White Stag (Permafrost #1)(31)

Frustration brewed inside me like a storm. I couldn’t understand. I needed to be alone. I needed to think.

Unaware of the war going on inside me, Soren and Elvira were debating whether to go for a swim.

“The water should help wash off the effects of the smoke,” Soren said. “Better to get it out of our clothes too.”

Elvira’s lip curled. “I’d rather not get wet.”

“Scared of a little water? It’s barely even running,” Soren taunted.

“Scared?” she scoffed. “I’d rather not be naked in a river while others are out there hungry for our blood. We also leave trails, you know. Stopping would be foolish.”

“No,” Soren said. “What would be foolish is trying to cross the Fire Bog after we ran through it. What would be foolish is letting the smoke and debris from it stay on our body and possibly harm us more. The Permafrost heals, but only just.”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Rekke butted in, and immediately began stripping off her clothes. Without a moment’s hesitation, she jumped into the lazy river. “Come on! Don’t be so scared!”

Soren smirked at Elvira as the older she-goblin grumbled under her breath.

The sight of Soren as he undressed created heat that spread through my body and lingered like a hard ball in the pit of my belly. “I’m going a bit downstream,” I said, forcing my voice to be steady.

“Awww,” Rekke said. “Janneke’s shy!”

Elvira snorted as she leaned against the riverbank, her bare, perfect breasts breaking the surface of the water. Envy choked away any retort I had. I might have hated the she-goblin and her beauty might’ve been an illusion, but it was a damn good illusion.

I caught a flash of Soren’s pale, naked body out of the corner of my eye. His chest was hard with muscle and scar tissue. I forbade myself from looking any lower. “Janneke can bathe wherever she wants to.” Was it me or did he sound amused?

Fighting off embarrassment, I stalked downstream. If Elvira was right and some goblin was going to slaughter them, at least I’d know by the blood in the water. It was blissfully cool against my burning skin, turning the pain in my arms from agonizing to tolerable. I dove down, relishing the sharp coldness. Before everything, when I was still normal, I used to swim all the time on the fishing docks that were a half hour’s ride from my village. But now, I was among creatures who couldn’t stand the idea of running water, and setting the village record for breath-holding was the least of my concerns when we could literally be killed any time.

I dove into a deep patch of the river, darkness surrounding me with walls of stone as the current rushed to pull me under. I could live among these people and try to make whatever bonds I had blossom. I could let Soren grow closer to me than he already was, become a true friend to Rekke, hunt the stag, and revel in my own power. Or I could run away. If I ran and managed to live among humans again, then I might have to forsake hunting forever. I would never feel the forest beneath my feet or hear my heart roaring in my ears during a successful hunt. I would never feel the reassuring weight of a taut bowstring or the smooth sides of an axe. If I was goblin enough for men to notice, I might secrete power without realizing it. Any Permafrost creature might be able to find me. Any goblin surely would; my power would mark up the town I settled in like a flare. I didn’t have the desire to be anything but a huntress, a shieldmaiden, but other than death, in the human world my only option would be to leave life as a huntress behind.

I had lied to myself over and over and over again. Maybe it was time to stop trying to convince myself of things I knew weren’t true. Maybe it was time to start living for me, accepting the feelings I felt, and unshackle the burden of my past.

By now, my lungs were crying out for air, and I burst onto the surface of the water, gasping. As I cleared the water from my eyes, I found myself almost nose-to-nose with Soren, who was sitting on the riverbank.

Before I could control myself, I shrieked. “What the Hel do you think you’re doing?” Gods be damned. Can I ever be alone? At least he was clothed. The thought of his naked body sent shivers down my spine in an unfamiliar, but oddly pleasant way. I was not used to that reaction and wanted to squash it.

He looked unabashed. “Waiting for you to emerge. You can hold your breath for a long time.”

“How long were you crouching there?” I asked, flustered.

“At least a minute, maybe two,” Soren said.

“And you didn’t think, ‘Gee, maybe crouching like this by the riverbank is going to scare the life out of Janneke!’?”

“You’re alive, aren’t you?” he said. “So, where did you learn to hold your breath for so long?”

At the moment, I was gasping, but it had more to do with Soren attempting to frighten me than the dive. “I used to dive … before.”

“You must’ve been very good at it,” he said.

“Yes I—” I froze. Maybe he wasn’t naked, but I was. Humiliation burned through me, and I sank back down until the water came up to my collarbone.

Soren eyed me like I was being ridiculous. I guess from his perspective, perhaps I was. Considering he and the others had stripped down in front of each other with no hesitation, I doubted nudity bothered goblinkind as much as it bothered me.

“Do your arms hurt?” he asked.