White Stag (Permafrost #1)(28)

I took a step back, then another, and then another. “Don’t get any closer to me.” My voice shook. “You ruined me. You ruined me. I will never be the same again.” It hurt now, knowing this. I was surprised my body was still whole; the aching was so strong I was sure I’d split in half. The mangled spot where my right breast should’ve been began to sting, and every other scar on my body burned with the pain of knowing how far I’d gone.

“Come back with me, Janneke.” Soren’s voice was soft, almost pleading. “Come back with me, you’ll feel better soon.”

I took another step backward. “No. Never.”

“Janneke.” He came forward with his hand outstretched. “Come on, Janneke. You don’t feel well. You’re shaking. Let me help you, let me talk to you. Trust me, please. I can help.”

I shook my head. “No.” He can’t make the hurting stop. He couldn’t. Not when I was splitting apart.

“If you go, I can’t protect you from the others.”

“That’s exactly what I want,” I snapped, and turned, racing away into the tundra.





7


BIRTH


I RAN UNTIL the breath burned inside my lungs. The world whipped around me in streams of gray and blue and white. My eyes stung with the tears I was fighting to hold back.

I needed to leave. I needed to get out of here. I’m a monster. I’m a monster. The words echoed again and again in my head. If it wasn’t natural for me to have lived this long, then what if something was wrong with me—what if I had been unnatural before I even lived in the Permafrost?

My father always called me his little thinker. As a child, I could worm my way out of any situation with whatever means necessary. He would take me to the market because I could haggle down prices and barter better than anyone he knew. If I fought against the other men, I could use their words against them to make them look a fool. I noticed more than others. Being shrewd and resourceful helped me win the hunting games alongside the men, and those skills served me well in the Permafrost. Sometimes the other men would be angry, but my father would only laugh and exclaim that I didn’t take after him just in looks, but in brains too.

Just because you’re clever doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, I thought as I stopped to catch my breath. Even now, I could feel the pull of the bond between Soren and me slowly bringing me back to the Permafrost. My skin itched, knowing that we were bound by blood; even if I scrubbed myself all the way down to the bone, I would never get rid of that tainted feeling.

I turned and punched a skeleton tree. My hand cracked against the bark, and a shower of snow fell off the branches. I hit it again and again until my knuckles and the tree were smeared with blood. They stung like mad, but it gave me a release sweeter than honey.

I sank to my knees, my head in my hands. Wandering alone in the Permafrost was death—even without the hundreds of goblins currently out for blood. If I managed to stay alive by myself, it would be out of dumb luck, one thing I put zero stock in. And I couldn’t cross the boundary without Soren crossing first; even if he did, he would feel me. I still wasn’t goblin enough for the spell he put on me to break by its own accord. I was goblin enough for humans to notice, though. A small part of me withered and died. I’d nursed the hope of escaping, of being free back in some human town far, far away. But if these men could tell I was goblin-like, others would too. Thorsten was right; they’d be on me like hounds.

So, I was a monster, like them. There was a nagging inside of me that argued that Soren had saved me. That it was the humans—the ones who were supposed to be good—who tried to kill me. I remembered the fury blazing in Soren’s eyes as he attacked the men. That was because they were hurting me, not a piece of property that he owned. He reached out his hand because he was worried about me. And could I deny that even when running away, part of me worried about him with Elvira, about what might happen if the vicious she-goblin fought him? Could any part of me deny that I couldn’t picture Rekke as anything other than being sweet and innocent as any child despite her heritage? I couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t deny that despite the war going on in my head and the urge to cross the border back into the world of humans, I couldn’t see my life there anymore.

Running now, miles away from the Permafrost and with the Hunt in full swing, would kill me. Standing, I balled my hands into fists and forced myself to breathe evenly. As much as it killed me, I had only one rational choice of action. I sighed and started back, hoping I could catch up before they got too far.



* * *



WHEN I GOT back to the campsite, I was mildly surprised to see Soren and the other two goblins still there, talking among themselves. They hadn’t left me alone in the Permafrost after all.

As I stepped through the bracken, Soren caught my eye. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

Rekke beamed when she saw me. “See? I told you she probably got lost following that lead. You should be more careful, Janneke. What if they’d actually been here still?”

“Yes,” Elvira said. “She should be more careful. Soren wouldn’t want to lose his protégé.”

Soren shot a warning glance at Elvira. “Well, considering we found another body with its guts smeared across the forest floor, and the scent trail and power trail died after that, I’d say she’s fine.”