White Stag (Permafrost #1)(23)
When we finally set up camp, I collapsed to my knees on my bedroll. It was so cold. When I’d been fighting Helka, when the only thoughts I had were of killing and defending my power and the only feelings I had were of anger and bloodlust, I hadn’t noticed the frost on my arms. Now with the guilt that racked my body, I shivered violently. It blasted me, and I clutched my knees to my chest. Soren looked over to me from where he sat, a hunk of the rabbit clutched in his hands. The coppery smell of raw meat hit my nose, and a wave of nausea fell over me. I turned away. They’re monsters, and I’m becoming one of them.
The ground crunched beneath his feet as he came beside me, sitting on his own bedroll. I was shivering violently now, wishing for a blanket.
“You should stop fighting it,” he said softly. “Stop fighting the transformation. It will only make things harder for you.” He brushed his thumb against my cheek and wiped away tears I hadn’t known I was crying.
“Stop it,” I hissed. “Stop touching me.”
“I’m trying to get you to trust me,” he said, voice still uncharacteristically soft. “That’s all. Isn’t that how humans form bonds of trust?”
On any other day, I would’ve laughed. Of course. Of course, he was trying to do something human, but in his utter goblin-ness failed. Maybe I would’ve even admired him for it. But not today.
“I will never trust you. Never. And I’m not a fool.” Yet I couldn’t deny part of me felt safer by his side.
A strange expression played on his face. I couldn’t place it; I’d never seen it before. But his eyebrows crumpled, his lips turned down in what was almost a scowl but wasn’t. It was sadder. “I’m not a fool either,” he said.
“Oh?” I asked.
“You’re a terrible liar,” he said. “And that’s coming from a man whose species is known for being unable to lie.”
“Then what, oh superior one? What am I lying about?”
He chuckled drily. “Do you really think you could run away, back to the humans, and live completely unaffected? With all the bonds tied to you? You’d either die in the attempt or be killed by humans. You’ve the smell of the Permafrost on you now that you can absorb power. One good hunt or fight would be all it took for your position to light up like a fire. And perhaps I’m wrong, but I doubt that you’d find fulfillment as a simple housewife. You need the Hunt as much as it needs you. Also, you do trust me. Not right now, perhaps, but usually.”
I had nothing to say to that, so only buried myself deeper in my arms. If the power I’d absorbed could alert Permafrost creatures to my presence in the human world, then this would be trickier than I thought. Soren was right about one thing: I would never be a housewife.
“I can’t do this right now,” I said, closing my eyes.
The way he sighed made it sound as if he truly hated to see me this way, but I didn’t buy it. He lay down on the bedroll beside me, and I closed my eyes. He was so close I could feel the heat coming off him. It only made me shiver harder as my body greedily tried to suck in the warmth. He jerked my bedroll so it was closer to him, then positioned me slightly so I was barely touching him. Then he reached across and draped a bearskin cloak over me.
I should’ve protested, but my body was crying out in relief that it was finally warm. The tremors were chased away, leaving me utterly exhausted. Soren whispered, his breath tickling my ear, “I won’t ever let you hurt yourself.”
My eyelids were heavy, and my body ached with the pain of the day. “You shouldn’t have brought me here, then,” I said softly.
He said nothing, just placed a hand on my shoulder, his thumb moving across the bare skin on the nape of my neck. For once, I didn’t push it off. I didn’t have the strength, and despite everything, something about the movement was calming. I fought to stay awake, even as I heard Elvira say she would take the first watch.
“Sleep, Janneke,” Soren said. “It’s going to be okay.”
No, it’s not. But my eyelids closed anyway, and I drifted off into a fitful sleep.
6
HARD TRUTHS
A SHARP JAB to my ribs woke me early in the morning. The sky was still a dark, deep blue, and the world around me was fast asleep. I was curled up close to Soren, underneath his bearskin cloak. The memories of the previous day played over in my head as I moved away from him, my body burning with embarrassment. Before me, Rekke watched us with amusement sparkling in her dark golden eyes. I groaned inwardly as the dim memory of waking up screaming again beside Soren in the early morning and shifting until I was positioned where I was replayed in my head. Something told me the young she-goblin was not going to let me live it down.
“Rekke?” I asked, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. “What is it?”
“You said you’d teach me how to shoot. I want to do it while the others are still sleeping, so they won’t know I’m weak.”
Damn it to Hel. I groaned internally. I’d forgotten my promise. I was mildly surprised she’d still want to train with me. After all, I did kill Helka last night. Shuddering, I studied the ground. The prey lines had become more visible since absorbing Helka’s power, and the current of living beings flowing through the air was almost tangible.
A quick glance around the camp confirmed that both Soren and Elvira were still asleep. Rekke must’ve had the last watch. I stood and stretched my aching muscles. We’d ridden hard yesterday, and my muscles burned from the effort. The mental exhaustion inside of me from my fight with Helka didn’t help. Doubt was slowly spreading through me like a poison. Now was not the time to pay attention to that. If I could sneak off with Rekke, maybe I could survey the land for when I made a run for it.