Unravel(74)

“I know you miss him.”

I stare at Dr. Rutledge. Right now, I want to lean forward and ask her who do I miss… Lachlan or Max? Because my heart misses both of them. It is slowly ripping, straight down the middle and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I knew that after I came back to Fairfax I would have to explain the rest of my story. I didn’t sleep last night because of it. I didn’t see Lana’s dad in my room. I just replayed everything I’ve told Rutledge and the small piece that was left to tell. I don’t know if I’m ready.

Dr. Rutledge opens her notebook and grabs a pen and leans back in her chair. Her lips pull up into a smile. “Are you ready?”

“To tell you the rest of my story?”

She nods.

“I don’t know,” I whisper.

She lays her pen back down. “What are you thinking, Naomi?”

“That I’ve never gotten this far in telling my story.”

“Does that scare you?”

I shrug. “Maybe.”

“I think I would be scared too.” She rests her chin on her palm and drums her fingers against her cheek, staring down at her desk thoughtfully. “Having to hold all this to yourself is a large burden to carry. To give it all up would be even harder.”

Hesitantly, I nod, unsure what to do or say.

“We don’t have to do this today,” Dr. Rutledge says. “We can go at your pace. I’m happy with the progress you’ve made.”

So am I. All my progress took long enough but at least it’s happening. I know Dr. Rutledge is right. I know that giving it all up is hard, but it’s what is after my story—the unknown—that is much scarier to me. I feel like I’ve reached an impasse.

I rub my damp palms against the material of my sweat pants, until I create a friction that makes my skin tingle. Yesterday, Lachlan told me to be strong.

Be strong, be strong, be strong. I whisper over and over to myself until I finally look up at Dr. Rutledge and lift my chin, in what I hope shows my determination.

“I can keep going,” I finally say.

Dr. Rutledge tilts her head, staring. “Are you sure?”

I nod briskly. “I will tell you the rest.”



35—GONE

It was raining. Hundreds of raindrops beaded on the window and dripped down slowly like tears. The red stoplight shone through my windshield and onto my face. I rested my forehead against the cold window and looked out at the street. Right across from me, placed on a newspaper stand was another article with Max on the front page.

He was released on bail over a month ago and it was still an ongoing scandal in McLean. Clients had left his family’s company and their good name was dragged through the mud. Everyone has their own thoughts and speculation. The majority believes it’s true and say they aren’t surprised. A smaller lot are baffled; shocked that Max would ever do such a scandalous thing. But they all have one thing in common: none have reached out to Max or defended him.

The light turned green and I quickly sped away, my tires hissing on the wet pavement. I drove out of McLean and when I pulled into my family’s driveway, I did a quick sweep to make sure no one was home. I didn’t resume college like I was supposed to in August. I told myself that I was just taking a semester off and when everything with Max and Lana died down, I would go back. That didn’t sit well with my parents. They looked at me with disappointment in their eyes. Every time they talked to me, their words were heavy and it was impossible not to hear the accusation in their voices. I was failing and to them that just wasn’t an option.

It was a strange feeling, knowing that I was disappointing them. It had happened in the past, but all my past failures were made up in due time. I didn’t know how to fix this failure, short of going back to school. Everything felt like it was a mess and I was slowly sinking.

Before I got out of my car, I quickly typed out a message to Max that I was going to change real quick and then I would meet him at his house. I held my purse over my head as I ran to the back door. Dozens of birds flew above me. I looked up at them. They formed a sharp V. I watched as they drifted further away, looking like little black dots. I wished I could toss all my problems up and have the birds take them away.

I snorted at my ridiculous thought and glanced at the long stretch of land and trees around me. Nestled within those trees was my cottage. The roof was probably covered by wet leaves the shade of burnt orange and red. Summer disappeared for good a few weeks ago. It took the hot sunny days and bright colors with it, and left the world with falling leaves, cloudy skies, frost-tipped grass, and chilly days. It also took my optimistic spirit and gave me confusion and pain.

But the cottage hadn’t changed. It still held some memories that nothing and no one could take away from me. If I closed my eyes I would remember the way Lachlan had held me and looked at me a year ago. How he had told me he loved me and the way it made me feel like everything would be okay. I wanted that feeling back.

I forgot about changing my clothes. I tossed my purse inside the house. I walked off the porch, as if I was in a trance. My feet slipped a few times on the slick grass, but before I knew it, I was running. Strands of my hair blowing behind me. The cold wind whipping against my face, making my eyes water up. My fingertips were tinged pink by the cold. I quickened my speed and my body started to slowly warm. Adrenaline started to course through my body. I smiled as I approached the thick swarm of trees.