Unravel(79)

I looked Lana over. Her face, that normally looked so smooth and clean, was pale, almost translucent, with a sheen of sweat around her forehead and upper lip. Her lips were chapped. She had the prettiest hair. Pin-straight and silky, like a child’s. It ran down the length of her back, stopping at her waist. The ends were always neatly trimmed. But today her hair was messy, pulled back into a lopsided ponytail. The worst part was her wrists. They were heavily bandaged, lying on the bed like dead weights.

“I think the pain is stronger now,” she said gravely.

I stood up, thinking that she needed a nurse or doctor to come into the room and help her. “What?”

She held up her bandaged wrists, staring at them with a mixture of resentment and sadness. “My pain. It’s stronger. I think the pain has been in my body for too long. I could keep cutting away at my skin, but it will never matter.” She stared me straight in the eye. “The pain’s never gonna leave.”

I slowly sat back down.

What could I say to that?

I tried to think of some inspirational quote. Something, anything that would give her hope. I had nothing.

We both knew that.

Her hand dropped heavily onto the bed.

“For a second though, it was bliss,” she confessed. “I know that’s f*cked up to say. It’s the truth, though. I thought for a second that all my problems were going away. But for each drop of blood I lost, gallons of pain were waiting to fill me back up.”

“I wish I knew what to say,” I said sadly. “But nothing I say will ever make it right.”

“I’m not asking for you to make it right. No one can.”

“So what happens from here?” I asked.

“I don’t know. My doctor keeps saying that I’m leaving in a few days so my parents can help me ‘recover’.”

I flinched.

She smirked. “Ironic, right?”

“You’re not going home with them, are you?”

“No,” Lana said firmly.

I opened my mouth to voice my opinion.

“Can I just have a moment alone, please?” Lana said.

“Sure.” I stood up and said good-bye even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. The door shut behind me. I sagged against it, my hands on my knees, taking deep breaths.

I left moments later. My legs were shaking and it felt like I was going to collapse at any moment. I quickened my pace. The elevator was in sight, but it felt like I was in a fun house. It became further and further away until it felt like I was never going to reach it.

I started to run, but the hallway became narrow and longer, stretching for miles. Nurses and visiting family members were all around. I could hear their hushed voices. I’m sure every single one of them had their own problems to deal with, but I would’ve done anything at that moment to trade lives with them.

I realized then that seeing Lana being raped created a small crack in my sanity. Each event after that made the crack spread. A network of veins appeared, making me fragile. I was finally starting to shatter. Everything was catching up to me and I broke into millions of pieces.

I crumbled to the ground and screamed, trying to erase Lana’s words.

“The pain’s never gonna leave.”

Her voice kept getting stronger and the world slowly faded to black.



When I woke up, I was at Fairfax.



38—CHANGE

The clock on Dr. Rutledge’s desk clicks. Much like the monitors did at the hospital. I stare at Dr. Rutledge, waiting for a new, radical change to happen.

Here it is.

Here’s my story. It’s out in the open and there’s nothing left for me to say. So what happens now?

Will I slowly transform back into the person I once was? Or maybe Dr. Rutledge will snap her fingers and I’ll realize this has all been a dream.

I don’t care what really happens as long as something happens.

We sit there, staring at each other. The clock continues to click and I start to become impatient. I deserve, no, earned this change. So where is it?

“Do you get it now?” I ask impatiently.

Dr. Rutledge nods. “I do.”

My eyes narrow. “Please don’t humor me.”

“I’m not. I understand you went through a terrible situation.”

“If you understand then explain to me why I’m here. Tell me how someone who was just trying to help her friend ends up in a mental institution.”

Rutledge continues to look at me, saying nothing, offering me nothing.

“I didn’t try to kill myself. That was Lana.” I jerk my sleeves up and hold both wrists out. “See? No scars. Nothing.”

She looks down at my wrists. My pale, scar-free wrists.

“See?” I’m practically shoving them at her. “See those veins? I know I have blood in them and I know I have a soul inside of me and I know I have a life worth living. Although… right now it’s not much. But I know I have it.”

She looks away from my flawless wrists and into my eyes. I drop my arms and sit back down. We’re surrounded in silence. Except for that clock. That stupid f*cking clock. I want to pick it up and smash it into pieces. I rub my temples.

“Tell me,” I beg. “Please tell me why I’m here.”

She drops her pen onto her desk. She leans forward and says in a gentle, yet firm voice, “You’re here because you broke down. Everything with Lana was too much to take.”