Unravel(73)

“I’m not going to run,” Lachlan vowed.

“Good.” As an afterthought she added, “Don’t let her down.”

“I won’t.”

Her lips pulled up at the corners and she hugged Lachlan. “Good to have you home, honey.” Before she turned away, she looked over Lachlan’s shoulder, and directly at me.

I stood there, just waiting for her to call out my name. But she turned and walked inside.

The door clicked shut.

Lachlan was frozen, like he was carved from stone. I came out from my hiding place and walked toward him. He stared out into the fields with a faraway look in his eyes. I stood next to him and rested my head against his arm.

“I know you heard,” he said.

“Every single word.”

He looked at me with regret. “My mom, she was just—”

“Being a mom,” I finished for him. “She was right in everything she said.”

He looked at me thoughtfully and said very quietly, “I do love you.”

I smiled faintly. “I love you too… but love doesn’t solve everything. So where do we go from here?”

Lachlan closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I can’t ask you to stay in McLean. You deserve to get away and have that college experience…” He let his words linger. And I hoped that whatever he said next wouldn’t tear my heart to shreds.

“So you’re going to go off to college, and I’m going to be here, waiting.”

“In Mclean?”

Lachlan nodded. “After my internship, I was only supposed to be in Pittsburgh for a year. That year is almost over with and then I’ll come back home.”

I knew that. I just didn’t know the part about McLean. I laughed at the irony. The world was playing a cruel joke on the two of us. Right when we decide to give this—us—a try, one of us had to leave.

My laughter died and my heart ached. I stared at him with a look of devastation. He opened his arms and I walked into his embrace willingly.

“I promise,” he whispered into my ear, “I’ll be here.”



33—ASHES

Late Sunday night, Lachlan drops me back off at Fairfax. We sit in his car, right outside of the front doors. I stare down at my hands, not wanting to go inside.

This weekend has been exhilarating; a breath of fresh air for me that I didn’t think I would ever have. It was ending too quickly. It felt like Lachlan was just picking me up for the weekend only a few minutes ago.

“I don’t want to do this,” Lachlan mutters.

My hands are shaking. I bite down on my lower lip and try my hardest not to cry.

“This was good for you, right?” Lachlan pivots in his seat and it causes his scent to drift over me. My resolve crumbles. A tear slides down my cheek. “Getting away was nice?” he says.

“I loved every second,” I whisper brokenly.

“So did I.” Lachlan leans closer, reaches out and grabs my hand. “I need you to go back in there and get better. You have no idea how bad I want to drive away right now with you in the car. Last night I thought about where we could go. Maybe go all the way to Maine. Or Florida?” He smiles. “But I could never finish the thought. I’d be too f*cking selfish to take you away right now. I know you can do this. Okay?”

“What if I can’t?” My voice breaks. “What if I’m really fading away and there’s nothing left of me?”

“Impossible.” He wraps his hand around the back of my neck. Our foreheads touch and our eyes are inches apart. “Someone can only fade away if there’s nothing left for them. But there’s me and you. We’ll always be something strong enough to keep you going.”

Tears fell from my face and onto the leather of the seat. Lachlan didn’t brush them away and I didn’t want him to brush them away.

I dry my face with the back of my hand and sniffle. I look over at Fairfax with dread. “The last two days I actually felt normal. I want to always feel that way.”

“You’re going to feel that way again. Really soon.”

Lachlan pulls me back into a tight hug. This is the last one. It’s the good-bye hug that I’ve been dreading all day. His grip is tight and it’s like he’s hoping he can press the pieces of my life back together.

I wish he could. I wish it were that simple.

I pull away first and grab the door handle before the second round of tears come. Before I get out and walk away, I kiss Lachlan hard on the lips. My eyes squeeze shut and I grip his shirt. I let my lips linger for a few seconds before I rip myself away.

I jump out of the car and grab my bag. The bitter air makes the warm tears pooling at the edge of my eyes frigid, like a frozen icicle. I think of that icicle on the tree, my icicle, and it gives me enough strength to trudge forward and not look over my shoulder.

Back to hell I go.



34—IMPASSE

“Did you have a fun weekend?”

“I did,” I say, as I close her office door.

Thankfully, she doesn’t ask what I did. I wouldn’t have told. I sit down across from her.

Dr. Rutledge smiles. “I can tell. You look… refreshed.”

“I feel refreshed,” I admit. I turn my head and stare out of the window. It snowed overnight and now there’s a fresh blanket of snow over the land.