The True Cowboy of Sunset Ridge (Gold Valley #14)(48)
“I don’t know why,” she said. “Except... That should’ve been the sign. Right there.”
“Yeah, we can change the subject anytime, because there’s a baby sleeping right over there.”
“Right. I just...” She took a big breath. “When my whole life blew up, I came back here, and I would be lying if I said part of me didn’t hope that I would see you again.”
“You just didn’t want me to see you again, and again. And again.”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Understandable.”
“What about you? I mean... I know why I jumped into bed with you.”
“I already told you, that’s just what I do.”
“I don’t believe it, though. Because you remember me. Because like you said, the first moment that you saw me... And you brought me half-and-half. So, please just tell me this. Because I’ve already... Shown you how sad I am. And I’m sitting here eating fajitas and baring my soul, so maybe give me a little bit of something in return.”
“It’s not going to be baring my soul. You don’t want that, anyway.”
“All right, it doesn’t need to be that. Nothing quite that dramatic.”
“I can’t explain what happened the first time. Maybe it was just lust. I’m used to generic lust. I’ll admit that. I spent a lot of years on the road. And the excitement of meeting eyes with a pretty girl from across the room hadn’t been a big deal for a long time. When I was a kid, sure. I’d see her, I’d wonder what would happen. And look, I love women. I really do. But I was working a steady diet of buckle bunnies, and anybody in my position tends to end up there. Easy quarry. Or maybe that’s the wrong word. We’re their quarry, they’re ours. It’s a mutual hunting situation. And after a long ass day of traveling, after competing in events, drinking... That’s about the speed you want to go. So I don’t know, I guess I was jaded. And then...”
She looked down at her plate. Away from him, because she sensed that he needed her to do that.
“Trent died. And it was like part of me went with him. I can’t explain it. But look, I’ve experienced loss in my life already. You know that. You already know our tragic story. How our parents died when we were teenagers. It’s a terrible thing. And I thought that I’d accepted that the world was random. That life sometimes handed you shit on a plate and you had no choice but to eat it. Yeah. I thought that I knew that. But seeing a kid like him die...”
“You said that you felt responsible for it.”
“I am. I met him when he was... Man, that kid was a hellion. Sixteen years old and nothing but trouble. He was a runaway. Out of the foster care system. I kind of... Hell, I... I had never taken responsibility for another person in my life. Out of all the boys, I was the youngest one to be left behind. There was Ryder, Jake, Logan. And then there was me. I was the kid brother. And I resented them trying to... Take care of me. I resented it big-time. I didn’t want to be taken care of because I didn’t think I...”
“Right.” Of course he hadn’t thought he needed it. Teenage boys always thought they were grown men, didn’t they?
“I met Trent when he was trying to steal stuff out of the back of my horse trailer. And rather than call the cops on the kid, I gave him some jobs to do. I tried to help get him on his feet. What I did was get him involved in the rodeo. And it turns out I’m a pretty bad person to emulate. I drink too much. I sleep around too much. And I could see him doing all these things that I did, and I didn’t like the look of it on him, but I didn’t know how to tell him what to do when I didn’t know how to do it myself.”
“It sounds to me like he was a kid who had a lot of life experience before he met you.”
“True enough. But I just... The drinking was really out of control. And I knew it. I knew that it was going past the way that we partied after rides. That he was starting to take risks he shouldn’t. But again... That’s me. I was the life of the party, Mallory.”
She looked at the grave, tired features on his handsome face, and she had a pretty hard time believing that. “Were you, Colt?”
“I was. And then... Everything went to hell. He did his last ride drunk. He was floppy like a rag doll, and not in a good way. When he went off the back of that bull... He couldn’t save himself. And I... I can’t get it out of my head. I watched him die. We all did. We watched that accident like a train wreck, and no one could get to him in time.”
Her stomach twisted. “Did you try?”
“Of course I did. I...” He closed his eyes. “I couldn’t stay after that. I couldn’t stay in the rodeo. Everything had to change.”
“Yeah. And Cheyenne was angry at you, wasn’t she?”
“With good reason. She told me that he wanted to be like me. She told me that he saw me take risks, saw that I didn’t wear a helmet, that I stuck with a cowboy hat instead of all the safety gear. That he didn’t drink any more than I did... And that he was there because of me. And she’s not wrong. He was. I was the wrong person for him to look up to.” He looked over at Lily. “And now I’m taking care of his daughter? I shouldn’t be. But I can’t get rid of the responsibility of it either.”
She swallowed hard. “Colt, I’m going to admit to you pretty readily that I haven’t been through half of the things that you have. You had a much harder life than I have, and there’s no denying that. I have great parents who model the loving marriage for me. A brother who fell in love and married a wonderful woman. And even though she died, I saw him in a healthy relationship. And still, somehow...” She swallowed hard, knowing she was omitting things, even while she feigned honesty, but she just didn’t want to talk about her stuff. “Still, I was in mine. Still, somehow I didn’t take those lessons on board. People were all around me modeling a healthy life, and somehow I didn’t.” She took a deep breath. “And I guess what I’m trying to say is that people are going to do... They’re going to do what they’re going to do. And you can’t control that. They’re going to make their own decisions. Griffin was my hero, and I still didn’t turn out anywhere near as healthy as he did.”