The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller(61)

Linda squeezes my hand lightly. “Well, at least you don’t have those damn contacts in.” She laughs lightly, setting off another coughing episode. Once she’s done, she leans back and I take the trash can from her hand, setting it on the floor as I scoot closer to her. “Linda, do I need to get the swear jar? Your language is borderline offensive.”
She grins, but curbs her laughter. “Do you still have that thing?”
“I do.” And I know right where it is. It’s packed in a box underneath my bed, the first thing to go once I’d decided to remove all traces of the people I loved from my sight. Even in my sorry state, the symbolism of that jar’s eradication was not lost on me. I smile inwardly as I remember Kaeleb and Quinn that first night in the dorm room.
Goofballs.
My heart staggers with the memory of Quinn’s contagious giggle.
I press thoughts of her aside, hoping that my abandonment hasn’t completely severed our friendship.
As I turn my focus back to Linda, her face falls serious as she tightens her hold on my hand. “Aubrey, I want you to know that I never wanted you to have to go through this. To have to endure this situation ever again. You’ve experienced too much. Seen too much. The idea of you having to watch this, I just…” She releases a weary sigh, her wheezing becoming more prominent as she speaks.
“Linda—”
“No,” she states firmly. “I need to say this.”
I nod my head, silencing my objection in order for her speak.
“I tried to fight this, I did. I want you to know that there’s nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do, no war I wouldn’t wage, no battle I wouldn’t withstand to prevent you from having to experience yet another loss in your life. But my body,” she breaks to wipe the moisture from her face, “my body is losing against every single form of combat. Surgery didn’t work. The cancer was too aggressive and had already spread, and chemo and radiation seem to halt its progress, only for it to come back with a vengeance.”
Linda’s eyes continue to seep tears, but determination fills them as she states, “I’m looking into other options, though. I want you to know that. I will keep fighting for you.”
I swallow my tears deep into my throat, allowing her resolve to wash over me, and as her words fill my heart, I finally see it. Right in front of my face as it glares at me, unyielding. The stark contrast between Linda’s determined battle and my parents’ tragic surrender when faced with hardship, when faced with death. The incredible distinction of the value each placed upon their lives and mine.
As I stare at Linda—purpose casing her entire expression—it becomes clearly obvious whose footsteps I’ve been following in…and whose I should be.
I’m forced to look away, swiping my hand across my cheek as I process her words. As I replay them over in my head, the ember in my chest converts into a glowing flame, and hope begins to churn throughout my mind and soul, the wheels spinning in my mind, fanning it as it grows.
Sometimes in life there are these random moments when everything just clicks. When all the fragments of your fractured past fall together, merging in your mind to form a lucid image of your future. Each mistake made becomes a vital piece as it serves whatever purpose necessary to complete the picture as a whole and suddenly everything becomes so clear.
Sitting in the hospital with Linda, listening to her words, her determination to give me the very gift of her life no matter how painful and exhausting that struggle may be…well, this is my moment. Because as I sit next to this brave, ferocious warrior it suddenly becomes clear to me how valuable life really is.
Every being in this world makes an impact on at least one person they encounter during their lifetime. You can change the course of someone’s life by just a kind word, a hateful one, or even by simply choosing not to say anything at all. Every choice you make has the potential to create a ripple effect, trickling into and affecting the lives of others.
Life, your existence in this world, is a very powerful thing. Truly a gift that you can give to others, but by hiding behind my fears, by isolating everyone around me, I know that my gift has been utterly wasted. There is no mark I’ve made in this world. No betterment has been achieved. I’ve allowed myself to experience nothing that I could utilize in teaching others, helping others, or bettering their lives.
And as I come to this realization, the flame within me begins to burn so intensely, it illuminates the darkness, lighting the path I must take to become the person I know I want to be. That I can become. But I also know that it won’t be an easy journey.
There will be heartache.
There will be anger.
There will be fear.
There will be sorrow.
But as with all life, there must be balance.
Without heartache, there is no understanding of the true meaning of love. Without anger, passion cannot be comprehended. Without fear, there is nothing gained when overcome. And without sorrow, happiness can never be realized.
My soul takes flight with the fire inside me. It lifts as it becomes weightless like a Chinese lantern, further brightening the path in front of me as it floats, and I watch as eight-year-old Aubrey Miller approaches in the distance. Her features are angelic and the smile on her face is full of nothing but radiance and joy as she takes my hand, encouraging me to take my first step.
There is no death.
There is no anguish.
There is no dread or terror.
There is only us standing together hand-in-hand. Two separate entities as we become one.
I feel her energy seep through my pores and as her presence enters my soul, I know the darkness I created around her was exactly that—my creation.