The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller(54)

Calmly, I set the bottle down on the counter and release a sigh. “I’m done talking, Kaeleb. I don’t expect you to understand this and I’m not asking you to. The only thing I’m asking you to do is go. Leave.” My eyes then disconnect from his, finding the linoleum on the floor.
Kaeleb releases a growl of frustration before crouching down in front of me, forcing his face in my line of sight.
“You think I don’t understand? Christ, Bree! I was here tonight too! You think you’re the only one who’s hurting right now? I checked on Quinn first thing when I came here and she was asleep! Then I wake up to your screams only to find you both on the floor! You think I’m not scared of what could’ve happened? To either of you!” His chest rises and falls rapidly as he holds my eyes, the absolute torment in them forcing me to swallow deeply before responding.
Maintaining my unruffled composure, I reply, emotionless. “It’s not about me. It’s not even entirely about Quinn. It’s about all of you.”
His head jerks back in response. “What? What does that mean? All of us? All of who?”
“All of you, Kaeleb. You. Quinn. Linda. My parents. Adley. All of you.”
I watch his jaw tighten as he looks to the floor before raising his head. “So you’re playing martyr tonight? Sacrificing yourself for everyone around you? That’s your answer to all of this?” He narrows his eyes and shakes his head. “Bullshit.”
He presses himself off the floor, but bends at the waist and leans forward, meeting me eye-to-eye. “You’re not the only one to ever experience guilt, Aubrey. You think I don’t understand that? Feel it? After what I went through?”
Speaking through clenched teeth he adds, “I think about it every single day. How my parents could discard me so easily. The fact that my sister was hospitalized because I couldn’t protect her. I deal with that shit every day of my life. But at least I still live it.”
An aggravated growl passes through his lips as he throws his hands in the air. “I’m sick as shit of you using this,” he pauses, gesturing at my face, “f*cking aberration you call Raven instead of dealing with it. It’s ridiculous. It’s time to grow up and face it, Bree.”
My jaw clenches and I tighten my gaze back at him. “You sound like Palmer.”
“I’m sure I do,” he remarks with a bite. “I’ve been visiting with him since last year. You want to know why? Because I made the decision that it’s time to grow the f*ck up. Time to deal with my issues—the anger, the guilt, the women. Things that served no purpose in my life other than making me a shitty human being. It’s taking time, but I’m dealing with it. And I’m a better person because I made the decision to do so.”
He inches his face closer to mine. Raising his hand to stroke my cheek, his voice is barely above a whisper as he states, “Please, Bree. Don’t disappear on me now. I know you can do this. We can do it together. Let me help you.”
His eyes search mine until finally he lowers his hand, defeated. Releasing a long sigh, he shakes his head. “It’s no use. You’re already gone.”
Rising where he stands, he looks at me once more before turning away and opening the door. Just as he’s about to step out of the bathroom, he twists back slightly. “I wanted to be enough for you. Strong enough. Man enough. Enough for you find a reason to live again. To give you that courage and strength. But now I know you’re the only one who can do that, Sunshine.”
The corners of his mouth dip marginally. “As long as you continue to travel through life in this darkness, you will never know how beautiful your light truly shines when you let yourself love and be loved. Trust me when I say, it’s a breathtaking sight to see. You burn as bright as the sun.”
He dips his head and peers at me with saddened eyes. “You see, I found the strength and courage to fight my demons because of how brightly you shined. I hope that one day you’ll find that source of light and let it heal you, too. Because if you do, it will illuminate your path and eventually lead you home. To me.”
With that said, he leaves me in the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Releasing a deep exhale, I tear my gaze away, leaning forward to perform the final part of the ritual as I place the cat-eye contacts in my eyes. The white covers the bright blue of my irises and coolness washes over me as I seal Aubrey Miller back into her grave.
And as I stare at my reflection, I say a silent thank you to Raven for allowing Kaeleb McMadden to continue his existence because the world is truly a greater place with him in it.
Goodbye, Kaeleb.

Chapter Twenty-Five

The rest of sophomore year…well, I don’t remember much. The firsts I experienced the remainder of the year were mainly a compilation of some of the lowest points in my life. I’m not proud of them, but they happened and need to be acknowledged. So, here goes:
The first time I cleaned up my roommate’s blood off her bathroom floor. I refused to cry as the horrific memories resurfaced. There was no sorrow, no anguish, no tortuous sobbing. There was only darkness as I forced myself deeper into my oblivion until I couldn’t feel a thing.
The first time that I realized I was no longer a dog owner. Kaeleb must have taken Walter with him when he left my apartment the night I said his goodbye. I simply put his crate, his bowl, his toys, and his favorite Chuck inside Quinn’s room before locking the door.
The first time that Linda called after our discussion, hoping to talk as I’d promised. I led her to believe that I didn’t feel well and promised to call her soon. She reluctantly left due to her upcoming appointment and I told myself it didn’t hurt when we said goodbye.