The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller(50)

Chapter Twenty-Three

I run up the stairs as fast as I can.
Mommy’s friend Linda and I were on our way to a movie, but I asked her to turn around because I forgot to give Daddy his birthday card. She said I had ten minutes, so I have to hurry because she’s waiting in the car.
I really like Linda. She’s been taking me to do a lot of fun things lately. I think it’s because Daddy’s been really sad.
I like being with her because she makes me smile, even though I’m sad, too.
I miss Adley.
I miss Mommy.
And I miss Daddy, who just isn’t the same anymore. He hasn’t been since I was six.
He’s been visiting with a doctor to make him better, but he only seems to be getting worse. If he’s not locked in his office, he’s walking around the house, looking at the pictures of all of us together and talking to himself while he cries. Sometimes he talks to Adley and Mommy, but I try not to think about that. It scares me.
But I’m gonna make him smile today. It’s his birthday and I made him a card in my room. It’s on purple construction paper and I drew a picture of me, Adley, Mommy, and him right on the front. We’re all holding hands just like we used to. When things were happy.
When you open it up, there’s a big heart that I colored in pink marker and then I filled it with glitter and put a lot of my scratch and sniff stickers around the heart. Then right in the middle it says, I love you, Daddy! Happy Birthday! with a big smiley face. I worked really hard on it.
I hope it will make him happy. I miss when he’s happy. But maybe, just maybe, today will be a good day.
I can barely keep from jumping up and down as I open my bedroom door. I’m so excited.
Out of breath, I run to my desk and grab the card. Glitter falls all over the floor, so I make myself calm down so I don’t ruin it.
Turning slowly, I see an envelope sitting on my bed.
For me?
Now I’m even more excited!
I lay the card down and pick up the letter, tearing it open with a smile on my face.
After pulling the paper out, I unfold it and smile even wider.
It’s from my daddy.
Aubrey,
Please never doubt my love for you. But the pain…it’s just too much. I’m doing this to protect you from the absolute agony that is taking over my life. I know that I will never be the same. The person who I was will never be again. There is no hope for me. I’m broken, Aubrey. You will be better off this way. I know you will never understand this, and I don’t expect you to.
I just hope that someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me.
I love you.
I don’t understand what he’s saying. Maybe he’s just having another sad day.
I glance over at my card.
I bet that will make him feel better!
After grabbing it off the bed, I fling my door open and take the stairs two at a time.
Just as I land on the floor, I run toward Daddy’s office, knowing that’s where he will be.
But when I’m almost to the door, I hear a loud bang. It’s so loud, I fall to my knees, barely able to cover my ears because my whole body is shaking so hard.
What was that?
I’m so scared.
I’m so scared.
Crawling toward the door, my fingers shake as I push it open and my eyes fill with frightened tears. I look up and see nothing but smoke in the air and something red dripping from Daddy’s desk.
I can do nothing but watch as it falls, forming a dark puddle on the wood floor.
Oh no.
“Daddy!” I scream, but there’s no answer. Just the sound of the blood trickling as the puddle grows larger.
“Daddy!” I crawl to his desk as fast as I can. I’m crawling so fast I slip in the blood, sliding forward and landing on my elbows.
Blood. It’s everywhere. All over my hands. My arms. The front of my favorite blue dress that I wore just for Daddy’s birthday.
“NO! DADDY!” I grab onto his pant leg and pull myself up. When I see the sight of his slumped body – his face, his head, the blood – I cry out as loud as I can, but there’s no sound. Nothing comes out as I force myself to look away.
The ache in my chest tightens with a pain that I know well. The pain that is always there.
I couldn’t save Adley.
I couldn’t save Mommy.
Now my daddy’s dead and I can’t save him either.
I look down to the card still in my hands. Its edges are covered in blood and it trembles within my hand while my tears fall onto its surface, making dark trails across the picture on the front.
My family.
I just want my family back.
I look at Daddy again and I hold the card tightly as I crawl into his lap. Closing my eyes, I press up on his body with all my strength until I feel him fall backward.
I don’t look.
I don’t dare look.
I set the card in my lap and feel for his heavy arms with my hands, holding his sleeves tightly and pulling them to me as hard as I can. I wrap his arms around my body and hold them as I turn to my side and rest my head against his chest. Just like Adley, there’s no beating heart inside. Just silence.
I hold onto Daddy’s arms, keeping them tight around me, and stare at the card of my family as I cry.
“I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…” I mutter between sobs.
Because as I sit in my daddy’s lap, I know.
Every single death is my fault.
It’s my fault that Adley drowned.
And because of that, I killed my mother.
Now my daddy died to protect me.
It all makes sense.
“It’s my fault, Daddy. I’m so sorry. I love you…”are the only things I can say. I repeat them over and over again, hoping that just like in the fairytale books he reads me, the curse of death can be broken by the power of love.