The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller(53)

Kaeleb’s body stills but his lips press firmly against the skin of my neck, trailing upward to my chin and then to my cheek, kissing their way through my tears until they land on my temple. He remains there, the heat from his nostrils warming my hair as he mutters, “Let it out, Bree.”
He brings his hand to my face and pulls me against his cheek, holding me tightly as I cry. Tears fall endlessly down my face as I mourn for Adley, for my parents, for Quinn, for Linda, and for Kaeleb. Sobs wrack my body as I silently say my apologies to each of them, the guilt and sorrow filling my throat so that I can no longer speak. I allow Kaeleb to hold me tightly, in this moment, our last moment together as I open myself to him completely. There are no walls. There is only complete vulnerability as I cry for what I did to those I love. I allow him to see me bare, stripped, and unsheathed as I willingly relinquish my heart, fully giving it to him before I say goodbye.
I mourn.
I grieve.
I offer my apologies.
Kaeleb says nothing. He doesn’t need to.
With his arms wrapped securely around my body, his mere presence gives me the strength I need to let go.
And after hours of emotional release, I end up with my head lying against Kaeleb’s chest. His hold on me is still firm as I remain completely silent, fooling him into thinking I’ve fallen asleep. I listen to the steady beats of his heart until they finally begin to slow and as his breaths deepen, I twist my neck to confirm that he’s sleeping. Placing a tender kiss on his chest, I take a moment to breathe him in one last time before I carefully unfold his arms from around me and slide out of bed.
My defenses begin rebuilding as I turn away, the familiar bitter emptiness expanding and mounting within my chest, filling the voided area where my heart no longer remains. All love and light are extinguished. Grief, anger, and fear solidify into the cold blackness forming within me, its inky tendrils growing and spreading, smothering everything alive within me until Aubrey Miller no longer exists.
Only death dwells inside of me and I take comfort in it as it blankets my pain.
Goodbye, Aubrey.
As I take a seat in front of my mirror, my eyes land on the scissors in front of me. I’d used them to trim my bangs earlier tonight, but the sight of them now immediately reminds me of Quinn’s failed attempt. I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never considered the option, that I’ve never considered taking my own life to just be done with it, but I think somewhere deep inside, my need to punish myself overrides taking the easy way out. I deserve every ounce of it.
The isolation.
The unhappiness.
The constant grief.
The darkness.
It’s the penance I force upon myself for simply existing.
So I break away from the metal blades and inhale deeply in preparation.
Leaning over, I open the cabinet doors in front of my knees and pull out a cardboard box, placing it on the counter before opening it. One by one, I disperse its contents until it’s empty, and then set it on the floor by the chair. After dumping the makeup into a pile, I sift through it until I find the beginning step in my cloaking ritual. I rub the white powder into my skin, covering my rosy tone with its pallor until there is no color left in my skin. Next, I take the black eye shadow, caking it on and under my swollen lids, the ease of the ritual further numbing my emotions.
Slowly, I apply the dark red stain, and as it sinks into my lips, I grab the black box to my right, flipping it open and digging out my jewelry. One by one, I press them through the tiny remnant holes in my skin, forcing them through openings that no longer exist. I welcome the pain. Tiny blood droplets seep around each one, along my ears and eyebrows, trickling down from the piercings in my cheeks. Skull studs shine back at me on top of the trails as I place the final circular barbell through my nose, taking in a calming breath as the process is nearly complete. I then take the dye and shake the concoction in its plastic container, allowing the smell to burn my nose, effectively removing Kaeleb’s scent as I shake it.
“What the hell are you doing?”
My eyes find Kaeleb in the mirror, his jaw clenched, his body leaning in the doorframe as I continue shaking the bottle. I give him no response as I direct my stare back to my placid complexion. Lifting my finger off the tip, I lower the bottle to the top of my head and squeeze, but before I can apply the color it’s sent sailing across the bathroom. A thick black glob spurts from the opening as it hits the wall, the colorant landing in a puddle right next to the bottle as it hits the floor. I glare back at Kaeleb. He’s towering above me and breathing heavily, but I remain silent as I scoot the seat back, calmly walk over, snag the bottle off the floor, and turn back in his direction.
His hardened expression morphs into a pleading one as he reaches for me. “Bree, don’t do this.”
I take a step back, assuring I’m out of his reach, but he counters with forward movement. His voice trembles, the desperation in his tone almost enough to penetrate my steel shell. “I just found you.” His chin quivers. “I just got you back, Bree. Please, don’t do this. Talk to me.”
My emotions remain unaffected as I turn away from him and retake my seat. His face falls as I begin to apply the color, and once my hair is completely saturated, he sucks in a deep breath, anger replacing his grief as he slams his hand down on the counter.
“I’m right f*cking here! TALK TO ME!” His face reddens and the veins in his throat bulge from underneath his skin as he screams.
I barely have time to twist to face him before he steps in front of me and wraps his hands around the arms of the chair on either side of me. Lifting me into the air, he turns me away from the mirror and then drops the chair to the floor right in front of him. I land with a crash, but allow no reaction to streak across my face as I maintain my blank stare.