The Randy Romance Novelist(70)

“Thank you, Tasha, you as well,” Darlene responded. “Henry, it’s good to see you. And who is this lovely lady standing next to you?”

I cleared my throat and gazed down at Rosie. “This is my beautiful girlfriend, Rosie Bloom. She works over at Friendly Felines as a columnist and is also writing her first novel. She is an incredibly talented writer.”

Rosie’s face went soft and her body relaxed.

“Yeah, and we all went to college together,” Tasha cut in, slapping Rosie on the back, who fell slightly forward.

Clunk.

The sound of metal hitting the hard wood floor rang through our tiny circle. Rosie stood ramrod straight next to me, as all of our heads glanced down to where the noise came from.

Between Rosie’s legs, on the ground, were two gold marble looking balls connected together by a string. As a collective group, we all bent at the waists to get a better look at what just fell out of Rosie’s dress, holding our drinks by our sides. The only one who wasn’t bending over was Rosie, who was frozen in place, in mid-handshake mode, a look of mortification plastered across her face.

My heart beat at a rapid rate, my pulse picked up, and all I wanted to do was pull Rosie into a hug and shelter her from whatever was about to happen. I didn’t care what people thought; all I cared about was protecting my girl.

“Oh, dear,” Darlene said, getting a good look at the gold marbles. “Are those Ben Wa balls?”

Tasha, the bitch that she was, bent a little closer and confirmed for the group. “Yes, they are, in fact, Ben Wa balls.”

“What are those?” Eric asked, not making the situation better.

Rosie still stood frozen, while Tasha answered for her. “I’m glad you asked, Eric. Ben Wa balls are a popular kink toy made famous by Fifty Shades of Grey. They are used as a stimulator to flex and tighten the vaginal muscles, while also creating slight vibrations within your uterine walls . . . a little fun for the lady clenching to hold them in.”

“Oh,” the group said together, looking at Rosie.

She giggled and waved her little fingers at everyone. “A spicy life is a healthy life, am I right? Ladies have to make things tight so Legacy condoms don’t take away all the sensation from men.”

Oh, shit . . .

She realized what she said and started to backpedal. “I mean, because they’re so strong and durable. Nothing is getting through those suckers. Henry and I use them all the time, sometimes four times a day, and never once has his peen chafed. Double wrapping is child’s play when it comes to Legacy. Condoms rock!” She fist-pumped the air.

Silence enveloped us and the need to bury my face in a punch bowl was overwhelming. I could feel the promotion I worked my ass off for slowly slipping out of my grasp.

Not being able to handle awkward silences very well, Rosie continued, her balls still on the floor between her legs. She put her finger on her chin and looked up at the sky while she spoke. “You know, now that I think about it, Legacy is a fantastic company when it comes to latex. We had a lot of sex when I first lost my virginity, and I can’t recall a time when I thought, ‘Ouch, my vagina hurts from so much rubber rubbing inside’.” As if a light bulb went off in her head, she said, “Oh, you should use that in your campaign. No raw vaginas here.”

Fucking crickets.

“Any who,” she sighed and put a hand on her hip. “I’m just going to grab my balls here and mosey on over to the drink station. All this talking has made me parched. Can I get anyone a drink?”

No one responded.

“Okay, one sodie for me then. Check!” she drew a check mark in the air. “If anyone wants to borrow my balls, let me know,” she laughed awkwardly. “Just kidding, my friend Delaney said you don’t share vagina things.”

With that, she bent forward and reached for her Ben Wa balls, when a giant rip rang through the stillness of our group. I knew it was Rosie; it had to have come from her, not just because she was now stagnant in her bent over position, holding her chest, but because that would just be her luck.

“Oh, dear, what was that?” Darlene asked.

“Pretty sure it was Rosie,” Tasha said.

I didn’t know what to do, what to say. All that kept flying through my mind was giving Tasha a swift kick to the taco.

Rosie raised her hand from her bent over position. “It was me. Just a little party trick.” Slowly, she grabbed the balls by the string with her finger and then sprung upright, like the bend and snap movement from Legally Blonde.

Nausea ran rampant through me . . . the sweats were consuming the back of my neck, and I felt physically incapable of helping my girl.

The minute I took in the scene in front of me, I was pretty sure my eyes bulged out of their sockets.

Standing tall with her arms bent, hands right next to armpits, T-Rex style, balls dangling, was Rosie with two sharp wires poking out of the front of her dress, like she had a triceratops trying to ram its way through her cleavage.

“Is that . . . your underwire?” Danielle pointed at Rosie’s chest.

“Surprise!” Rosie shouted, raising her arms above her head and lightly shimmying her chest at the group. “Anyone want to hang their coat?” To demonstrate what she was talking about, she placed the string connecting the balls on the exposed wire of her bra and smiled brightly. “The term ‘rack’ it’s quite literal in this situation, right?” she elbowed Tasha next to her, who stepped away, disgusted.