The Randy Romance Novelist(66)

She talked naturally with Henry and Eric, touching Henry’s arm occasionally while she laughed. It took everything in me not to shove my heel through her eye socket.

Their interactions almost seemed so incredibly natural, as if they were made for each other, and at that moment, I no longer felt sexy; I felt like the frumpy girlfriend who was too big to fit in her dress. Tears started to well up in my eyes, and before they could fall over and ruin my makeup, I dashed off to the bathroom, where I locked myself in a stall and took deep breaths.

Needing some encouragement, I dialed Delaney on my phone and prayed she picked up.

On the second ring, she answered, “Hello?”

“Delaney, I can’t do this. She’s so pretty and I’m barely fitting in my dress. What was I thinking when I chose this outfit? I look like a stuffed sausage trying to expand out of its casing.”

“Are you insane?” Delaney cut me off before I could say anything else. “You look gorgeous, Rosie. You look sexy as hell, and the minute Henry sees you, he will fall at your feet. Now, have you put the balls in yet?”

“No,” I replied quietly.

A long, drawn-out breath sounded over the phone. “Rosie, I am going to cancel my bachelorette party tomorrow and blame everything on you if you do not put those balls in your vagina. I’m telling you, the minute you whisper into Henry’s ear about clenching his cock, he’s going to want to take you home immediately. It will be Boner City and his dick will name you mayor.”

“Men really like that?”

“You tell me? What do your books say to do?”

“You always say they’re fiction and don’t count as real life,” I countered.

“They are fiction, but men’s responses are most of the time spot on in those books. Are you going to be adventurous and turn up the heat in your relationship or just sit back and watch Tasha talk to your man?”

I pulled out the Ben Wa balls and stared at them. I could do this. “I’m going to be adventurous.”

“That’s my girl,” Delaney cheered. “Call me later. Love you!”

She hung up before I could ask her any questions, most likely because she was in the middle of her own sexual adventures.

Needing to grow a pair of lady balls, I grabbed the lube, pulled down my underpants and lifted my dress up around my waist.

Being a lube virgin, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the thin liquid, so, I popped the top open, squatted ever so slightly with my legs spread as much as they could go, thanks to my underwear, and I pressed the lube up near my vagina. Taking a deep breath, I squeezed hard and shot the lube straight up into Virginia.

A cold wave of thin liquid coated my inner walls right before gravity took hold of it and brought it back down, straight into my underwear, my now appointed lube net.

“Crap,” I muttered, looking down at the pile of liquid sitting in the crotch of my underwear.

Bottle and balls in my hands, I stared at the mess and tried to decide what to do. The heaviness of the lube weighed down my underwear, so I shimmied them down my legs and toed them to the side to pick up after. Commando was sexy, I told myself.

Still eyeing the balls, I convinced myself I could do this. How hard could it really be? Taking a deep breath, I prayed there was enough lube still coating Virginia and slipped the first ball in. Easily I pushed it up and was pleased with the way it fit. With a little more confidence, I thumbed the second one inside and clenched. A small vibration rang through me . . . a pleasing sensation was I wasn’t expecting.

“Well, isn’t that delightful?” I said to myself.

Standing there, I felt comfortable; I could totally do this. More confident, I deposited my underwear and the empty lube bottle in the sanitary napkins trash can—sorry cleaning service—and wiped my hands with some toilet paper so I didn’t slick down the door handle.

Flushing the toilet, I exited, walking very slowly to the sink. With every step, my confidence wavered. I had to really think about each push forward, clenching as tight as I could, praying I didn’t strain my damn cervix.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

While I washed my hands, I looked at myself in the mirror. I observed the way my brown locks fell over my shoulders in voluptuous waves, along with the cat-eye makeup I’d applied to my eyes, accentuating my blue irises. My lips were plump and red, and my boobs were inches away from popping out of my dress. I really did look sexy, maybe a little over the top, not really like me at all, but maybe that’s what I needed. I was going to be a mom; I didn’t want to be a single mom.

Henry was hit and miss these days; I didn’t want him to leave me because I was losing myself. I wanted to show him that I could still be frisky, that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

Knowing I could do this, I took a deep breath, blew a kiss to myself in the mirror, and took off toward the door.

I took small steps, keeping my legs closed together as much as possible. I could tell I was walking weird, I knew my tongue was sticking out of my mouth as I concentrated on each step, and I knew if I spread my legs one millimeter apart, my balls were going to drop.

This was probably the worst decision I’d ever made.





Chapter Fifteen


Triceratops Tits



HENRY




If she touched me one more time, I was going to rip the extensions right out of her hair and shove them down her throat.