Shut Out (Bayard Hockey #1)(75)

Fuck. We should be a team on this. We could be a team on this.

We should be a team.

My heart feels like it’s sinking down to my toes. Skylar’s a team player. I’m a team player. In hockey, you have to be a team player. We were a team. And I let her down. I let my team down.

I’m in love with her. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. And I f*cking let her down. She was all alone, her best friend not speaking to her, worried about upsetting her parents with her choices, uncertain of her future, dealing with the fact that her friend raped her and then committed suicide, and I abandoned her too—when she needed someone most.

She’s been through hell. Fuck me, I’m such an *. I was so concerned about my own needs. My own goals and priorities. What a f*cking selfish dick I am.

I don’t know if I can ever make things up to Skylar. She hates me for other reasons now, so I’m never going to get her back. But I can still make something good out of all this. And if I can’t go to Skylar to help me make this happen, I know who I can go to—Victoria.

Okay. Okay. I can do this.

—

Two days later, I’m sitting in Victoria’s office making my pitch. I did my research. I know my own anecdotal stories aren’t going to cut it. But I’m also willing to share my story and open myself up to that judgment.

“A disproportionate number of sexual assaults on campus are committed by athletes.” It’s hard to talk about this. “Often in situations involving gang rape. I put myself in that position. I believe the girl involved in my situation absolutely wanted it, but I wasn’t actually there when it happened and I’ll never know for sure if she changed her mind. I know now I shouldn’t have left. I should have made sure she was okay. And now I think there’s a way to make a difference.”

She studies me with serious eyes. “Go on, Jacob.”

“I know how important athletics are to colleges. Sports bring in so much money to a school. I know it’s important enough that they let me come here, knowing my past. I mean, I wasn’t given a complete pass—I’m being held to some pretty high standards and expectations here. But still.” I take a breath. “Athletic programs have bigger budgets and stronger recruiting efforts, and there’s greater academic leniency for some athletes. For some guys, they think expectations and limits that apply to others don’t apply to them.”

She nods.

“We get lots of attention from lots of people. Maybe it makes us think we’re above all those rules and limits. Plus, we’re encouraged to be aggressive on the ice. Or the football field. Maybe that carries over to off it.” I pause. “I was pretty bitter about what happened to me, because I knew of other situations where the athletes got away with it…and I didn’t, even though I knew I didn’t do anything and I believed my buddies didn’t either. We were made an example of, and it made me angry, but now I can see I’ve learned from what happened. And I think I can help other guys learn before they go through something like this and learn the hard way. Or before some other girl gets into a situation like that and gets hurt.”

“And how would you do that, Jacob?”

“I think the place to start is with the coaches. Coaches have a pretty unique and powerful relationship with their players. If all the coaches went through the same training I did, it would make them more aware. Plus, it would give them the tools to intervene when they see things that aren’t appropriate. I think if they believe doing this would make their teams stronger, they’d be all in.”

“You’ve really thought this through.” Victoria regards me thoughtfully.

“Yes. I have.” I hold her gaze steadily. “I think it’s important. And then I think the athletes themselves could do modified versions of the training. We’re kind of in unique situations, with the demands on our time and the other commitments we have, so it would need to look different. But someone like Skylar would know how to do that.”

“Skylar.” One eyebrow lifts.

“She’s a great trainer. She has a gift for it…knowing how to reach her audience.”

Victoria smiles. “That’s great feedback.” She goes silent and looks down at her desk, flipping a pen up and down. “I want to take this to the president and the executive officers and see what they say.”

I’m not sure of what has to happen here, but that sounds like a next step. “If there’s anything I can do to help with that process, I will.”

She nods thoughtfully. “Yes. It might be good for you to be involved in the pitch. You’re an athlete. You’re in. That carries a lot of weight.” She pauses and tilts her head to one side. “Are you prepared for the pushback you might get from your teammates? Other athletes?”

I hadn’t even thought of that. Now I do. Yeah, I get that that could happen. I think of Black Jack. I don’t give a shit. “I can deal with it.”

She smiles. “I’m pretty impressed with you right now, Jacob.”

I shift in my chair and muster up a smile. “Thanks. It just feels like something I need to do.”

“Okay. Let’s talk about your schedule over the next week or so and see what we can set up.”

As I walk out, Skylar is coming in.

Damn, she’s so pretty, her long hair all gold and pink under a snowflake-dusted knit hat. Her cheeks are rosy, but her lips droop at the corners and her eyes are tired. When she sees me, she stops and her eyes widen.