Shut Out (Bayard Hockey #1)(74)

I have to bite hard on my bottom lip to keep it from quivering.

Still, she doesn’t leave. “That story about Jacob…I don’t know what really happened. But…I think he’s a good guy, Sky.” Then she walks out of my room, quietly closing the door behind her.

My head is spinning like electrons generating magnetic fields. What does this mean? What was going on with Brendan? There was so much I hadn’t known. Had he really cheated on a test? Dear God, why would he have done that? He was not a cheater. He must have been distraught about it.

Yes, he’d been hyper and chatty that night, jumping around in our conversation from one thing to another. I remember thinking it was like he was high on something, but we’d only had a couple drinks. Damn. Tears slide down my cheeks and I palm them away.

I guess we’ll never know the answers to our questions.

I have to say I feel a huge sense of relief at finally having told Ella the truth. She might hate me for being the messenger…like I was annoyed at her for telling me about Jacob’s past. If she does, I think that will pass. I’m still not sure why she told me about Jacob—if her intent was to hurt me, that’s really awful. If she was concerned about me…that’s different. But it’s not her fault it happened. It’s not like she made up the story.

I think he’s a good guy.

Jacob rescued Ella from one of his teammates. He made sure she got home safely when she was drunk. Even though she was the one who’d discovered his secret and told me. And even though she insulted him when he tried to help.

I slide back down into my bed and stare at the ceiling.

Yeah, he’s a good guy.

I think back to when we met, how attracted I was to him despite the cocky arrogance that annoyed me. The glimpses of vulnerability I got—his fear of losing hockey. His belief that without it he was nothing. Now I understand why he was so afraid. He’d almost lost it all, and he had this second chance to make up for what happened.

My hunch that he was uncomfortable during the orientation training now makes sense. He was uncomfortable because of what had happened. That night he came by, he denied that he’d raped anyone. The news articles had said there wasn’t enough evidence to lay charges.

He didn’t do it.

I close my eyes on a wave of sickness. I know Jacob Flass.

The first time we had sex, we didn’t even actually do the deed. He was gentlemanly and considerate, despite us both being so turned on and hot for each other. That was not the behavior of a rapist.

He’s always been respectful of me. Never forced me to do anything. He makes me want him so much I can barely remember my own name, but I’ve always been a willing participant and he always makes sure of that. He helped me with the fundraiser and he actually got his hockey buddies—the ones he thought hated him—to come and sign affirmative consent pledges. And tonight, he looked out for my best friend.

It physically hurts that I believed he would do something like that. And when I think of the stricken look on his face that night when I told him I believed it, when I told him I never wanted to see him again, the pain intensifies to the point where I almost can’t breathe.

I roll over and press my face into the pillows. God. What have I done?

He came over that night because he missed me, and I’m still pissed off about why I didn’t hear from him, but he was trying to apologize for something and I never even let him really tell me what was going on. Maybe he had been trying to end things between us, but even so, I owe him an apology for thinking so little of him.





Chapter 27


Jacob


I don’t know what to do about this.

After dropping Ella off at home, wishing I could go in and see Skylar, then driving away feeling shitty, I’m at home in my room, stretched out on my bed, hands beneath my head.

I’m replaying the ugly scene in the bar. I stepped in and helped and I should be feeling good about that, and I guess I sort of do. But Black Jack was pissed and I saw the angry glare he gave me when he stormed out. He’s a guy I’d rather not get on the wrong side of, and he’s a teammate. But I can’t help but be disgusted by how he acted. Disgusted by his sense of entitlement, that because Ella had been with other guys he was entitled to whatever he wanted from her.

I don’t know what to do about it.

Maybe, like Skylar, who was hurt and turned it into helping others…maybe I can do the same. I made a mistake and I’ve learned from it…Maybe I can turn that into educating others.

I’ve heard hints of that attitude of entitlement from other guys—a few others on the Bears, but also some on the football team. It makes me sick to think that other guys have the feeling that they’re so special that girls owe them sex. Maybe I’ve been living in the land of denial, but f*ck…that’s not right.

If only every player on the team could go through the training that I did.

Wait. Why couldn’t they?

I stare at my ceiling. Why couldn’t we do that kind of training for all the players? It would make them more aware, like it did me. It could make a difference.

I know the training was a pilot, and eventually all new students enrolled at Bayard will go through it. But how about now? How could we make that happen?

My mind is working. Churning. I know who I could ask how to make it happen—Skylar.