Shut Out (Bayard Hockey #1)(73)

Her mouth goes slack. “What?”

My inhalation is shaky. “We were at his place, studying. After, we had a couple beers. I swear, Ella, he was just a friend to me. We were joking around and I don’t know why…he told me he loved me and started kissing me.”

“He was in love with you.” She says the words with quiet resignation.

“No, Ella.” I shake my head. Jacob made me realize this. “He didn’t really love me. I don’t know why he said he did.” I pause. “I admit, I let him kiss me for a few minutes, I’m not sure why. Maybe I was curious. But there was nothing there, no attraction…it was weird. But when I tried to stop him, he wouldn’t.”

“No.” She covers her mouth with her hands.

“Yes. He forced me down and…and…I told him no, I didn’t want to do it. I’ve relived it so many times. I know I could have done things differently. I could have fought back harder. I don’t know if he would have hurt me…He was strong and pretty determined and…I was afraid.”

“He wouldn’t do that.” She stares at me, misery and disbelief etched on her face. “Brendan would never do something like that.”

“And this is why I wasn’t sure I should tell you.” I make a face. “I know you don’t want to believe that of him. Hell, I didn’t want to believe it of him. We were friends, and I felt so betrayed and hurt after. I was so angry at him. That’s why I wasn’t answering his calls or his texts. I didn’t want to see him. I felt so…violated, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Skylar.” Her voice breaks on the word. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I shake my head. “I couldn’t tell anyone. I was so mixed up. He kept calling and texting me, saying he was sorry, and he loved me and he wanted to talk to me. I ignored him. I wouldn’t talk to him. It was three days later…he committed suicide.” Tears fill my eyes too now. “Then I really couldn’t talk about it. The guilt was killing me, Ella. I felt I was responsible for him taking his life.”

She bites her lip. I can see what she’s thinking.

“You think so too.” I look away. “That’s okay. I know why you think that. But I know now that the only one responsible for him taking his own life was him. He must have felt so guilty about what he’d done. I felt horrible. I wanted to die myself. It was such a burden, eating away inside me.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

I nod. “I know. It’s complicated. I didn’t want to tell you, even after you read those texts. Because he was our friend, and you loved him and he did a terrible thing. Jacob told me I should be honest with you, and when I went home for Thanksgiving, I did a lot of thinking. I told my family about it, and I realized I needed to tell you too. There’s been this…this…wall between us ever since…because of that.”

She nods. “I know. I felt it. Something was different, but I didn’t know what.”

“So. Now you do.” I rub my mouth, watching her. “I didn’t know you loved him and I certainly didn’t do anything with the intent of hurting you. It was awful. But at least it’s out there and I’ve been honest with you.”

She sits there for a long moment, not meeting my eyes.

I pull in a deep breath. “I hope you can understand, Ella. Because I won’t let people victim-blame me. I did enough of that myself, and when I was at my lowest and decided to get help, I vowed I wasn’t going to allow anyone to do that to me. So if you can’t get past it, then…” My throat squeezes shut. “Then we really can’t be friends.”

She slides off my bed. She seems less drunk now, but she’s still a mess. “I really don’t know what to think…or how to feel. I guess I need to process it.”

I nod.

At my door, she pauses. “Skylar…”

“Yeah?”

“I looked at everything on Brendan’s phone. To see if there was anything else…any other clue about why he committed suicide. There was something else going on with him. He emailed his psychiatrist the day he…” She swallows. “…raped you. Saying he was struggling. It sounded like…he’d cheated on a test and the prof caught him.”

My eyes fly open wide and my hands go to my mouth. “What?”

She bites her lip. “He was upset about it. Worried about what was going to happen. They’d been making adjustments to his medications, but he felt it still wasn’t right.” She pauses. “He was supposed to see the psychiatrist Monday…but he never got there.”

“Oh God.”

“Yeah. But after that, there was nothing that indicated he wanted to kill himself. I saw him that weekend and he was really hyper and talkative. I asked him if he was okay and he said yes, he just hadn’t slept well. But he never said anything, never even hinted…But I should have known…I had no idea that he was going to do that.” She closes her eyes briefly. “And I felt guilty too, because maybe I should have…you know?”

“Yeah.” My lip trembles. “I know, Ella.”

“I just thought you should know that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that sooner?”

“I’m sorry.” She swallows and her face squeezes up. “I’m sorry. I was so angry at you. So hurt.”