Shut Out (Bayard Hockey #1)(80)

“Oh.” She swallows.

“The next day Brittany went to the police with her parents and told them that we had gang-raped her.”

Skylar’s eyes widen.

“There was a big investigation. Ace, Crash, and I were all suspended from the team. There was talk that every player who was at the party should be suspended, but that didn’t end up happening. In the end, after they talked to other people at the party, there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute us. There were people there who saw her asking us. There were people who saw us all go upstairs, including me, but there were also people there who thought they saw me leaving. Crash and Ace admitted I wasn’t there, and they maintained that Brittany wanted it. But still, we got kicked off the team. We’d made the playoffs. We had high hopes of going all the way. But the league wanted to make an example of us, because some other guys got in similar trouble and all got off. So we were out.”

I bend my head, and embarrassed that my hands are shaking, I clasp them together. “I had to pull out of the draft because of it. I thought my hockey career was over.” I pull air into my tight lungs. “But my coach and GM and my folks did some digging around, and pulled some strings, and they found this school that was willing to take me even with my baggage. As long as I stayed clean and kept my grades up.”

“You didn’t rape her.”

“No. Lots of people didn’t believe that. It pissed me off. Honestly, I’m not sure if the team believed me. Even if they did, they were pissed that it happened and drew all that negative attention to them. It was a stupid thing for me to do. But they at least tried to help me out. Looking back…” I close my eyes and tip my head back. “I’ll never know for sure what happened. Ace and Crash insisted she didn’t say no, ever. But maybe she did. Maybe they were drunker than I thought. I want to believe those guys would have stopped if she said no, but…” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’ve kind of been enlightened about some stuff since I came here.” I open my eyes and meet hers. “After hearing what happened to you, I can’t stand the idea that she might have been trying to get them to stop. And that I was responsible.”

“How were you responsible?”

“I shouldn’t have left. I had misgivings and I should have stayed and got them to stop. I should have known she might have been too drunk to consent.” I suck in air. “The guilt is f*cking killing me.”

“Oh, Jacob.” She bites her lip. “I understand why you feel that way. But you’re not responsible for what happened. Like I’m not responsible for Brendan taking his own life.”

“I could have done things differently.”

“Yes. So could I.”

I hold her gaze. “Yeah. I get it.”

“I’m sorry. So sorry I didn’t believe you at first.” She swallows. “It’s sort of a trigger for me, obviously. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was all emotional about it. But when I thought about the kind of man you are…I knew.”

My heart swells up huge in my chest. “Thank you.”

“It’s all…it’s confusing. It’s not black and white.”

“What isn’t?”

“Sex. Consent.”

I huff out a laugh and rub the back of my neck. “No shit.”

“I’ve seen the girls after you.” She closes her eyes. “I don’t like it, but I understand it. I saw the girls who went after the football players, the basketball players…now I’m one of them.”

“Skylar. It’s not like that with us.”

“I know. I don’t think it is. But it’s hard to sort it all out…a woman’s right to go after what she wants. To enjoy sex as much as she wants and not be called ugly names. And not be forced to do something she doesn’t want to.”

Fuck. My insides heat up. “I know what you’re saying. I’m having a hard time figuring it all out too. It made me so glad I had you, and that I trusted you and you trusted me. At least you did, until I screwed up and got scared because I cared so damn much.” I suck in a breath. “Anyway. Maybe you and I…maybe we can try to help other people make sense of it. That’s why I went to Victoria today.”

Skylar’s eyebrows pucker. “I wondered what you were doing there.”

I tell her about my ideas and she seems impressed.

“I wanted to work on that with you. But I thought I’d screwed it all up.”

“I’m sorry. I reacted badly. I’ve been stressed and worried about Ella, and I was stressed and worried about you, even before that happened.”

Sadness filters through me. “I know. I was acting like a dick. I’m sorry too, Sky.” I pause. “This year’s been tough. But now you know why. Why I have to stay out of trouble. Why I have to keep my marks up. Why I need to play my best hockey, so the scouts will see I’m good and forget about how I screwed up. So I can enter the draft this year.”

“I know how much that means to you.” She eyes me. “What’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know.” I swallow, but I lift my chin. “Whatever happens, I’ll figure out how to deal with it.”

“Why did you stop calling me? Was it because of what happened with Brendan?”