Shut Out (Bayard Hockey #1)(81)
“What?”
“Rape is a hard thing to deal with. Some guys see women as ‘damaged goods’ after that.”
“Jesus Christ.” I jump out of my chair, horrified that she thinks I would see her that way. “No! Is that what you thought?”
“It crossed my mind.”
“Christ.” I scrub my hands over my face. “Christ, no. No.”
“Then…why? What happened?”
“I got scared.” I move right in front of her and stare into her eyes. “Fuck. When you dropped all that knowledge on me about what happened with Brendan, that was heavy-duty shit. And then your best friend was mad at you, and I…felt overwhelmed. I kept telling myself those weren’t my problems and I should back off and let you deal with them. I had enough problems of my own, trying to do well in my courses and play the best hockey I can and make up for what I did before. I thought that was the best thing to do.”
“I understand.”
“Yeah, you understand I’m an *.” I rub my eyes. “I never…it was never about you. It was all about myself.” I give a short laugh. “That was the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. But here’s the thing, Sky. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Couldn’t stop worrying about you. First, I thought you and Ella would talk and everything would be okay. When you told me she still wasn’t speaking to you, I felt like shit. I was leaving you to deal with that all alone. I shouldn’t have.”
“You had no obligation to me, Jacob,” she reminds me quietly. “We didn’t have a real relationship.”
“Yeah, about that.” I meet her eyes. “I think we were both kidding ourselves about that.”
“Wh-what do you mean?” Her eyes go big and glossy, her face wary but her eyes alight with…maybe…hope.
I take her hands. They’re freezing cold and I rub them with both of mine. “Look, I think we need to be honest with each other.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought your problems weren’t my problems and I could just back off, but Jesus, Sky, those were my problems. Because I care about you. And that kind of scared me too.” I swallow hard. “We started off in a fake relationship. But that changed. For me. I thought maybe for you too.” My heart is slamming against my ribs. I’m about to open myself up to a whole world of hurt and humiliation. “I care about you, Sky. Like a real girlfriend.”
She closes her eyes and a tear slips out. Shit. I hope this isn’t a replay of what happened with her and Brendan. But I won’t be an asswipe like he was, if she’s about to tell me we’re just friends.
“If you don’t feel the same, I understand,” I quickly add, so she knows that.
“I do feel the same.”
Relief pours through me, almost taking me down like the dirtiest slew foot. “Thank f*ck.” I tip her chin up and she opens her eyes and gives me a tremulous smile. “I let you down when you needed me, because I was a selfish prick. And then I was too pissed off to explain things to you when you found out about Brittany. You deserve so much better than me, Skylar. You’re so sweet and giving and strong.”
“Jacob.” She lays a palm on my face, and I tilt my head into it because it feels so good. “I know you think that without hockey you’re nothing. But that’s not true. Look at how you’ve been doing in your courses. You could easily stay in college and get a degree. And the things you’ve done with the fundraiser—you draw people in and make them want to do more. You make it fun.”
“Ah, baby.” I reach for her hips and pull her close. Her bulky coat is too much between us, but we’ll deal with that. “You know, I was thinking about stuff before you got here. I was kind of freaking out about losing you. About what happened today, how I’m gonna get through exams now, and what happens if I get suspended or something. But I realized, I can do it.” I hold her gaze and the love that shines for me in her eyes makes me feel even stronger. “If I got through what happened in the spring, I can get through anything.”
“Yes. You’re right. And I’m here for you, Jacob. Whatever happens with the team…we’ll figure it out. We’ll make sure you play in the NHL.”
My heart squeezes painfully. “Shit. You’re here for me? You’re the one who’s been through hell. I look at you and what you overcame, and I feel…in awe. And I don’t know if you even need me, but I’m here for you too.”
“I do need you. I missed you so much.”
“Me too. Damn, baby, me too.” I crush her in my arms and find her mouth with mine. After a long kiss that I pour everything into, I lift my mouth from hers but keep my nose touching hers. “Missed you so damn much.”
I push the coat off her shoulders so I can feel her body in my arms, against me. Longing fills me, pushing at my skin, swelling inside me with aching intensity. I want her with me, always. In all ways.
“I’ve made so many mistakes,” I whisper. “I don’t know how you can even forgive me.”
“I’ve made mistakes too. I should have reported Brendan, maybe gotten him the help he needed. I should have told Ella about what happened. Oh.” She tells me what Ella told her about Brendan maybe cheating on a test and his medications not working.