Second Chance(23)

It’s a personal piece based on my own experiences, particularly my current situation. I’m writing about the challenges of coming back to live somewhere where people know my history after having lived “stealth” for a while (I hate that word actually but I’ll cover why in the article too). So I’m talking about my situation, but then also going into the choices that trans people make about disclosing or not-disclosing their trans status, and how it’s down to the individual (obviously). I’m going to try to pitch it to some online magazines/news websites. But if I can’t find any takers I’ll post it on my blog.

After getting mugs out and putting teabags in them, Jack typed: So what exactly does stealth mean? And why do you hate the word?

There was another pause that was long enough for him to finish making the tea. His phone buzzed as he put his mum’s tea down on the table.

“Thank you,” she said. His phone buzzed again. “Someone’s popular today!”

There was an unspoken question in her words, but Jack ignored it. He hadn’t mentioned Nate to his parents since the day they’d gone out for a drink together, and his parents hadn’t brought him up either. It felt uncomfortably like being a teenager again, keeping secrets, and fearing his parents’ disapproval. It wasn’t any of his parents’ business who he spent time with, but Jack didn’t want to talk to them about his friendship with Nate.

Back in his room, he read the new messages.

Stealth is a term used a lot in the trans community for a trans person who lives their life without disclosing their trans status, and who gets read reliably as the gender they identify as. So therefore people usually assume they’re cisgender. It’s a useful word because it’s quick and easy, but when you think about it, it’s problematic because it implies deception. It makes it sound as if the trans person is tricking people into thinking they’re something they’re not, when actually it’s the exact opposite. They’re letting people see exactly who they are, and their history shouldn’t be relevant.

The second message said:

The concept of “passing” is another one that’s annoying. When people tell me I pass as male, it’s annoying because I am male. Again, passing implies some pretence or disguise. But I’ve already written an article about that :)

Thanks for explaining, Jack typed. I’d heard the term passing but not stealth. And I see what you mean about them being problematic. He pressed send. Then followed up with: I’d like to read some of your articles sometime.

There’s a lot of stuff on my blog. Many of my articles are based on posts here. Nate gave a link.

Thanks. I’ll check it out.

Jack was glad they were talking again. Hopefully they’d moved past the weirdness of Saturday night. He didn’t want to lose Nate as a friend again when they’d only just reconnected. When no reply came from Nate, Jack typed: I’d like to see you again soon. It would be cool to talk about this sort of stuff in person.

About trans stuff? ;)

Just about life stuff. Yours and mine.

Nate replied with a smile emoticon. Then added: Yeah. Okay. Where and when works for you?

Jack had no idea what his parents’ plans were for the week so he didn’t want to ask Nate to his place. How about a dog walk one afternoon if you can fit it in around your work?

Yeah, I can be flexible. Wednesday?

Excited at the prospect of seeing Nate again, Jack replied: Yep. Sounds good. I can be ready to go out by about 2 p.m.

Want to walk locally or go somewhere further afield in the car?

I don’t mind. You choose.

Okay. Let’s work it out on the day. See you then.

The conversation seemed over, so Jack put his phone aside, reached for his laptop, and started to read Nate’s blog.





Seven





On Wednesday Nate struggled to focus on his work all morning. He kept checking the time and the hours seemed to be passing more slowly than usual.

He had mixed feelings about seeing Jack again. They hadn’t had a chance to talk about what happened on Saturday, because Nate had bolted like a frightened rabbit. When Jack had texted the next day, Nate hadn’t wanted to talk in messages and since then, they’d been pretending that nothing had happened. Nate now regretted asking Jack to forget about the kiss, because he hadn’t been able to. He wondered whether Jack had had more success with that or whether it was still on his mind too.

When his phone buzzed with a text notification just after half twelve, Nate abandoned his work immediately. It was Jack.

I’m about to head home now. Still okay for that walk later? It’s nice out today.

Nate glanced out of the window over his desk. His workspace was set up in his bedroom, which overlooked the garden. The sky was cloudless unbroken blue. A glorious winter day.

Definitely. Fancy heading over towards Cam or Dursley? I’m in the mood for walking up a hill.

Yes, Jack replied with a thumbs up.

Pick you up around two then. That should give Jack time to change and eat before heading out.

He got another thumbs up, followed by: See you soon :)



Nate pulled up outside Jack’s house just before two. Eager to get going, he didn’t think Jack would mind him being a little early. He rang the doorbell, and his heart lifted at the sound of footsteps. But when the door opened it was Jack’s mum on the doorstep, not Jack. Surprise registered on her face before she schooled it into a stiff smile.