Second Chance(21)

He carried on brooding as he ate his breakfast. Nate’s revelation that he’d had feelings for Jack as a teenager brought lots of memories back. Seeing them through the lens of this new knowledge gave them an entirely different quality. Jack remembered the time he’d persuaded Nate to kiss him, to see whether he was attracted to girls, and cringed.

“Fuck,” he muttered as he put his plate in the dishwasher. It made him feel like a right wanker, that he’d used Nate like that. But at the time it had seemed the sort of thing a best friend would do without caring.

He carried a cup of coffee up to his room and sat on his bed, letting his mind wander back to all the other times where it must have been hard for Nate, keeping that secret.

Stephen had been spot on when he’d suggested that Nate was jealous. No wonder Nate had been in such a shitty mood that night.

Thinking about it, Jack realised the reason their friendship had survived as long as it did was probably that he’d been mostly single throughout his time at school. Apart from Stephen he’d only had one other experience with a boy before he went to uni. The other time had been with Ben, an older brother of a friend. They’d met at a different party, but Nate had been away on holiday at the time. Jack and Ben had left the party early in Ben’s car. They’d parked in a quiet country road and Jack had blown him. After that they’d hooked up a few more times. Jack had had a massive crush on him, but he’d known Ben only wanted Jack for sex. He’d heard on the grapevine that Jack was gay and saw him as an easy source of blowjobs. Ben said he was straight and Jack believed him, because he didn’t show any interest in touching Jack’s dick.

By the time Nate got back from holiday Jack had realised Ben was an arsehole, but couldn’t quite kick the thrill of sucking his cock. He hadn’t told Nate what was going on, knowing Nate would disapprove—not of the sex, but of Jack letting himself be used like that.

It had all come crashing down a couple of weeks later anyway when Ben stood Jack up one night. When Jack had called and left a message, Ben never called him back. It hadn’t taken much digging on the local grapevine to find out that Ben had a new girlfriend. He obviously didn’t need Jack to suck his dick anymore.

Hurt, Jack met up with Nate that night and got hammered on cheap cider. Once he was drunk he’d finally admitted to Nate what the matter was. Jack remembered being grateful that Nate hadn’t given him a hard time. He knew Nate had been thinking that Jack was stupid for letting Ben take advantage of him, but he hadn’t said it. Instead he’d hugged Jack while Jack sobbed angry tears into Nate’s shoulder.

Thinking back, Jack realised Nate had never dated anyone while they were teenagers. He’d never even got off with a guy despite having plenty of male attention. Some idiots used to tease Nate, calling him a lesbian, or saying he was frigid. But Nate had always shrugged it off, not showing that it hurt—if it did. Jack knew Nate fancied boys, because they’d often discussed which boys they found attractive. Back then, it had never occurred to Jack that Nate’s avoidance of sex and relationships was odd. He’d been so selfishly wrapped up in his own struggle with his identity that he’d never stopped to wonder why Nate kept himself closed off from others. Jack supposed it had suited him that Nate never had boyfriends, because it meant Nate was always there for him.

Lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, Jack felt guilty for how oblivious he’d been. He wondered whether Nate’s celibacy had been entirely due to his crush on Jack, or whether it was also tied up with his gender identity. Either way he felt bad for failing Nate as a friend at the time. He should have asked, should have encouraged Nate to talk more instead of listen to Jack all the time.

Jack picked up his phone again, wanting to try to smooth things over with Nate. Maybe it would be good to meet and clear the air. He texted: What are you up to today?

Nate replied with: Not a lot. Picking Cass up from her party soon, then probably getting out for a dog walk. Then it’s my turn to cook tonight.

Jack smiled as he typed: Exciting stuff.

What about you? Nate sent back.

Not much. I need to get myself organised for work tomorrow. That would actually take some effort as he needed to dig out his Dad’s bike and make sure it was in working order. The buses didn’t run early enough for Jack to use public transport. Jack paused, and then added another line: Fancy some company on that dog walk? I could use a reason to exercise.

There was a longer pause before Nate replied this time.

Sorry, but I’m hoping to persuade Cass to come with me. And I like the chance to talk to her alone. Dog walks are good for that.

Jack tried to ignore the thump of disappointment in his gut. Of course, he replied. Have fun.

Good luck with the job tomorrow.

Thanks. Jack closed his phone and set it aside with a sigh.



On Monday morning, Jack woke at 5 a.m. with a solid ball of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He’d been hoping to sleep till his alarm went off at six. Knowing there was no chance of him getting back to sleep; he got up and went downstairs to make coffee.

Not hungry yet, he took his coffee into the living room and turned on the TV for distraction, keeping the volume low. He found The Jeremy Kyle Show on ITV and watched angry people yelling at each other for a while, but it didn’t do much for his stress levels, so he switched to a programme about people fixing up houses instead.

At six, he made more coffee, took his meds, and forced some food down, even though he wasn’t hungry. Then he went upstairs to shower and dress, ready for the day. At least he wasn’t short of appropriate clothes for work. The dress code was smart/casual and Jack had plenty of things that fit the bill. Once he’d trimmed his beard and dressed, he studied his reflection in the mirror on the inside of his wardrobe door. In chinos, a shirt and tie, and a V-neck jumper, he looked the part, even if he didn’t feel ready for it. He’d be a bit sweaty after cycling, but had put an extra layer of deodorant on as a precaution. Luckily it was January, not July, the route was very flat, and he was planning on taking his time.