Say You Love Me(9)
“Yeah, well, TJ’s not really an innocent, is he?” I raised an eyebrow at her. “I mean, before you guys got together, he was a jackass to both of us.” I laughed. “He was always making fun of us. And this is something that I can imagine him making fun of me for.”
“That’s just his way.” Mila looked at me with a small, loving smile, though I knew she was thinking of TJ’s ways much more affectionately now than I was. I didn’t love him.
“Exactly.” I gave her a pointed look. “That’s his way. He’s not just going to stop doing it. Yeah, maybe he’s going to stop teasing you because he loves you and he wants to marry you and keep having sex with you.” I laughed at the look on her face. “But nothing has changed with me. He’s still going to keep teasing me. And if I’m going to do this crazy plan and try and get Cody to be my BFF, then I’m not going to want to be worried that TJ is going to let something slip and make me look like an idiot.”
“So you’re entertaining the idea?” Mila said with a smile, ignoring my TJ disses.
“Maybe. I don’t know.” I sighed. “It doesn’t seem like the worst idea. And then at least I’d get to spend time with him. So that even if he doesn’t fall in love with me, he’d still be in my life.” I took another sip of wine. “Oh, God, I sound pathetic, don’t I?”
“Not pathetic. You just sound like someone who wants to be around the man you love.”
“I can’t really love him though, can I?” I groaned and placed the glass of wine down on the table in front of me. “This is just sad. I’m in love with a guy who sees me only as his sister’s best friend and now I’m trying to become his best friend, so I can be closer to him, so that I can hopefully make him jealous and get him to fall in love with me.”
“We can’t help who we love.” Mila shrugged. “That’s why I got into the fake engagement with TJ. I just wanted to spend time with him. I mean, that wasn’t the best situation for me in any way. I thought my heart was going to be ripped out of my chest. I thought my soul was going to leave my body forever.”
“Yeah, but it worked out for you.” I gave her a weak smile. “And, well, TJ at least was eager to sleep with you. Cody has never given me any indication that he is interested in anything with me. No dating, no kissing, no bending me over a bed and taking me. He’s not given me any indication for anything. And I know he’s not asexual.”
“Would you be happy if he’d tried to make a move, like he did with Barbie?” Mila said softly. “Honestly, how would you have felt? What if he basically had a one-night stand with you and then never spoke to you again?”
“Well, I’d feel like shit, but at least I’d know that he’d at least been attracted to me once.” I gave her a wry smile.
“Sex isn’t even always about attraction,” Mila said. “Plus, Cody’s an idiot—one of those guys who gets drunk enough and sleeps with anyone.”
“Well, Barbie wasn’t exactly ugly,” I said as I thought about the girl that Cody had slept with a few months ago at Mila’s lake house. My heart had ripped in two when I’d realized that they’d hooked up. Barbie had been beautiful—one of those girls that every girl is jealous of. She’d made me feel so insecure, with her perfect body and perfect looks. And the fact that her personality was awful had only made things worse because it had made me realize that personality really accounted for nothing. She’d been the biggest bitch, yet that hadn’t stopped Cody from hooking up with her the first chance that he’d gotten. I didn’t even care that he’d been drunk. In fact, part of me wanted to write him off completely. He’d obviously had no feelings for me, if he was able to do that. Absolutely no feelings at all.
The emptiness that resounded through my body made me feel so hopeless and lost. All I could think was what was the point? What was the point of allowing myself to dream of him, when there was never going to be anything between us? If I didn’t even matter to him one iota. But the hope in me wouldn’t die, especially after Mila and TJ had gotten together. I’d figured, maybe I had a chance. Maybe Cody would one day wake up and think to himself, “Oh shit, look, here’s Sally. She’s been here all along. I love her more than anything in my life. I want her so badly. I need to be with her. She’s my soul mate. The love of my life. How can I live without her?” It was a long shot, but it was worth a try. I sighed loudly as I looked at Mila. Her eyes crinkled as she stared at me, and she gave me a half-smile.
“You okay?” She reached over and patted my hand.
“Not really,” I said and took a deep breath. “How can I be okay when I don’t even know if I’m coming or going? How can I be okay when I don’t know if the sun is even shining? How can I be okay when all I think about is him, day and night? Even my dreams are pervaded with him. He’s on my mind all the time. He distracts me at the gym, when I’m reading a book, when I’m watching TV. He distracts me right now and I’m talking about him. I don’t know what to do, Mila. I think I’m going crazy. I know I’m obsessed. I know that this isn’t healthy. I just don’t know what I should do. Should I just give it up? Should I go to a mental asylum? Should I seek professional help?”