Present Perfect(35)

“I didn’t want to talk at your house or our spot.”

“Why?”

He took a deep breath. “Since you left my house, all I can see when I walk into the family room is you sitting on the floor, screaming and crying,” he said.

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t want you to have the same pain as I do whenever you’re in your room or at our spot.” Just when I thought I had no more tears to shed, I felt them forming. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be around each other for a while,” his voice cracked.

I felt all the oxygen rush out of my lungs and my head began to throb. I knew the argument earlier was the worst we had ever had, but I didn’t think he’d want to get rid of me. My eyes felt like they were the size of saucers. My tears were getting harder and harder to hold back. I needed clarification of his statement. Maybe he meant something entirely different than what I heard. I mean, even though we have a strong connection we are of the opposite sex. Men and women misinterpret each other all the time.

For the second time today, a thousand responses flew across my mind in a nanosecond, but only one word escaped my lips. “Why?”

Noah’s deep gaze focused on me, with tears glossing over his eyes. He hesitated before clearing his throat. His voice was so low and husky I had a hard time hearing him. “I think you know why.”

“I think I do too, but I’d like to hear it from you, just in case I’m wrong.”

Fear and apprehension crossed his face before speaking. “Tweet, I don’t know,” he paused. “This thing is confusing.”

“What thing?”

He pointed back and forth between us. “This thing between us. It’s so different.”

“Different good or different bad?” I kept asking questions I already knew the answer to, desperately trying to prolong our time together. I knew exactly what was happening. I was losing my soul mate because I was so f*cked up in the head and I didn’t know how to change it.

“Different confusing. I know you’ve always been down on yourself. I know you think you’re doing what’s best for me. I hate that you think so little of yourself and I hate that you don’t think we belong together. I’ve tried to be around you and stay in the friend zone. I’ve tried so f*cking hard.” Tears were flowing freely down both our faces. “I can’t be around you right now. It hurts too much, because I am so completely and desperately in love you, Tweet.”

Tell him how much you love him, Amanda. Stop being such a f*ck up and say it. He loves you and wants you. You’re losing him. What is wrong with you? Stop sitting here and say something.

“There hasn’t been a day in my life that I haven’t loved you. I wish you would just let me love you,” he said.

He brought his hand up to my face and stroked it gently. Bringing our foreheads to rest together, he whispered. “You will always be the most important thing in my life. I’ll always be there for you no matter what or who. I have no past without you and I can’t imagine a future that doesn’t include you. I just need some time to figure out how I can have you in my life without having you be my life.”

Closing my eyes, I tried to compose myself. I was barely able to speak. I opened them and gazed at Noah. I brought my right hand up to his face, caressing from his cheek to his jaw. “I’m so sorry.”





Walking back to my house, our hands gripped each other’s as if we were holding on for dear life. We stood on my front porch holding each other for a long time. I wasn’t going to be the one to let go first.

Noah whispered in my ear, “I need to go or I won’t, and I have to do this.”

“I know,” I choked out through my sobs.

He took a step back. Our faces were drenched in tears and our chests were heavy from our sobs. The look in his eyes held so many meanings… love, desperation, and the ache you have when you lose the love of your life.

He stared at me for a few long seconds. “Goodbye Tweet.”

“Goodbye Noah.”

He watched me as he walked backwards down the steps, drawing out our time together as much as possible. He lingered at the bottom for a moment as we continued to take each other in.

My lips barely moved when I whispered, “I love you.” For a split second, I thought he heard me, but then he turned away, and was gone.

I hated myself. The very thing I was trying to avoid happened. I lost Noah. I tried so hard to control the situation and keep our relationship unchanged that I didn’t notice him slipping through my fingers until it was too late. Noah’s happiness was the most important thing to me. I wanted him to be happy even if it meant I was miserable. It’s amazing how in just a few hours my entire world came crashing down around me and I just stood there watching it happen.





I think I might be a freak. At almost 18 years old, I have kissed one boy, one time. The only boy I have ever fantasized about is Noah, although, Zac Efron has made an appearance now and again. Yep, he’s a pretty, pretty, pretty boy. His eyes are insane. His hair is so shiny.

Zac and Amanda Efron. OH MY GOD!!! That sounds awesome!!

What was the point of this entry? Oh yeah, am I a freak because I haven’t had sex yet? A lot of girls at school have already had sex. I’ve had guys ask me out, but I always come up with some excuse not to go. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for, it’ just sex. It’s not a big deal. That’s a lie. It is a big deal, at least to me. I guess, ever since I found out what sex was, I always pictured Noah being my first, which is stupid because we’re not going there. I need to bite the bullet and at least go on a date.