In the Stillness(34)

I smiled as I entered, closing the door behind me. “Just me.”

Ryker was pacing around his room, moving things from his desk to his dresser and seemingly back again. He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “Oh, you’re still here?”

“No, just got here,” I whispered as a knot formed in my stomach.

I stood in awkward silence as he finished his task, with the towel wrapped around his waist. He rested his hands on his hips for a moment, staring at his desk, before he turned to his dresser to get his clothes, apparently satisfied with whatever the hell it was he had just been doing. Wordlessly he dressed, pulling on khaki shorts and a black t-shirt before lacing up his sneakers.





“Where’s your dad tonight?” My pulse kicked up a notch as I guiltily realized I felt better with Bill around.

“Out, I guess.” He shrugged and the knot in my stomach tightened.

Something was extra “off” and I had a sinking feeling, but when he turned to face me, I met his eyes and saw a flash of the Ryker I knew. Still, I involuntarily leaned away when he came in to kiss me.

Ryker stood up straight. “What the hell, Nat, what’s the matter? You’re being weird. I’m just getting my stuff together before I reenlist.”

My eyes bulged, with my mouth hanging open. I knew I should have kept a straight face, but serious alarms were sounding through my head, and I knew I needed to get out of there. He’d never mentioned reenlisting before, and he certainly wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. I forced myself to shake my head and shrug nonchalantly, I just wanted to get him, and me, out of the house.

“Nothing, let’s go to dinner.” I smiled and headed for the stairs.

At the top, Ryker grabbed my wrist and spun me around. Any trace of him had vanished from inside his eyes in a split second. “No, what’s going on?” he yelled like he was at boot camp, or something, and it took my breath away.

“Nothing, Ry, what are you—”

“Who is he? Huh? Who’s the guy you’re f*cking behind my back?” While his eyes bore into mine, I kept stealing glances at the staircase we were perched precariously on top of. Not the best place for an argument.

I assume it was by the grace of God that I kept my shit together on top of those wooden stairs. “Ryker, I’m not seeing anyone else, it’s just you.” I swallowed hard and tried to pull my wrist out of his grip.

“Then why haven’t we been having sex, Natalie? What is it? Am I damaged to you? Is it because I’m going to reenlist that you’re finding someone else to take my spot?”

What?

I really wanted to say that out loud, but knew it would anger him more.

“Ryker, we had sex yesterday . . .” I thought maybe if I kept saying his name, he’d remember who he was—who he really was.

“No, we didn’t, you weren’t even here yesterday. I was . . . I was . . .” Suddenly he dropped my hand and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, seeming to try to clear his head.

I took that opportunity to haul ass down the stairs. Self-preservation was high on my list that night. When he pulled his hands away, it took a second to register that I was at the bottom of the stairs with my hand on the doorknob. I’d intended on just getting the hell out of there, but he met me at the door.

“Natalie, shit, I’m so sorry.” In a flash, he was back. He was holding my shoulders and kissing my face over and over again before reaching for my wrist. “Did I hurt you? Fuck.”

“No,” I cautiously exhaled, “you didn’t. But, um,” my chin quivered as I was about to lose it in front of him for the first time, “I’m really scared, Ry.” I said no more before burying my face into his chest and releasing heavy sobs onto his shirt.

We sank to the floor with our backs against the front door as he held me.

“Me too,” he whispered. “Me too.”

We never made it to dinner. I think we both knew he was gone that night, but we sat huddled and crying on the floor anyway. If I could go back and change things between us, it would start that night and go every night thereafter until the night I ended up in the hospital.

*

I don’t have to wear a short dress to Eric’s graduation.

This is what I’m telling myself as I race into the bathroom after my boys are fast asleep and I’m, obviously, alone in the apartment. Eric is distant one minute, and telling me he loves me the next. There’s something wrong with Oliver, and no matter how big or small, I know I’ll be dealing with it alone. And, for some reason, not only am I unable to shake thoughts of Ryker from my mind, but they seem to be taking over more of my headspace as the days go by.

Finding fresh skin between my hip and thigh, I brace myself for the extra pain that sensitive area brings. Three seconds later I’m reveling in the release, tricking my brain into protecting me from a dangerous situation. I exhale in satisfaction, like someone who’s just taken a sip of one hundred-year-old whiskey for the first time.

In the stillness of the moment, I can hear Ryker’s sweet voice, “Don’t do this, Nat.” Only, he never said that—we didn’t get that far.

“Natalie?” Eric calls as he walks in the apartment.

Shit.

Jumping up, I toss the razor into the trash—having no time to clean it—and turn on the shower. “Just getting in the shower, hon, be out in a few.”