In the Stillness(33)

Dizziness flashes through me for a second, the way it does before you know something inevitably negative will come next. “No, why?” I clear my throat.

“Well, when the room was quiet, there were times he had a delayed or no response to my voice. When his back was turned, there was one time I had to walk around him and get his attention. It looked like I startled him.”

My eyebrows knit together as I replay the same scenarios I’ve had with Ollie over the last several weeks. “I’ve noticed that too, actually. I honestly thought it was an attention thing . . .”

“It could be, or an auditory processing issue. Sometimes, when there’s lots of background noise, it’s difficult for some children to decipher what they need to be tuned in to. If you take him to an Audiologist, they’ll perform lots of diagnostic tests using different frequencies, volumes . . .” the teacher lists off the possibilities in what I think is a very reassuring tone, but I’m scanning every potential risk factor in their short lives. I carried them to full term, they never had oxygen therapy, and have never had a fever over whatever threshold the AAP says is dangerous, but I swallow hard while studying the look in her eyes.

Something’s wrong with one of my sons. And I’m scared.





Chapter 17





Like any parent of the internet generation, I spend the twins’ nap time Googling causes of hearing loss in pediatrics. The most common—and most rational—explanation is fluid build up in the inner ear. The least likely, of course, is a rare brain tumor. Everything in between sends my head spinning. The teacher did mention auditory processing issues, which does seem to be in line with Oliver’s overall behavior lately. When there’s a lot going on around him, he can’t seem to focus on the voice he should.

I’m so wrapped up in WebMD, that it’s not until Eric’s number pops up on my cell phone that it registers he was a no-show for the screening today.

“Yeah?” I answer in a bored tone.

“How’d the screening go, Babe?” He sounds awfully upbeat for someone who didn’t bother to show up.

“Everything went fine. They suggested we get Oliver’s hearing tested, though.”

“Really, why?”

“Because when his back is turned he’s not as responsive as he should be. Sometimes not responsive at all. Haven’t you ever noticed that?”

Eric pauses for a long time. “I guess, but . . . isn’t he just being a kid?”

“I don’t know, Eric. Jesus, I’m not the Audiologist. When will you be home?” I’ve grown tired of the conversation.

He hesitates. “Late.”

“Perfect,” I blurt out, “see you then.”

I hang up and immediately call the Audiologist the school recommended to me. Luckily, they can see us in two weeks—a few days before Eric’s graduation. I guess until then, we’re going to sit around and wait, and I’ll try not to stare at Ollie like he’s a bomb ready to go off at any moment.

*

“How’s he doing?” Tosha asked, a couple of weeks after I told her about Ryker’s first nightmare. We were walking around Amherst, catching up after she’d gone on vacation to Maine with Liz. They were a serious couple and so happy.

“I think things are leveling out, finally. We still don’t spend the night with each other, but I think that has more to do with him not wanting to have another nightmare when I’m in bed next to him. He hasn’t said that, but . . . what other reason could he have for not wanting to stay over?”

I noticed little things, like him reaching across his shoulder every time we walked down the stairs. At first I thought it was his injury bothering him, but he told me it was habit, not wanting his gun to knock on the wall on the way down even though he wasn’t wearing one. That had started to fade over the last week, but his eyes always darted around no matter where we were.

“How are you doing . . . with everything?” Tosha knew I cut sometimes, but we didn't talk much about it after the time she caught me. She just asked me not to be stupid and told me if it got out of hand she would call my parents.

I’d never tell her this, but her threat made me really good at hiding it.

“Eh, I’m fine.” I shrugged.

“If Ryker finds out, Nat . . .”

She had legitimate concerns about Ryker’s potential reaction to my cutting. He’d been really snappy with me when he thought I was being too quiet, or tiptoeing around him. My fear of his reaction actually prevented me from cutting much, for a little while.

“He won’t, it’s fine. We’re actually going out to dinner tonight. It’s our first real date night since that party at UMass—”

“Where he lost his shit?”

“That’s the one. We’re just going to Judie’s, though. Not a rough crowd like the frat parties.” I giggled. “I’ll call you when I get home.”

Tosha hugged me. “You’re doing awesome. Just really make sure you don’t lose you, okay? He needs you, but you need you, too.”

A few hours later, I parked in Ryker’s driveway and headed up to his room.

“Knock, knock,” I cheered sweetly when I got to Ryker’s door.

“Yeah?”