In the Stillness(36)

“Hey,” I spoke softly, standing in the open space. I wasn’t going to let him in until I visually assessed his mood.

“Jesus, Natalie.” He lunged forward and picked me up, kissing my neck and cheeks as he carried me to my bed. “My God, I’m so sorry. Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?” He reached for my wrist but I pulled it away and tugged my long sleeve as far down as it would go, not wanting to open up a cutting discussion. At least he seemed to remember what happened at his house a few hours ago.

I shook my head. “Not really, it’s fine.” I crossed my arms in front of me as we sat awkwardly on my bed, Tosha doing a horrible job of burying herself in her homework with her earbuds in.

Ryker grabbed my face and pulled my mouth to his, kissing me with an urgency I hadn’t felt since the day he left for Afghanistan.

“You taste like beer,” I said when I pulled away. “Where’d you go after I left your dad’s?” Since we were both pretty exhausted by the time I left, I’d assumed he would have gone to bed.

“I grabbed a beer at the Pub to cool down and realized what a total dick I was. I should have talked to you about reenlisting . . .”

Tosha’s jaw dropped open and her eyebrows shot up. I left out that detail when I told her about Ryker freaking out—I didn’t want to think about it. He clearly didn’t remember accusing me of screwing around on him, so I was leaving that alone.

I should have nodded and said we would talk about it later, but should haves are just that. “Is there anything to talk about, or have you made up your mind?”

He clasped his hands in front of him and turned to look at me. “I have to.”

“Why?”

Ryker’s massive shoulders rose and fell under a deep breath before he cleared his throat. “They took Luke, Natalie.”

“I know.” I rested my head on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around my waist. He was Ryker for a moment, and I had to drink it in. “And they almost took you, too.”

It was the first time we ever talked about Ryker getting shot, or about Lucas, since the day we went to his grave. Anxiety fell in tears from my eyes. Tosha closed her laptop and looked at me, then the door. I nodded that it was okay that she left, so she did.

“When your mom called me, Ry,” I continued, “I lost it. I thought it was the call. Tosha had to come get me and drive me home . . .”

He sighed and rested his chin on my head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I didn’t know-”

“You don’t need to be sorry for f*ck’s sake, you got shot. You didn’t have a choice. But, you have one now.”

Ryker sat up and shook his head. “I don’t, Nat. Lucas wasn’t the only one who died in that attack.”

I’d learned from his dad and the news, that five men died that day. I couldn’t honestly wrap my head around how he thought going back overseas was a healthy decision.

“Are you still having nightmares?”

“My dad says they’ve calmed down. He hasn’t had to wake me up for one in a little while.”

I met his eyes and found him there, waiting for me to understand. “I’m worried about you, Ryker. Your moods are all over the place, you don’t remember things that happened yesterday—”

He cut me off with a shout, “I know! Don’t you think I know? Do you have any idea what it’s like to be inside my head?” His neck turned bright red under his sudden rage.

I slowly slid off my bed and put myself between where he sat and my door.

“I don’t, Ryker. You don’t talk to me. I’m just worried that with everything going on in your head, if you’re sent over there again . . .”

“What are you doing?” Ryker stood and walked toward me.

“What do you mean?”

Ryker’s voice cracked. “Do I scare you?”

I gave a pitiful shrug, “I don’t know what you—”

“I shouted and you headed for the door . . .”

I looked to the floor, knowing I had to say it, but not wanting to see his reaction. “It’s been kind of hard predicting your actions lately, you know.” Looking back up, I saw him run a hand back and forth over his head a few times.

“I’m sorry . . .”

We stood in tense silence, and everything screamed at me to run. Well, to kick him out and just go on with my life. Classes were well under way and I didn’t know how much longer I could balance that life with the life of a soldier who was probably suffering from PTSD.

PTSD.

Tosha and I had been talking about it, and my very minute research suggested that was exactly what was going on with Ryker. I didn’t know what to do, until I looked into his eyes.

In a flash, I was flooded with images of the boy I’d met on the common over two years ago. He was wearing the same t-shirt, taking me in with the same painfully beautiful blue eyes that made me approach him without nerves, and biting the same bottom lip that kissed me for the first time—seconds after we first met. He was still in there, and I couldn’t walk away.

Instead, I took two steps toward him, and watched him exhale. “You don’t need to be sorry, Ryker. I just want you to get some help, okay? Promise me.”

Ryker took me into his arms and nodded. I breathed in his clean scent, not wanting him to leave.