In the Stillness(31)

“No, I’m sorry,” I cut in, stepping cautiously toward him. I took his hands in mine, forcing him to stop pacing. “Today was really intense—we shouldn’t have come here—”

Ryker slammed his fists on the roof of his car, cutting me off. “What the f*ck!” he growled, pressing his head into his doorframe.

“Let’s just go back to my dorm okay? I don’t have a roommate this summer, remember?” I tried for a coy smile, but I’m sure it looked more nervous than anything.

He nodded. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

I foolishly breathed a huge sigh of relief as I got into the car and we headed back to my dorm. The nightmares started that night—for both of us.

*

“I’m sorry,” Eric whispers as he kisses tears off my cheek.

I pull my head away. “What?”

“About our fighting lately, Natalie. I know things have been tense lately. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“You didn’t.” I sniff and wipe away my tears as I roll my back to Eric.

“But, you’re crying . . .”

“I know. It wasn’t you . . . hey, I forgot to remind you, but tomorrow is the boys’ kindergarten screening—”

“Seriously, Natalie?” he cuts me off.

“Seriously,” I say without rolling to face him.

“It’s two days before my presentation—”

“Don’t worry if you can’t make it. I’ve got this shit handled.” I know it’s two days before his presentation, and I don’t need him there for registration. But, I refuse to not tell him about life events just to prevent guilt he may or may not feel.

Eric lets out a long sigh and we’re both quiet for a long time, each wanting the other to think we’re asleep.





Chapter 16





“I wonder if I should try to get ahold of Ryker,” I say to Tosha on the phone as I get the boys ready for the screening.

“Are you trying to make me drive off the road?”

“No . . . I mean . . . after, what? Nine and change years after I break up with him and he’s all in my head again? It’s like the universe is trying to tell me something . . . or something.” I pat the boys on the head and finish the call in the bedroom.

Tosha lets out a long groan. “I don’t know, Natalie. Maybe it’s just whatever drove you to Lucas’s grave the other day. It’s been ten years since he died . . . that’s a milestone. I think it all just trudged that ugly shit up in your brain.”

“It wasn’t all ugly, Tosh . . .”

“No, it wasn’t. But when it was, it was really bad. I lost you for like eight months, Natalie—more than that if you want to get technical. It only had to hurt once, Nat. Don’t make it hurt again. Just let it go.”

*

Ryker didn’t sleep the night we got home from the party. I know, because I didn’t either. I was drunk on anxiety from the turn Ryker’s personality had taken over the last twenty-four hours. I wasn’t so foolish as to think he wouldn’t struggle when he got home; I just didn’t know what to do about it.

By the time dawn stretched over the horizon, I heard Ryker’s breathing even out. He’d reached over and held my hand before he fell asleep. I left our fingers entwined as I listened to his peaceful breathing.

“No . . .” Ryker’s voice started far away, but got louder as sweat sprang across his forehead. He started squeezing my hand again, and it hurt worse than when he was awake. His grip only got tighter as I tried to pull it away. He screamed louder than I ever thought someone could scream in their sleep, “Shit, Luke! No!”

He was dreaming about Lucas. I needed to pull him out of it, I thought.

“Ryker. Ryker! Wake up!” In a flash he was on his feet and I was pulled into a sitting position, because he still had my hand.

His ragged breathing filled my tiny dorm room as I watched darkness from sweat take over his grey t-shirt. Though he was looking at me, it took a second before the trance broke, and his eyes started darting around the room. He didn’t let go of my arm for a few seconds, and I didn’t ask him to. It was like watching an animal you accidentally stumbled upon in the woods—don’t make any sudden moves.

“Ry . . .” I whispered, looking at our hands, suspended in air.

He let out a frustrated sigh and, still holding my hand, sat on the bed next to me. I still didn’t try to pull it away. “Holy shit,” he mumbled.

Finally pulling back, he took his and rubbed it over his face a few times before looking around my room.

“It’s okay,” I whispered.

He was looking straight ahead, hands folded, elbows on his knees. “Did I say anything . . . when I was sleeping?”

I could have lied, I suppose, but I didn’t. “You just said Lucas’s name a few times . . .well, Luke . . .”

“How’s your hand?” He still wasn’t looking at me, and his tone was dead.

“It’s fine, Ry.”

“I gotta go,” he said, standing abruptly.

I stood and followed behind him. “It’s like five thirty in the morning, why don’t you stay and get some sleep.”

“I can’t. I just . . . I’ll call you later.” He gave me a tight kiss and left me standing in the middle of my room, confused and scared, as he left without another word.