I Love You to Death(80)

I’d given up on all of that when Luke walked into my life. I didn’t ever believe I would find it again and I didn’t ever believe it wouldn’t be taken away from me if I did. I was so afraid to risk it again, to risk my own heart and whoever it was who got close to me.
Luke changed that though, he changed me. He undid all of the things I’d done to myself. He made it okay to think I deserved more.
He made me laugh again, made me feel alive again, he made me happy again.
He made me love him.
And he loved me in return.
I don’t want to lose that, lose him. I want to hang on to him so badly.
I am so afraid, but Luke also gave me the courage to make a choice, and to fight for that choice.
So even though it scares me more than anything, I know it’s the only choice I have to make. It’s the only choice that matters.
∞

I hear myself yell, "NO!"
I feel myself move in front of Luke, standing between him and the gun now.
I hear myself cry, "No please, not again, please not this time."
I feel Luke’s hand tighten around mine, trying to pull me back.
I hear a loud BANG.
I feel shooting pain jolt through my body.
I hear Luke scream out my name.
I feel my legs give way and my body fall to the ground.
I hear swearing and screaming.
I feel strong arms catch me, holding me tight.
I hear footsteps running and Luke saying my name over and over again.
I feel his soft kisses on my face.
I hear his whispered I love you in my ear.
I feel cold.
I hear sirens.
Then I feel nothing.
Then I hear nothing.
∞

If it had to happen, then it should happen to me. I should be the one to die, the one to go. It should’ve always been me, always. I couldn’t let Luke go, but I could protect him from this, protect him from me.
It all made sense now, what I had to do. I don’t know why I never thought of this earlier. I don’t know if I ever could’ve protected the others, stopped what happened to them, because it was never like this. But I can protect Luke now. He will be okay. Once I am gone, eventually he will be okay. I will miss him like crazy, but this is the only way. I have to protect him, I have to fight.
I’m scared though, I’m really f*cking terrified.
But I love him. I love him. I love him more than I ever thought possible.
His song lyrics are swirling in my head, some of my favourites. Words he wrote just for me, words he’d sung to me tonight. Words that tell me everything, everything that he feels for me; feelings I wish I could put into words for him.
I don’t want to leave, I really don’t, but I have to.
I love him.
This is for the best. This is the only way to protect him.
I love him.
I am afraid, but I know what I have to do now.
I love him.
∞

Somehow I’m moving and everything around me feels like it’s rocking. A finger suddenly pulls my eye open and there are harsh, bright lights above me. I want to close it again, to block the light out. I feel a sharp jab in my hand and then a slow coldness running up my arm. Something is pressing hard on my stomach and it hurts so badly. The rest of my body feels numb, cold. I’m shivering and I can’t make it stop. I want to wrap my arms around myself and make it stop, but nothing moves. My body feels like lead, like it’s weighed down and bound so tightly, that nothing will move. I can hear a loud noise, a wailing sound, it’s deafening and I want to block my ears. A hand is gripping mine. Everything is rocking. The hand squeezes mine.
Luke.
I hear his voice whisper pleadingly in my ear, "Stay with me Ash please, I love you, stay with me."
I want to. I love you too.
"Please, please don’t leave me. I need you," he begs me.
I don’t want to, but I have to.
I am moving again.
Footsteps, I can hear lots of footsteps, running. More bright lights now and banging. Doors are being slammed all around me. Voices are everywhere.
I am moving faster now.
Fingers gripping my hand, begging me to stay.
I try to squeeze back, let him know it’s alright. Nothing happens.
Luke.
I feel myself lifted and then put down with a thud.
My hand has been let go. I want to reach out, try to find him but still nothing happens. I can’t make my arm work.
Suddenly he is there again, both of his hands now holding mine. Squeezing it so tight.
Luke.
Loud noises are everywhere.

Beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep

Voices too.
….."Quickly, we need to stop the bleeding…"
…."Let’s hang three units now!"
Pain, there’s so much pain. It’s flooding through my body, a blinding, intense pain, pulling at everything inside of me. It’s pulling me away from here. I can feel myself slipping from wherever I am now. I am so cold.
I try to focus on my hand in Luke’s. I try to squeeze it but nothing, nothing happens.
It’s so noisy in here, I wish it would all go away. Please just go away. Please just go away. Leave me, leave him.
But the noises stay.

Beep  -  -  beep  -  -  beep

Voices, so many of them now.
…."Let’s move it people, someone get rid of those clothes…"
….."You need to stay out of here"…..
…."NO!"….

Beep  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  beep

"We’re losing her!"
"Get a crash cart in here…..NOW!"
…."Asha"….. "Please!"