I Love You to Death(81)

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

"CLEAR!"
∞

Somewhere, faintly, I can hear someone counting.
Numbers.

One

When I was only one minute old I lost the first person from my life. I was an unforseen complication who killed her mother. She’d wanted me so badly, but in the end she never got to know me and I never got to know her.

Two

For some reason, then I got a decade off. But at the age of ten I lost my best friend, my loyal defender, Grace. I was a child and I did something so stupid, it ended up killing her.

Three

By twelve it was my Grandad, a man who always made me feel better, made me happy and who was one half of the greatest love story I’d ever heard. He’d tried to make me happy and it killed him.

Four

Then at sixteen it was a boy who had the misfortune to be the subject of a school girl crush. Maybe if he hadn’t been so nice to me, hadn’t felt the same way, it could’ve been avoided.

Five

One year later my Mom’s sister joined her. Her surrogate mothering earning her the same fate as my real mother. Once again I was the unforseen complication who caused it.

Six

By the time I finally had another best friend, I was beginning to wonder if knowing me was such a smart idea. When Nate died at nineteen, I was sure it wasn’t, because once again I’d been the reason.

Seven

Then at twenty-one my Grandma was next. For some reason this one caused me the least guilt, even though I was to blame. This one at least, gave a final happy ending to that beautiful love story, even if I was the reason why.

Eight

Then my role model, my mentor, the woman I aspired to be, died and I hoped it could all finally stop now. But that wasn’t going to be the last of it. Because then, then it really started to hurt. Almost as if death was coming for me with a vengeance now, like the last twenty-one years had all been a warm-up. Because then;

Nine

I lost my dad.

Ten

My brother, Seth.

Eleven

My sister-in-law, Lara.

Twelve

And Sam.
The man I loved. The man I trusted, the man who knew the truth about me and still stayed with me. Then I broke his heart and he died.
I felt like I was dead then too, that I really would be better off dead.
But I wasn’t and I couldn’t do it, so I did the only thing I could do. I removed myself from the world. Tried to stay away, tried to protect people from me. Tried so very hard, not to get attached again.
But then something happened. Someone happened.
Luke.
He walked into my life and slowly, gently he showed me how to smile again, how to start living again. He gave me a reason to breathe again. Showed me that living was worth it and it was worth fighting for. That it was worth taking a risk and making the choices you wanted to make. That he was choosing me, fighting for me and he wanted me to fight for him, for us.
I am going to fight this time, but I’m not going to let him be next.
So when it came time for number thirteen, that’s when I decided, I was finally making a choice and I would fight for that choice. This time I was going to be the one who would choose.

….Thirteen

And this time, it would be me.
∞

I feel a sudden powerful jolt. It surges through me, blocking out everything else.
The noise is all gone now, the pain too. I am no longer cold. I can’t feel Luke’s hand anymore. I can’t feel anything. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing.
And it feels amazing.
A memory flashes through me.

...late in the evening, walking into our bedroom and seeing Luke’s guitar. Picking it up as I sit on the bed, holding it as though I was going to play. Feeling him slide in behind me, his legs holding me between him. Feeling his arms wrap themselves around me as he places his hands over mine on the strings. "Do you want me to teach you to play?" he whispered in my ear. "You’d do that?" I whispered back, as his lips trailed soft, slow kisses down my neck. "I’d do anything for you Ash, anything," he said, gently biting my shoulder. "Luke," I whispered as his kisses slowly moved back up my neck. His guitar fell to the floor...

It’s gone.
I wonder what time it is.
Today is my birthday and I got the best gift of all.
I got to save him.
I wonder where Luke is. I hope he is ok. I hope the others are with him.
I hope he knows that I love him.
More than anything.
And I really hope he knows why.



I Need to Tell You
Music & Lyrics by Luke Taylor


I can never explain all that I feel, to you
I can never show everything that I feel, to you
But I need to tell you
How much I want you, how much I need you
And how much I love you.

I need to tell you,
That you are the air that I breathe
That you are my heart as it beats
That you are my soul and all that it keeps
You are my everything and
I will spend forever trying to show you.

But I need to tell you
How much I want you, how much I need you
And how much I love you.
I need to tell you
I really need to tell you
How much I love you.




Infinity, like love, is a quantity without bound or end
∞

Playlist:
1. Everlasting Love – U2 version
∞

Death.
The only certainty in life.
That’s what they say anyway, but really, they underestimate the power of other things. The power of choice and the power of fighting for that choice.