I Love You to Death(54)

"Coffee Ash?" he asks.
I can’t talk. I literally can’t move.
"Ash?" he asks looking up at me. "Would you like a coffee?"
I shake my head, trying to get my brain to work. "Yeah thanks," I finally stammer out. "Ah, why are you making me coffee?"
He smiles again and now my stomach feels like it’s falling. I feel like I’m falling or floating or maybe even flying.
"I don’t know," he says shrugging. "Just thought I would make you coffee for a change."
He places a mug on the counter for me, stirring in a sugar. He’s made it black, just like his.
Oh shit I think to myself as though I’m seeing all of this for the very first time. It’s true. I really like him. I really do like him. And he knows, I know that he knows. God he knows how I drink my coffee now, that I drink it like he does. He knows, he knows everything.
"Can I make you some breakfast?" he asks me.
Does he not realise I’m standing here mute, dumbstruck, completely blown away by my sudden realisation? Does he not see what I’m thinking, how I feel about him now? His offer of food makes me think back to our little taste test the other day. Something hot flashes through me and I wonder if I can even remain standing at this point.
"Ash?" he asks again, coming over to me. "Is everything alright?"
He’s standing right in front of me now and all I can think is I want to kiss you so badly. I look up at him and force my brain to start working. "Yeah sorry, day dreaming," I say, attempting a smile and at the same time, wondering why I can’t just lean in and kiss him.
And then, smiling back at me, Luke reaches out his hand and I watch as he runs it over my hair, curling strands of it around his finger.

Kiss me.

His eyes are very dark now. They’re watching his fingers as he gently winds my hair around them. It looks as if he isn’t in control of his own hand, as if even he’s trying to work out what it’s doing. I’m watching his eyes and I’m positive he can hear my heart, which is racing, pounding inside my chest now.

Kiss me.

His eyes move to mine. We stand there just staring at each other, waiting for one of us to move.
Waiting.
Waiting for one of us to do something.

Kiss me.

He moves a tiny bit closer towards me and I feel my heart beat increase even more as I seem to unconsciously lean towards him. My stomach has fallen to the floor, my hands are shaking at my sides and my eyes drop to his mouth, focus on his lips. Both of us lean a fraction closer.

Kiss me. Please.

The phone ringing is what breaks us apart, shattering the tense silence that’s holding us in place, unable to move away from each other, but somehow unable to move that last bit closer together. Both of us turn to the counter.
"I should get that," I say, my words strained, breathless.
"Yeah," he agrees softly, his voice catching.
It keeps ringing and he slowly pulls his fingers from my hair, gently running them down my cheek as he does. A shiver runs down my spine in response and I want to lean into his touch. Luke doesn’t move away, just keeps watching me, a tiny smile on his face and I have to force myself to look away, force myself to walk over and answer the phone. My fingers are still shaking when I pick up the receiver, but whoever was calling is now gone.
∞

I had mixed feelings about Grandma’s funeral. Dad, Seth, Lara, Sam and I travelled together up to Maine to say goodbye to her. We were all upset, my Dad especially, but we were also in some small way, happy or something. Somehow it made it easier knowing she was now with Grandad again, the man who was the love of her life and we could all only smile at that thought. Plus it was a rare occasion I was with my family, with the four people I loved more than anything. I think that car ride up there was the last time I ever got to experience that.
In typical Grandma fashion, she’d taken care of everything. Planned her own funeral right down to the last detail, including the red peonies she wanted for it. The same flowers I would send her year after year.
"So typical of her," Dad said, a smile on his face. "She always did have to make sure everything was how she wanted it."
"Were these her favourites?" Lara asked, smelling the huge bunches of them that had just been delivered.
"I don’t know," Dad said. "I didn’t think she had a favourite."
I wanted to tell them no, they were the reason she was dead in the first place. That they were the flowers I used to send her every year because of my own guilt. But this year when I sent them to her, I’d also caused her death. I don’t know why Dad hadn’t put it all together, he’d seen the flowers that were spilt on the floor when he’d first come up here.
But it was Sam who spoke. It was Sam who said, "Yeah, she loved them." He smiled at me, pulling me into a hug where he whispered only to me, "It’s not your fault babe, you know that."
I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him even closer. I wanted to believe him, I really did. I didn’t say anything though, just smiled when he kissed me on the cheek and pressed against him as he put his mouth to my ear. Kissed his lips when he whispered that he loved me, he would always love me. I finally understood what Grandma had been talking about all those years ago.
∞

I’m locking up the shop late on Friday night, when I notice that Luke is still in the kitchen. I don’t know why I’m surprised, he always says goodbye to me when he leaves now, so I should know he’s still here. When I go in there, I discover he’s pulling out bowls and ingredients and actually looks as though he’s about to start cooking.