I Love You to Death(50)

But now he steps closer and puts an arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. I automatically lean my head against his chest. I feel his chin resting on the top of it as he softly says again, "I’m so sorry Asha, I didn’t realise." His other arm wraps around me, pulling me tighter against him. My arms wrap themselves around his waist and my eyes close when I feel him kiss the top of my head. A part of me feels bad, but I’m not just thinking about them anymore. Those butterflies are all still floating around inside me.
We stand in front of their graves for ages. Luke never asks me to go or says anything more, just stands there with his arms wrapped around me. He feels comforting, safe and warm. Eventually I walk forward and run my hand over the top of each headstone before turning to face him. "Thank you Luke," I say, looking right at him.
"Do you want to go and see Sam?" he asks, looking back at me. I think it’s the first time he’s ever said Sam’s name.
"He’s in Seattle," I answer quietly. "But thanks anyway."
Now Luke steps forward and silently pulls me into a hug. I can feel his strong arms around me again and his hard chest underneath me, but it’s so very different this time. He feels so good, this feels so good and I don’t want him to let me go. My heart is pounding again, and I’m sure Luke can feel it, beating a hard pattern against him.
I wonder what they would think if they could see me standing here with Luke, what they would say if they saw us like this. I’m pretty sure Seth would give me shit for it, just like he always did and the thought makes me smile. They would like Luke though, I know they would. They would like what he’s doing for me right now, how he always seems to know what to do for me.
Eventually I have to say something. "How about we go get a drink?" I suggest, trying to lighten the mood.
Luke pulls back and looks down at me. Both of his hands push the hair back from my face, and he keeps them there, holding it back and cradling my head in his fingers. He looks at me as though he’s trying to read my mind and I feel naked under his stare, like he can see right inside my head and all the crazy things I know are swirling around in there.
That I’m glad I brought him to breakfast.
That I’m glad he brought me here.
That I like the feel of his arms around me.
That I’m still trying really hard not to picture him naked in the shower this morning.
And worst of all, what my brain is finally prepared to admit; that I do really like him.
And the scariest part of all that; that I really want him to like me back. I really want Mia’s words to be true.
He still says nothing.
I smile up at him again. "I think I definitely owe you a drink now," I say, forcing a laugh out. We are too close. These things I’m feeling are all wrong. Standing here in his arms isn’t fair on him. He needs to let me go and I need to stop thinking about him like that. It’s too dangerous.
"Sure," he says eventually, smiling a little even though it doesn’t reach his eyes. He looks like he wants to say something, but I don’t give him a chance. I have to stop all of these thoughts I’m having, so I turn and make my way back to the entrance and Luke silently follows me.
We find a taxi to take us back to Thayer Street this time and then find ourselves a place to get a drink. We end up staying there all afternoon. The mood lightens again, our morning in the cemetery pushed to the back of our minds. By the time night falls we have eaten dinner and drunk quite a few beers, talking about everything except for what happened this morning. I push all of those thoughts from my mind, refuse to let them in. Refuse to think about the possibility, to think about the possibility of me and Luke.
I’m kidding myself if I think I can do that.
Eventually we leave and make our way slowly back down to the train station. I think we’re both a little drunk by now and once again Luke takes my hand in his. Once again I hold my breath and let him. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I just can’t seem to stop myself anymore.
On the train, he keeps holding it, resting our joined hands on his thigh. I don’t dare move. I feel surrounded by heat and Luke and that combined with the alcohol makes me want to sleep. I feel myself drifting off, my head slowly sliding onto Luke’s shoulder. He doesn’t seem to mind as he wraps his arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I don’t want to try and fight this anymore, it’s too hard trying to fight it.
I’m surrounded again by Luke’s warmth and his smell and all I want to do is to stay right here with him. I sleep all the way back to Boston, waking only when he tells me, "We’re back." I wish we could stay on that train all night.
We stumble from the station, Luke still holding my hand as we climb the stairs to the street and make our way back to my apartment. He walks me to the door where we stand facing each other.
"Thank you for breakfast and dinner," he says bringing my hand up to his mouth. I watch him as he presses a soft kiss to my palm and he watches me watching him. Things are definitely changing between us now, I can feel it, see it. It’s something that deep down, I know a part of me wants to happen, but is afraid to allow.
I don’t want to get attached and then lose him, have him ripped away from me. Not again, because it hurts so much when it happens. And I definitely don’t want to create a world without Luke or his music in it. But another selfish part of me is also saying; I don’t want to think of my own world without him in it.
I’m too afraid to try it all again, but I’m too afraid to stop it, to push him away, because I really don’t want to anymore.