I Love You to Death(48)

He comes back into the living room with shoes as I pretend to be flicking through a guitar magazine of all things. I’m really glad Jared isn’t here to see me like this, because I’m sure he would see something else, see what’s really going on with me.
Luke sits next to me on the couch, puts on his shoes and turns to me. "So, where too?"
Oh wow, he smells really good. "I just woke you up, didn’t I?" I ask.
He laughs. "Woke, no, got out of bed, yes. But don’t worry about it Ash."
What the hell am I really doing, I finally ask myself as those butterflies all start up again.
∞

I used to see Angela once every couple of weeks. Most of the time I would go in my lunch break, as her office was only an eight minute walk away. For the first few sessions we would talk about a different death and how I was feeling because of it. I never did tell her the whole truth, the circumstances surrounding each of them. I didn’t want to admit blame to her, I was too afraid to, but for the first time in my life, I was honest about how it all affected me, how they made me feel. I thought she was starting to help, thought I was really starting to understand my own feelings and reactions to it all. Even Sam thought I seemed happier and that made me happy because the last thing I wanted was to push him away, destroy the relationship we had.
"Thank you Sam," I said to him. "Thank you for getting me to do this."
He just smiled and hugged me. "Anything Ash, anything I can do to help."
I loved that he cared that much about me, that he would look after me like that. I couldn’t understand how I’d gotten so lucky with Sam. How Nate had known he was exactly what I needed, that he’d been so right about us. I was so grateful that he did.
I’d been going to see Angela for about eight months when it eventually happened. It hadn’t been my usual lunch time appointment, I’d changed that. Rung and asked if we could switch days, I can’t even remember the reason why anymore. But Angela had just said, "I’m full for the rest of the week, why don’t you come after work today, I’ll stay back and we can talk then?"
That was exactly the kind of person she was, and so that night after work, I went over to her office. We talked and talked and it was really good. When I left her office it was late and both of us were heading in the same direction, so we walked together.
I remember when I said goodbye to her at the train station and walked off, I was smiling. I was finally starting to feel good about things, wondering if maybe I needed to keep seeing her anymore. I was smiling at the idea that I was finally coming to terms with all the death. Finally I felt like I understood my reactions, my feelings to it all.
When we got to the T station, we went our separate ways and as I walked away from the station the last thing I remember is hearing someone yell. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because there were always crazies in the T stations. I would’ve been walking down there with her had I not suggested to Sam we go and grab dinner together before heading home.
I wonder if things would’ve been different if I’d walked down those steps with Angela. Would I have stopped her when she ran for her train? Would I’ve been able to grab her as she fell down the stairs? Would I have been able to stop her from dying? Like I said, I heard a yell, but that was all. I’m just really glad I didn’t hear the crack of her neck, breaking as she fell down the stairs. Selfish of me I know, considering I was the reason she was even there in the first place.
When Angela died, it took me a long time to work out why. I couldn’t understand how a woman I’d barely known could die as a result of me. I’d always thought it only happened to those I loved, the ones who got close to me, those people who really meant something to me. And I was very scared it was now going to start happening to anyone around me.
But in the end I realised what it was. In the end I realised that in fact I did love Angela, but in a different way to what I’d previously known. Yes she was my therapist, but more than that, she was a mentor, a role model, someone who was helping me a great deal, more than I ever expected. And to be honest she was a woman who had everything I didn’t, a woman who was in control of her life, her emotions and her future.
And in the end I realised she was everything I wanted to be.
And that’s what had killed her.
∞

We walk out into the morning. The fresh air is helping. I can no longer smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly showered Luke. The butterflies that seem to permanently live in my stomach now, are slowly starting to calm down.
We keep walking and Luke doesn’t ask me where we’re going. Instead we talk about music, a new album Luke’s bought, which he thinks I might like. There’s a song on there he’d like the band to do a cover of. When we reach the train station, he still doesn’t say anything as we walk down the stairs and I buy us two tickets. When the train arrives he follows me to a seat and slides in beside me. His shoulder is touching mine and I don’t move away. Neither does Luke.
We spend most of the train ride talking about music again. There’s a festival Luke wants to go to. He actually suggests we go together and I don’t even think about, I just smile and say yes. Then about eight minutes from our stop, I turn to him and say, "It’s one of my favourite places for breakfast."
He just nods and says, "Sounds good Ash."
"I’m from Providence," I continue, by way of explanation.
"LA," Luke says. "Although I haven’t been back in nearly eight years."