I Love You to Death(49)

"Yeah I’ve hardly been back either." I say quietly.
Dad used to take me to this place all the time, me and Seth whenever he was around. For some reason though, I never once took Sam there. I don’t know why, maybe because we never lived in Providence together. Although it doesn’t appear that’s reason enough to stop me now and I don’t want to think about what me bringing Luke here might really mean.
I’m staring out the window, watching as we approach the station in silence. I don’t look at Luke, but I do smile when he gently squeezes my hand.
When we walk out of the station, the sun is shining and it’s going to be a beautiful day. I almost expect to see Dad waiting for me, for us. But of course he isn’t, so instead, I turn left and we walk up the hill towards Brown. The place feels at once so familiar and so distant. Nothing much has changed since I left, nothing except for me.
When we reach Thayer Street, I turn right and we walk a little way until I find it. Inside everything is as I remember it. We are seated at a table by the window. I don’t even have to look at the menu to know what I’m having. I always used to have the same thing.
After we order and our coffees arrive, I finally speak to Luke. "So, is your family still out in LA?"
I see a quick grimace cross his face. "Yeah my parents are, but Mia as you know, lives in Chicago."
I briefly wonder if he doesn’t want to talk about it, but I ask anyway. "And you don’t go and visit them?"
His hand runs over his head again. "Nah, I don’t really get on with my parents anymore. I mean we haven’t really spoken in seven or eight years actually. Mia and I are close obviously, but not my parents and me."
I wonder why. I feel like I’m prying by asking, so instead I surprise myself by saying, "Both of my parents are dead, my brother too."
"Oh shit Ash, I’m so sorry," he says immediately, his hand reaching out to take mine as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.
I can’t even remember what I just said to him. I’m aware of nothing but the fact we are now practically holding hands. His are warm and soft, but I can feel callouses on his fingertips as they brush over my knuckles. Soft fingers, worn from playing his guitar.
Finally I take a deep breath and try to speak. "It’s okay Luke, really. I didn’t say it to make you feel bad. More to let you know you aren’t the only one."
His hand is still holding mine and our fingers thread together now as Luke reaches out his other hand and gently plays with the silver ring around my thumb, slowly twisting it. It’s making my heart pound in my chest as though it’s trying to escape and all those butterflies have started up again. I don’t know if it’s him doing this to me or if it’s because we’re holding hands, right here in this restaurant. I’m holding my breath and trying not to move. I don’t want him to notice what he’s doing in case he pulls his hands away.
"Yeah but for me it was a choice," he eventually says. "Which is not the case for you."
No, more like my fault, I think to myself. I smile at him and say nothing more and he continues to hold my hand until our food arrives.
Over breakfast we talk about easier things. Luke is excited about some upcoming shows they have, about the possibility of music industry people coming and seeing them play soon. As always, when he talks about his music, his whole face lights up. It’s easy to see how much he loves it.
When we finish eating, I pay and as we’re walking out the door Luke surprises me by saying, "So, should we go and visit them?"
"Who?" I ask, confused.
"Your family."
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I ever consciously thought about doing that, even knowing what day it is today. I guess some part of me must have though, it’s why I came here in the first place. I think it must be why I had that dream.
"You’d do that?" I ask him quietly.
"Of course," he answers, smiling at me and taking my hand again as we walk out of the restaurant.
The walk takes us over an hour. Luke holds my hand the whole way, his fingers occasionally twisting the ring on my thumb. We don’t talk much, just a random question from Luke about some building or area when we pass by. He’s never been to Providence before and he seems kind of excited at everything he sees. I answer all of his questions, but I’m feeling very nervous about going to the cemetery. I don’t know why, maybe it’s having Luke with me, maybe it’s just because it’s the first time I’ve been back since they all died. I never wanted to come back here again, not after Dad, not after Seth. Not ever. But somehow, here I am anyway.
When we arrive at the gates, Luke drops my hand. I notice instantly, but don’t say anything. We walk in there and I wind my way through to where I know they’re all buried. Three graves, side by side; my mother, my father and my brother.
There isn’t even room for me. I should be the only one lying there.
I stand in front of the three headstones looking down at them. Luke stands beside me, not touching me. Not saying anything. We’re both looking at them, when I hear him.
"Oh Ash," he says softly. "I am so sorry. I’m so very sorry."
I’m not sure what he’s referring too. But he’s obviously seen the dates. He’s now seen that my Dad died exactly three years ago today. Or he’s seen that my Mom died on my birthday. Or he’s seen that Seth died the day after it.  I don’t know which one; maybe he’s seen them all.
I turn and look up at him and find him watching me, his face covered in sadness. "It’s okay, Luke, really."