I Love You to Death(57)

That they would do anything for you, just as you would do anything for them.
That it can destroy you, the idea of losing them.
But wanting them this much, can almost destroy you too.
The exhilarating part? Well, it’s knowing all that and doing it anyway.
Most people would never think these thoughts like I do. Most people believe that nothing can ever go wrong. Because when you love someone and are loved by that person in return, the whole world seems perfect. Every single thing, every single moment, every single day and every single second. All of it seems perfect.
But I know it’s also dangerous, that it can end and it can end so badly because I’ve lived through it before. I know it can happen and it’s there in the back of my mind, all the time, every day.
But right now, I’m doing it anyway.
Because honestly, at this point, I couldn’t walk away, even if I wanted to.
∞

Work is strange without Luke here.
And I realise suddenly that I miss him.
And I really want to see him.
And all I can think about is last night.
Last night, when Luke kissed me.
Last night, when I kissed Luke.
We kissed for such a long time, both of us were wearing the flour on our faces by the end of it. The tension that was in the room only magnified. I remember feeling it surging through me, surging through him. Both of us were shaking. I didn’t know what I wanted or what he wanted, but I know I liked the feel of his arms holding me tight against him, the feel of his lips on mine, his breath in my mouth.
I think I wanted more of it.
Afterwards, we tried to go back to cooking, but I don’t think either of us was very successful. We didn’t talk much, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was just a blur of accidental touches, stolen glances and secret smiles, all of which kept my pulse racing. Sometime later he walked me home, our arms occasionally touching as we walked side by side. Every time my skin made contact with his, my whole body felt like a burst of fire shot through my veins. It made it hard to breathe and eventually I just grabbed his hand with mine, wrapping my other hand around his bicep and pulling him close to me. I wanted to maintain the contact, wanted to maintain that feeling. When I did though, he stopped walking and dragged me into a doorway to kiss me again. I remember he pulled me tight against him as he lent back against the door, his arms wrapping around me, my arms wrapping around him. I remember he kissed me again and again, urgently, his soft moans making me not just breathless, but hungry, wanting.
Finally we walked on, this time holding hands. Still neither of us said anything. Occasionally Luke would bring our joined hands to his lips to kiss mine and every time he did, it felt like my heart was going to stop. I glanced up at him and when our eyes met, there was so much intensity in his that I felt glued to the sidewalk. When we got to my apartment, we stood at my front door staring at each other. I wanted to ask him in. I opened my mouth, "Do you –"
I watched as he stepped towards me, his hand sliding into my hair to the back of my neck, pulling me gently towards him. Smiling he bent down, his eyes watching me as he kissed me again. Soft and slow this time, his other arm sliding around my waist and under my shirt, his fingers pressing into my skin as he pulled me even closer. We both closed our eyes. I groaned. My legs felt like they could barely hold me up, as though my whole body had turned to liquid. And he tasted so good. I don’t know how long we stood at my door kissing, it felt like hours. Come inside I wanted to say to him.
Eventually he pulled back. "Good night Asha," he said softly. I watched as his hand brushed my cheek and he lent down to whisper in my ear, "Sweet dreams beautiful girl." He pressed a kiss to the corner of my jaw and a shiver ran through me, from the very spot he touched his lips, all the way down to my toes, as they curled inside my shoes. As he pulled his hand from my back, his fingers slowly trailed over my bare skin. Every bit of skin he touched was on fire, tiny hairs all standing on end as though reaching for him too.
I felt like I was going to explode.
He waited until I went inside. Waited until I closed the door and he disappeared from sight. I wondered if he heard me sag against it on the other side. My whole body was trembling and all I could think was; open the door and ask him to come in.
But I didn’t and eventually I moved and stood at the window and watched him walk away. He turned back once and I thought I saw him smile. I went to bed thinking of him, but sleep didn’t come for a long time, my body too tightly wound to relax. All I could think of was Luke, of Luke kissing me again and again. I put on his CD and let his voice pull me into sleep.
Today my lips are still tingling. I run my fingers over them, trying to remember the feeling.
And I know I want to kiss him again.
∞

The day drags on. Their show doesn’t start until ten but it seems like the clock actually stands still as I wait for it to arrive. The day feels endless. After work, I go home to get ready. This time I pay attention to what I wear, pulling on my favourite jeans and a tight black top. Black wedges instead of my usual boots. I make an effort with the make-up I put on, with my hair. I want him to notice me. I get to the bar early, hoping to see him, but none of them are around, so I wait at the back, alone. I can feel my heart pounding, my pulse racing. I feel alive tonight, really alive and I know exactly why.
Luke.
When they finally come on, they are amazing. Something is different with them tonight and I wonder again why this show is so special. They play for nearly two hours and they are intoxicating. I watch him for all of it.
I watch his eyes as they find me in the crowd.