I Love You to Death(41)

Pete smiles at me and says, "Hey, nice to see you again."
I can’t remember him at all but I smile back, raise my drink at him and say, "Nice to see you too, thanks for the beer."
Pete smiles again, says something to Luke that I can’t hear and then gesturing with the remaining beers, walks over to where Jared, Ben and Steve are chatting to a couple of girls who have wandered past. I turn and watch them and see Steve’s face light up when he notices Pete walking over. I watch as Pete leans in and kisses him as he hands him a beer, before draping his arm around Steve’s shoulders. I watch as Steve smiles and almost imperceptibly tilts his body into Pete’s in response. I watch as both Jared and Ben say hi to Pete and take their beers before turning back to the girls. I smile and turn back, realising I’m standing alone with Luke again. I glance up at him and see he’s smiling too, watching them and watching me. He gently squeezes my shoulder then slowly takes his hand away, his fingers brushing the skin of my neck again as he does. My stomach clenches as I realise I wanted him to leave his hand there.
Everything is very different, but suddenly whatever it was about tonight that felt strange; doesn’t anymore. Suddenly, something feels very right, very normal and all so strangely natural in fact. To be here with his friends like this. Included with them on a night out, that just feels like a completely regular night. For me to be standing here, with Luke’s body gently pressing against mine in a room full of people who are completely unaware of this contact between us. For him to lean down and whisper words in my ear that no one else can hear. For me to be feeling this way about it all and no one else even notice it.
I close my eyes and listen. Hear the words and the music. Try to find out what it is about this song that Luke likes. The melody is haunting. The lyrics are incredibly moving. It’s a song about love and loss and recovery and it’s heart wrenching and full of emotion. It kind of makes me want to cry. When it finishes, and the next song starts, I open my eyes and find Luke watching me again.
Waiting.
I look right at him, press up on my toes and put my mouth to his ear. His hand moves now and rests lightly against the small of my back as though he’s holding me there, close to him.
"I like it," I finally say, my voice almost a whisper.
When I pull back, he’s looking right at me, his eyes watching mine as he nods his head a little, like he understands what I’ve just done. I feel like he can see right inside of me and I wonder what he’s thinking, what he sees when he looks at me like that.
I also wonder exactly what it is that’s going on between us right now, because everything really does feel different tonight.
∞

We ended up staying in Maine longer than usual this time. We had to because Grandad’s funeral wasn’t until the following weekend. I can remember Dad hugging me so tightly after they’d taken Grandad away, squeezing me and asking, "Are you alright Asha, are you alright?"
I pulled back to look at him, saw the tears falling down his face and all I could say was, "Are you okay Daddy?" as my fingers tried to brush them away.
He smiled sadly at me then and pulled me into another hug. Seth was standing close by, tears streaming down his face too and I remember thinking it was the first time I’d ever seen both my Dad and my brother crying. I wasn’t and I don’t know why my tears wouldn’t come. I was sad, I was heartbroken, but nothing would come out. Seth walked over and put his arms around us and I heard my Dad whisper, "I’m proud of you Seth, really proud of you, of both of you."
I had no idea how he could be proud of me, I’d done nothing but run. It was Seth who went to him, Seth who tried to help. All I’d done is run. All I’d done was ask Grandad to come in the first place, even when I didn’t have to.
At the funeral, Grandma stood with her arms around me the whole time, just like she had when we watched them take Grandad away. I don’t know why, but the one thing I remember, is her holding me tightly and me looking up and seeing the tears stream down her face too. I glanced over and saw tears on Dad’s face, tears on my brother’s face. Still there were no tears on mine. I desperately wanted to cry, wanted to prove that I was sad too. I didn’t know if something was wrong with me or that people would think I wasn’t sad that Grandad had died. But no matter how hard I tried, the tears wouldn’t fall.
It wasn’t until the morning after the funeral, when I woke early again and bounded down the stairs and discovered Grandad’s jacket on the hook hanging next to mine, our boots lined up side by side at the door, both of our sleds propped up against the porch, but no Grandad. It wasn’t until I saw all of this and finally realised he wasn’t ever going to be up waiting for me again that I was finally able to let go and cry.
When I finally understood Grandad was never coming back, then the tears started to fall. And for a long time it seemed like they would never stop.
∞

A week after seeing his friend’s band, I’m at work when a woman, probably around my age, comes in to ask for Luke.
I have no idea who she is but she’s very pretty. Taller than me and really well dressed in designer jeans and a fitted white shirt. Without meaning to, I already dislike her. I go and get Luke. When he comes out, I watch as his face lights up when this woman yells, "Surprise!" to him. He immediately pulls her into his arms, picking her up as she wraps her arms around him too. I’m positively seething now, even though I have no excuse to be feeling this way and no idea why I do.
I’m still staring at them when Luke puts her down and turns to me, his arm draped across her shoulders. "Ash, meet my baby sister, Mia."