I Love You to Death(36)

Seth and Lara never should have been on the road. They never should have been here at all. They should’ve been in San Diego with their friends instead of babysitting a little sister who was afraid of having a birthday without her brother.
My brother was dead. Lara was dead. They were dead because they’d come to visit me, because I’d begged them to stay and they did. They were dead because I couldn’t bear to be alone on my birthday, and now I am anyway.
∞

I wake up late, my sleep surprisingly free of nightmares once again. I’m grateful for that, so glad Luke didn’t have to listen to or witness me sleep through it all again. Outside the snow has stopped falling and the sun is shining. The brightness of all that white looks amazing, almost like the whole world has been wiped clean. A fresh start to a new year.
I go out to the living room and see that Luke has already gone. The blankets are folded and stacked at the end of the couch and I feel a tiny shred of what I think is disappointment at the fact he’s no longer here.
I walk into the kitchen and instantly know he’s brewed coffee before he left though. The smell is amazing and I wonder if he’s gone out and bought it. I don’t think I own anything that could smell that good. He must have, because sitting beside the coffee pot is a bag of chocolate croissants. I smile as I dig one out and pour myself some coffee.
Standing there at the window, watching the whitened street outside, eating my croissant and drinking my coffee, I smile again. Hanging from the window frame is a collection of guitar picks, strung together in some kind of mini mobile. Most of them are clear plastic in a variety of colours and as they dance around in the window, the sun shines through them, dispersing the light around the room.
Everywhere, tiny patches of coloured light dance all around me and it looks incredibly beautiful.
I’m still smiling when I realise in the end, yesterday didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would. Deep down, a part of me hopes, wishes even, that maybe this really could be a new year after all.

A couple of weeks after my birthday, I once again find something in my locker. Of course I know who it’s from, what I don’t know is why he keeps doing this. This time it’s movie tickets. An Underworld movie marathon is showing tonight. Vampire movies, he knows I love vampire movies. I make his coffee without asking and take it out to the kitchen for him.
"What’s this?" I ask, holding the tickets up.
He turns to me and half smiles. "Um, movie tickets," he says carefully, as though I’m suggesting they’re something more.
"What for?" I ask him. I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t know why he’s bought these for me, why he keeps being so nice to me.
"For you Ash," he says simply. "I know you like the series, so I thought you might want to go. They’re all yours. Call it a belated birthday present?"
That’s all. No request to go out, nothing, just a gift from him to me. Again. I exhale. What am I doing, I ask myself.
"Ok, well thanks," I say. I turn to walk out, but suddenly stop. What I am doing is being rude. I’m being very rude to the one person who has been nothing but nice to me. So I turn around, walk back over and leave one of the tickets beside Luke’s coffee. This is as close as I can get to asking if he wants to come with me. If he doesn’t, it won’t matter because I don’t have anyone else to ask. Without saying anything, I look up at him, even though I know he’s watched me the whole time. He smiles at me and I nervously smile back. Neither of us says anything to each other.
Later that night, I’m leaving my apartment to head over to the movies when I see Luke waiting outside for me. I stop. He hasn’t noticed me yet so I stand there for just a second and watch him. Watch as he leans against the brick fence surrounding my building and watches the people passing him by. He’s bundled inside a thick jacket and although it’s cold out, he looks so relaxed, so calm, so sure, like he isn’t worried about anything. It’s a rare opportunity for me to stare at him instead of the other way around. But almost as soon as I’ve thought it, he turns and sees me.
"Hey," he says smiling at me. "Ready to go?"
I didn’t expect him to come to my house first. Didn’t expect him to come at all. I smile back at him as I answer, "Sure, let’s go."
We walk in silence to the cinema. It’s one of those older ones that occasionally screen movie marathons to try and get people to come back. It doesn’t have the best screen, but it does serve popcorn with real butter melted on it. Not the crap they serve in those mega complexes.
When we get inside I turn to Luke. "Something to eat, drink?" I ask.
He looks at me like he’s about to say something, but before he can I tell him, "I’m getting it, you bought the tickets." I don’t want this to be like a date.
He holds up his hands, smiling. "Ok thanks, coke and popcorn would be great."
I smile back at him and go and buy our stuff.
Inside the cinema we are two of only a handful of people. Luke automatically walks to the row of seating behind the wall they have to divide the front and back sections. My favourite spot.
"Ok?" He asks.
"Perfect," I say back.
We both take our jackets off and sit down, we both put our feet up and we both avoid the arm rest that sits between us. I don’t take it and neither does he.
Half way through the first movie though, we somehow both move our arm at the same time. Both of us are now resting on the arm rest between us. Both of us are pretending to ignore the fact that our arms are side by side and touching. Even though I know he’s twice held me in his arms while I cried all over him, this feels very different. We’ve both done this and we are both choosing to keep our arms there. Touching. I spend the rest of the movie half watching it and half feeling the heat along the side of my arm. Waiting for Luke to move, wondering if I should. In the end, neither of us does until the movies finish.