I Love You to Death(20)

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
When I get home I’m restless, agitated. I’m listening to music and I’m drinking beer, definitely a dangerous combination. I want to go out, but I know it’s a bad idea. I try to tell myself that we are not friends, we’re only work colleagues and what harm can come from me going? But I know I’m kidding myself. I know these mind games I play in my head are all bullshit too. Luke and I are not just work colleagues. We are not quite friends yet either, but there is definitely something there. I just don’t know if I can define exactly what that is.
All I know is that I’m scared. Scared of him, of being around him and very scared of what could happen if I keep doing this.
∞

When I arrived in Boston that first time to see Sam, I was really nervous. Nervous about what it meant, about seeing him again after that night we’d spent together and unsure about what exactly was going on between us now. I remember my heart was racing as I knocked on the door to his place, a little after four in the afternoon.
Someone who was definitely not Sam answered it.
"Can I help you?" this guy said.
"Ah yeah, I’m after Sam?" I replied nervously.
He nodded as if expecting me. "You’re Ash right? Yeah Sam should be on his way home from school, come on in."
This made me feel a little better. At least this person knew who I was and I was expected.
The apartment was pretty small and fairly crowded. It was obvious guys lived there too; it wasn’t the neatest of places.
"I’m Simon," the guy said to me. "Can I get you a drink?"
"Ash" I replied, although he already knew that. "And yeah thanks, that’d be great."
He came back with a couple of beers and handed one to me. Technically I wasn’t old enough to be drinking, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. I took it gratefully and drank a big mouthful.
About four seconds later the door opened and Sam walked in. I nervously turned to look at him and when I saw the look on his face, all of my fears disappeared.
"Hey Ash, you made it," he said, a huge smile on his face as he dumped his bag, came over and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug. My body melted against his and I was reminded of the day we spent wrapped in each other’s arms on my bed before he’d come back to Boston.
"I did, thanks for the invite," I said against his shoulder.
He pulled back to look at me, pressing a kiss to my lips. "It’s really good to see you again," he whispered, before kissing me some more.
I half heard Simon groan and walk out of the room. I didn’t really care. I was just happy to be here with Sam. Relieved that he was so happy to see me and very happy about the kiss he was currently giving me. I wasn’t nervous at all anymore.
∞

In the end I go.
As I arrive at the club all I can hear is a god awful noise that appears to be some off-key combination of guitar, drums and vocals that’s being labelled as music. There’s nothing musical about it. I really hope this isn’t Luke’s band, because I surely can’t sit through this crap let alone pretend it’s actually any good. I take a chance and go in and it’s a relief to discover it’s not him.
The club is almost full, which surprises me given the band that’s currently on stage. It’s also quite dark inside, which is good, the only lights being over the stage area, which spans almost the entire back wall. I head in the opposite direction and order myself a beer, sitting at the end of the bar, trying to remain hidden. Maybe if he doesn’t know it won’t count.
The awful band finally finishes and it looks like I’m not the only one who’s grateful. I see Luke and the others come out and start setting up on stage so I know he must be on next. I take a swig of my beer and sink further into the shadows. Infinity comes on stage. They plug in their instruments. Luke steps up to the microphone and says a few words to the audience and then they launch into their music and quite suddenly, I’m completely blown away.
It turns out they are really, really good.
And Luke….wow, Luke is amazing. So very different to what I expected. I didn’t even realise he’d be the lead singer, I just assumed he played guitar. I notice Jared beside him, also playing guitar and the guy who gave me the drink on drums. The bass player I vaguely remember, but I can’t think what his name is.
I turn back to Luke and watch him on stage and I find myself kind of mesmerised by him. He plays with passion, conviction and skill. His body moulds to his guitar as if he knows it intimately, like it’s a part of him. It makes my stomach churn just to watch him. I close my eyes and listen. His voice is unbelievable - scratchy, raw and it sounds very, very sexy. It stirs a weird reaction deep inside of me. I open my eyes again and keep watching him. He pretty much commands that you both look and listen to him and I’m surprised to find, I can’t turn away now.
I’m shocked. Amazed. And something very strange is happening to me, a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time. My skin is tingling. My body feels alive. My heart is pounding, keeping time to the beat, speeding up when they reach a chorus and slowing down for the melody. Their music is intoxicating and his voice is beautiful. They do a cover of Dakota that is truly amazing and the most unique version of that song I’ve ever heard. It’s dedicated to just someone.
I watch them play for over an hour but as soon as they finish, I have to leave. I don’t want to risk staying. I almost feel like I shouldn’t have come in the first place and I’m far too nervous to stay now. I’m too scared to see him when I’m feeling like this.