I Love You to Death(17)

Eventually I pull back from Luke’s embrace, taking my hands from my face and turning my head away from him. I see leaning against the wall are three guitars; electric and acoustic.
"Do you play?" I ask, wiping the last of my tears as I turn back to him.
"Yeah," he says turning to look at his guitars.
I look up at him. "Are you any good?"
He laughs softly and turns back to face me. "I don’t know. Why don’t you come watch us play one night and then you can let me know," he says, his fingers reaching out to wipe a tear from my cheek. I let him. His thumb is soft against my skin.
"You’re in a band?" I ask, surprised. He’s never mentioned this in his emails.
"Yeah," he answers the tiniest amount of pride lighting up his face. "We actually have a gig next Saturday night, you should come along, see what you think, tell me if we’re actually any good."
I think this would be a very bad idea. I also think I really want to go and see him play, because I really love live music. Love nothing better than losing myself in a crowded room or stadium, anywhere that’s full of people who are all feeling the same thing. Who are all affected by the music that’s being played. There is nothing like it, the energy that surges through the room, the emotion that’s felt as a note is played or a word is sung. I love it. And it’s one of the few things I can do alone and still enjoy.
"You never told me you were in a band?"
Luke looks at me, half grinning, possibly half embarrassed. "Yeah, I think maybe I was kinda working up to it, you know. Waiting until we had a show sometime that you could come and see?" He seems a little nervous now.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I realise though, standing here looking at Luke, that he’s the nicest anyone has been to me since Sam died. That he is the first person to just be normal with me, to talk to me as though I’m normal, even if I’m clearly anything but. And he’s the first person who has touched me, comforted me. That it has been months and months since someone has held me at all. And right now, all I am is surprised that it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. And there is some part of me that’s strangely grateful for all this.
I shouldn’t go though. It’s not fair on him. It’s not safe for him to be around me.
"Ash?" he asks quietly. "Will you come along?"
I look back at him. He’s watching me, concern in his eyes, worry on his face. If only he knew.
What happened out there?" I suddenly ask, nodding towards the door. "With Liam?" For some reason, this matters to me now and I want to know.
I watch as his face changes slightly, as he thinks about my question, maybe trying to decide how to answer it.
"Luke?" I ask again.
He smiles at me now, but it’s only half a smile, like he doesn’t really mean it.
"Why did you come in?" I ask, trying to get him to answer me. I wonder if he knows what I’m talking about, but he must because he eventually says, "It just didn’t seem like you were comfortable in there with him. I don’t know, maybe I was overreacting, but it just didn’t feel right." His voice is a whisper now.
"Why?" I ask.
He takes a deep breath as he runs his hand over his closely shaven head, his eyes looking away from me.
I’m surprised at the sudden and unexpected thought that pops into my head. To wonder what that would feel like, what it would feel like to run my hand over his hair. I clench my hands by my side, digging my nails into my palm and stopping the temptation. "Luke?" I ask again when he remains silent.
Finally he looks back at me, takes a deep breath and answers. "Because of the things he said and did to you Ash, what he was trying to do. It’s not right, it wasn’t right." He looks away from me now, like he doesn’t want me to see whatever it is he’s thinking.
What. Why?
I want to ask why that matters to him, but I’m too afraid to. We are both silent and I know he’s waiting for me to ask what really happened, why what Liam said and did matters to him. But I can’t bring myself to ask the questions. I’m not sure I want to know the answers. This weirdness between us, it’s happening again and it’s making me uncomfortable. That he would stick up for me or that he would even care at all. I should go. It’s really not a good idea for me to stay here now.
I want to go. I want to stay. I can’t decide what to do.
I look away from him as I whisper, "Thank you." I don’t know what I’m saying it for, or even if he hears me. But when I try to go, my feet won’t move. I feel locked to the floor. I’m standing here and I’m suddenly unable to move. Luke is looking at me now, right at me and I don’t know what is happening.
Finally Luke says, "Do you want to go Ash?" At the same time I say, "I should go."
I’m talking about now, at least I think I am. I don’t know if he’s talking about now or next weekend. I want to go now but I want to go next weekend too. I don’t know what I want anymore, but I know I need to get out of here. Luke touches a finger to my cheek again. I didn’t notice him step closer. I look up at him and all I see is sadness and sorrow on his face, and I don’t know if I’m the reason for that too. Still I can’t say anything.
"Ash?"
"Let’s get another drink," I finally blurt out. A compromise for tonight, without the commitment for next weekend.
Luke’s fingers move and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. He looks surprised as if he didn’t plan on doing it and we are both just standing here watching each other now, unsure about exactly what’s happening. The whole room is filled with a tense silence that I didn’t expect and neither of us seems able to break. I feel like I’m being pulled in every possible direction by some unknown force, and the strongest one is pulling me towards Luke. I don’t know where this feeling is coming from, or why I’m having it, but it doesn’t feel right. None of this feels right, none of this should be happening.