I Love You to Death(21)

On my way back home I grab a burger to eat. I pick up some more beer from the store and I slowly walk back to my apartment. Once inside, I eat my dinner and drink another beer. I take a shower and wash the smoke off me. I take my time, stalling as I stand under the hot water, remembering the night. The lingering memory of his music and the feeling I had sitting there listening to it, watching him create it. When I finally get out and get dressed, I go to my computer, my hair wrapped in a towel and look for what I know will be there. An email, just as I expected, is sitting there in my inbox.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: And…?


There’s nothing else, no message, just that one word in the subject line and I have to stop for a second, unsure about whether I should answer. He obviously knows I was there, despite the fact I stayed at the back of the room. I should write back. It’s the right thing to do. Right?


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: And…?
That band before you really sucked.


I don’t know why I do this, but I’m playing with him. I want to tease him a little. I want to drag it out, make him want it. Do something to him like he just did to me. I hit send.
He writes back immediately.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE: And…?
But…..are you going to make me beg?
Do you want more cupcakes? I’ll bring you some right now?


I smile. I can’t help it.
I wait a minute longer not really sure why I’m doing this.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE: And…?
Really, really good Luke – I never knew you could sing as well?!
Your band, your music, your voice, it’s all amazing.
FYI the cupcake was too. Thank u.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: And…?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for coming.…next time, stick around after we finish.
Hang out with us some more.
Cupcakes are yours anytime you want them.
I hope you liked your song.


Oh, the dedicated song. He remembered. Shit, he really remembered.
I can’t help it, I smile again and at the same time, feel something in my chest tighten at his words.
That he could want a next time. That he gave me a song.
Again, that strange feeling inside me as I realise what I’m actually smiling about is the possibility of a next time and another song. I’m smiling because of this possibility and I don’t want to think about how wrong it is. My heart’s pounding in my chest right now. It’s beating as if I’m excited or happy or turned on. I don’t know which of these feelings applies, but just for a moment I want to forget about all of the bad stuff, about all of the fear and all of the pain and just allow myself to feel it.
To hear my heart tell my body what it’s feeling and what it wants.
We keep chatting for a while about the night, about the shitty band on before him and about the music he wants to write and the ideas he has. He knows a lot about music and performing and even writing, I mean he really knows music. It reminds me so much of Selena and all the times she used to talk to me about it, I can imagine the two of them would’ve never stopped talking had they met in another lifetime. And now I know about his band, now that I’ve seen them and told him how good they are, it’s like a floodgate has been opened. He has so many ideas, so many plans. He sends me words he has written, links to songs he likes. I can see that music is his real passion and I know that his band has potential to do great things. I hope it works out for him.
By the time we both crash, I’m surprised to see it’s now 4am and I have over forty emails in my inbox.
I’m also still smiling. My heart’s still racing and for the first time in so many months I feel different, lighter even. I want to saviour this feeling.
Because I know what this feeling is now.
Tonight as I lie in bed, trying to fall asleep, his music enters my dreams. It’s all I hear at first and it replaces my usual nightmare for a while. It feels like a small breath of fresh air after months of barely being able to breathe.
When I wake up the next morning however, the nightmare has come back. The same strangled cry pulls me from my sleep and I have to force the images away, try to forget that awful picture that sears itself into my brain every single night and instead remember the previous evening. The band, their music and especially Luke’s voice. It makes me smile and although my heart is pounding from the nightmare, I feel it change slightly when I think about last night. When I remember how I felt watching him, listening to him. I wish I could let him know how it made me feel.
I wish I could let him know how much it affected me.
I wish I could let him know that he made me happy, if just for one night.
∞

Selena was a bit like me in that she was also pretty shy. It wasn’t the only thing we had in common, but I guess like Grace and me, it’s what made it that much easier for us to relate to each other. It also meant that Selena had trouble getting herself a boyfriend, because she just didn’t put herself out there. Even my Dad tried to fix her up a few times and that’s saying something from the man who only had a handful of girlfriends after he lost his wife.
I can remember the day I decided we needed to be proactive about it all. "Let’s put your profile on one of those websites?" I suggested.