I Love You to Death(23)

I was secretly glad about that as I wasn’t quite prepared to share her that much yet either. Mystery guy number three, was in a word, weird. In keeping with his number, he was looking for women to take part in threesomes. He promised discretion and enjoyment with himself and another woman, and asked whether Selena was interested. One look from her and I laughed and hit delete again.
Then came mystery guy number four. He seemed half decent, at least on paper, a good catch in fact. Early thirties, been out of a long-term relationship four years now, no kids, stable job in Boston and was looking for like-minded woman to have some fun with.
"What do you think?" I asked her.
Selena was biting her thumb nail, something she always did when she was nervous. "Ok, I’m being totally shallow here, but what does he look like?"
I logged on to her account and had a look. Not bad, not bad at all actually. Turning to her and smiling, I asked, "Well?"
"Why the hell is he single?" she asked me. "If he’s that good, why’s he single?"
I laughed then, reaching to pull her thumb from her mouth. "The same could be said for you Selena. What do you think, give him a go?"
I was holding her hands in mine, stopping her from chewing them again. She was twitching in her chair and I knew she was nervous. "Come on, it’ll be fun," I said. "Meet him in a public place, don’t bring him home with you and just see what happens?"
She was still looking unsure so I said, "Do you want me to come with you?" Knowing it would provoke a reaction from her.
"NO!" she yelled. "Geez, could I look any more like a child bringing a chaperone on a first date?"
I was definitely laughing now. "Ok, come on, let’s organise a date for next weekend. I’ll come up and worst case, it sucks, you leave and we hang out for the night. One try, what do you say?"
Eventually she agreed.
They went out the very next weekend. She came home that night as promised, but the date was good. Selena was happy. "Thanks Ash," she said. "You were right, I needed that." They’d arranged to meet up again and I was very glad she’d agreed to it all.
Four weeks later that all changed.
Four weeks later this guy, Kyle he was calling himself, showed his true colours. No one really understands what happened. Selena had said he was fantastic, that everything was going well. She thought maybe things might be getting serious. I wasn’t coming up on weekends all the time now, just so she could enjoy being with him. I hadn’t met him yet, but from everything she’d told me, I thought he seemed great, really great.
But then Selena wasn’t seen for four days straight. I remember calling her during that time and not getting an answer, either at home or on her cell. I was trying to organise my next visit, figured she was out with Kyle, having a good time.
I was really happy for her.
Unfortunately Selena was lying dead in her apartment. Forty-four stab wounds to her body. A fatal one through her heart which ended her life. For four days she had lain there. Four days until her neighbour noticed and called the super.
Turns out, Kyle was wanted in several other states. He’d done this before. Seemed to enjoy pretending to be this fantastic guy who lured his victims in through these matchmaking websites. Would often spend months convincing them he was the one and when they finally succumbed, he brutally murdered them like it was some kind of game. Selena was his fourth victim. That they knew of anyway.
Of course she never would have known him if it wasn’t for me pushing her to try the online dating thing in the first place. Pushing her to go out with him.
Convincing her to just give him a go.
∞

When I get home tonight I listen to the CD Luke gave me. He’s right, it’s very basic, very rough, but still, it’s all there. You can hear his voice, hear their music, and feel their passion. I turn it up loud and sit in the middle of my living room floor with a beer and just listen to them. It’s not the same as the club, but when I close my eyes, for a second I can almost pretend I’m there, almost.
All of the songs are theirs and I wonder who writes them. Who comes up with these words and all the sounds that go with them. I wonder how long he’s been playing guitar and singing, because he’s really, really good at it. Listening to it makes me want to see them live. I really want to watch Luke create this in front of me again.
I leave his CD on repeat when I go to bed and for the first time since Sam died, I’m able to fall asleep without fear. For the first time since Sam died, I don’t have any nightmares at all. For the first time since Sam died, I sleep all the way through the night, waking up the next morning to the sunlight streaming through my window and the sound of Luke’s voice echoing through my apartment. It feels amazing to finally sleep a full night in complete peace and without fear. It’s even more amazing to wake up to the sound of his voice and their music. I lie in bed for a while, just listening as I watch the sunlight dance across my bedroom ceiling. There are no sounds except for Luke and his music and I feel like I could lie here all day listening to it.
I feel strangely happy again and wonder what I have to do to hang on to this feeling.




Quintessence, the elusive fifth element that is tuned perfection in music and total destruction in nature
∞

Playlist:
1. Hurricane – 30 Seconds to Mars
2. White blank page – Mumford & Sons
3. Poison & wine – The Civil Wars
∞

Anger and fear can turn you into a different person. They mask what you’re really feeling, and they allow you to destroy something that doesn’t deserve it, something that should be cared for and protected. But being exposed, forces you to raise your defences and in doing so, you quite often lash out at the very thing you should actually be embracing.