I Love You to Death(27)

I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore.
∞

Somehow, Dad had managed to get himself lost trying to drive home from Boston. It should have been straight forward, just head for the I-95 south and keep going. It takes you all the way back to Providence. Only my Dad was crap with directions and refused to use a GPS. He’d tried calling me that night when he’d evidently ended up somewhere else, but I was at the party and didn’t hear my phone.
Of course, I was also the one who’d asked, in fact begged him to drive up to see us. So of course it was completely my fault he was even driving at all.
Sam and I had been living in our apartment for a while by then, but I hadn’t really been back to Providence. I hadn’t taken much stuff with me when I first left, because I didn’t think I would just leave and never go back. But when we got our own place, I decided I should probably get the rest of my stuff. Really make this place my home.
So I finally asked Dad to drive up to see us, packing the car with the last of my things.
He only came up for the day. He got there mid-morning and after we unpacked the car and tried to find some space for everything, Dad said to me, "Ok kiddo, now you’ve officially moved out, how about I buy you some lunch? That way I know you’re going to get one decent meal this week."
I laughed and joked, "What you think I can’t cook?"
Dad just laughed and said "No, I know you can’t Ash, grilled cheese is not a proper meal you know."
"Come on, you know it is Dad," I said smiling at him.
Dad faked a look of surprise, as though his previous statement had been wrong, before pulling me into a hug. "I’m gonna miss you kiddo, you know that right?"
"I already miss you Dad, really."
He kissed the top of my head and said, "Come on then, let’s go eat."
So we went out, finding a place and having a great afternoon together. Sam didn’t come that day, instead letting me have some time alone with Dad. We didn’t do anything exciting, just hung out for the afternoon, and spent most of it wandering the streets of Boston.
"Next time, we should try and get tickets to a game," Dad said as we walked past Fenway Park.
"Definitely," I said. "Sam’s mad on the Red Sox, even though he comes from Seattle. I’m sure he can sort something out."
"Sounds good Ash," Dad said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him.
"I’ll get him to look into it," I replied, putting my arm around Dad’s waist.
We walked along in silence for a while until eventually Dad said, "So you’re pretty serious about this guy then huh?"
I looked up at him, smiling as I said, "Yeah I am Dad, I really am."
Dad kissed the top of my head again. "It’s good to see you so happy Ash and as long as he’s taking good care of you, then I’m happy. Because if he doesn’t, he’ll have me to deal with!" he replied.
I laughed, squeezing my arm tighter around him as I said, "He does Dad. Sam really does take good care of me."
We continued walking until the realisation of actually having left home and moved out, finally struck me. Faced with a sudden fear, I turned to Dad and said, "Promise you’ll come up right? I mean, promise you’ll visit regularly? Just because I left home, doesn’t mean I never want to see you Dad."
I was incredibly close to my Dad, always had been and leaving home to be with Sam had been difficult for only that reason. Plus by then Seth was long gone and I worried about my Dad being at home alone.
Pressing a kiss to my temple, Dad simply said, "Anytime you want me to Ash, anytime at all kiddo."
I wish I’d known this trip would be the last time ever.
Around five that night Dad decided he’d head home. We were going to this party and he didn’t want to get in our way. So we made plans for him to come up again, I wrote down the directions for him, told him to call me if he got lost and we went our separate ways.
Somehow he missed the turn-off onto the I-95.
He ended up in Dorchester and when he stopped to ask for directions, instead got car jacked.
They had a baseball bat apparently.
They took his car, his wallet, his phone and watch.
Defensive bruises indicated my Dad had fought back. I would have expected him to, but you can’t compete with a baseball bat. You can’t compete with aggressive violence or a drug-f*cked gang of kids who have nothing to lose. Nobody even tried to stop them apparently, nobody did anything.
They left him lying there on the side of the road. Slowly bleeding to death from the bashing he’d received. I don’t know who called the police in the end, maybe they just drove by and found him, but in that neighbourhood nobody had even tried to stop it.
But it was me who’d begged him to drive to Boston. It was me who’d let him drive home that night. I’d written the directions for him. I’d missed his call when he got lost.
I’d killed him.
Seth came home for the funeral, so did his fiancée Lara. They arranged everything. It was the first time I’d been back to Providence in ages. I remember lying on Dad’s bed, looking at all of his things; the photo of him and Mom beside his bed, a pile of his clothes which were still on the floor, waiting to be washed. A picture of Dad, me and Seth by the window. I remember lying there looking at all of these things and wishing I’d never asked him to come to Boston to see me. Wishing I could’ve just come back to get my own stuff like a grown up. There was even a part of me wishing I’d never left at all.
"Ash smash, you need to get up," Seth said quietly as he walked into Dad’s room.