Fighting Redemption(31)

As dusk settled in a riot of pink and orange, Ryan pulled the black, vintage mustang he’d collected from storage into the driveway. As the car idled powerfully, his eyes, raw and aching, fell on the cottage. In the time he’d been gone, the pretty little cottage remained the same, which felt wrong because everything had changed. Jake was gone. Despite knowing the danger of their job, Ryan had always felt if either of them was to die, it would be him. It should’ve been him. For three months the guilt had eaten him alive from the inside out.

Ryan had barely been holding himself together, and facing Fin? He hadn’t been sure he could, but three months of avoiding her like a goddamn coward was enough. If he had to look her in the eye and see the heavy weight of accusation, then he should be man enough to take it.

Pulling his key from the ignition, he opened the door wide and climbed out. Cars drove down the pretty, tree lined street behind him. People were going about their lives—somehow not knowing that someone so remarkable, and so utterly selfless, didn’t walk the earth anymore. How could they not see?

Forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other, he walked up the front path to her door. Before he could change his mind, he knocked sharply, and after a pause, turned to stare blindly at the street, an envelope clenched in his fist as he waited.



“Take this, Kendall.”

Frowning, Ryan grabbed at the envelope from Jake before it dropped to the floor. “What is it?”

“It’s for Fin. You know, in case …” his voice trailed off. “Anyway, we better get to this briefing.”

“Tanner, wait!” Ryan called out with Jake halfway out the door. Jake paused and Ryan scrambled around in the drawer beside his bunk. He pulled out his own envelope and held it out. Jake looked at it, then at him, and Ryan hated the thought of what it would mean for Jake to be giving that to Fin. “Me too, okay?”



They had a service on base in Afghanistan for Jake. The soldiers formed an honour guard to say farewell, saluting him as he was marched to the aircraft and flown home.

With their deployment ending just a week later, his troop returned in time to attend the service held at home. Ryan had carried Jake’s envelope inside the jacket of his military uniform at Jake’s funeral, but he couldn’t force himself to go to Fin.

Mike and himself, along with Kyle, Monty, Galloway, and Tex, had formed the guard of honour that carried Jake’s coffin to the chapel. His jaw clenched the entire way, fighting back tears.

They’d buried Jake with full military honours at Karrakatta cemetery. The service had included the Prime Minister, the Minister for Defence, the Defence Force Chief, the Chief of Army, and hundreds of soldiers, family, and friends. Jake had been loved, revered, and buried as an Australian hero.

Ryan had stood there, in a sea of army green, holding his breath as he watched Fin. She’d been beautiful in a simple black shift dress, her blonde hair tousled and loose as she climbed the chapel stairs. Walking slowly to the front lectern, she stood in front of a thousand people and spoke. His chest ached as her words had people laughing, tears falling, and hearts breaking. Then she finished with the lines that had made him so f*cking proud of her.



“Jake was a brother and a son, a grandson, a cousin, and now an Australian hero. I know a lot of people don’t understand war and what it means to be a soldier. Jake told me it’s not easily explained, but I know that despite him being gone, his sacrifice was made for those out there that are unable to fight for themselves, and for peace. I ask you today to spare a few minutes to feel the peace we enjoy in this place we call ‘the lucky country’ and know that it’s people like Jake, who give of themselves, that enable us to do so. I have a few small words Jake asked me to read in the event he didn’t make it home.

‘To my country, I hope I have done you proud. To my fellow soldiers, I hope I have honoured you in my actions. To my father and mother, thank you for showing me love …” Fin paused and looked up, her green eyes searching until they landed on Ryan. “To my brother Ryan, thank you for sharing your life with me, and to my sister Fin…’



She faltered at that point and fighting tears, Ryan felt his heart crack wide open. Fuck it, he’d wanted to walk up there, grab hold of her, and never let go. Instead, Mike reached her side and took the bit of paper to finish reading it for her.



‘To my sister Fin, who’s busy saving the earth one whale at time, don’t forget to smile, because when you do it’s like seeing the sun.’



Letting out a shaky breath, Ryan turned and rapped hard on the front door again. Hearing music coming from inside, he frowned. Tucking the envelope into his back pocket, he unlatched the side gate and walked down the side of the house to the backyard.

Then he saw her. She was lying on a deck chair in a loose white dress with thin straps, her silky hair trailing over her shoulder. He ran his eyes over her, and tears burned behind his sunglasses. She’d lost weight. Her hipbones were prominent and her face thinner. One bony arm hung listlessly over the side of her chair, the other held a glass of wine she swirled casually in her hand.

Ryan swept his eyes down her legs, his body still aching from wanting her. He swallowed hard and clenched his hands, realising he must have made a sound because she turned her head towards him. He honestly thought he couldn’t hurt anymore than he already did until he looked in her eyes. The green and gold depths, usually so passionate and alive, were empty, and he wasn’t sure what world she was in at that moment, but it wasn’t this one.