Fade Out (The Morganville Vampires #7)(63)

“That bar still downtown?” he asks, pulling me out of my reverie.

And like that, my mood takes a dive. It didn’t take long. The last thing I want to do is bring Jake to a bar where I’ll be forced to babysit him. If he doesn’t wind up back in jail by the end of the night.

Frustration laces my next words. “I have an exam tomorrow, Jake. So, not really in the partying mood.” I shrug a shoulder. “Your showing up is kind of short notice.”

He tosses the remote down after finding nothing interesting on the flatscreen. Turns toward me. “What? Come on. I wanted to surprise you. We haven’t hung out in forever, man.”

“And that’s my fault?” I want to take it back as soon as it leaves my mouth. Fighting with Jake, trying to make a point, is a waste of breath. That’s what I’ve always told myself. I just need to ride this out until he leaves town.

But suddenly—I no longer care how riled he gets. I’ve always backed down from him, not wanting to stir all the bad shit up. Leave it where it settled, keep it buried. I’ve never once confronted him with the truth. And I’m now wondering if that was more for him or me.

With a mock smile, he nods slowly. “I see. Yeah, it’s not your fault I did a two month stretch that”—he cocks his head—“would’ve been spent in the playoff had I not had your back. Again.” He shrugs nonchalantly, and my chest constricts. “But I don’t blame you, bro. That’s the difference between us. I never would’ve let that little cunt come between blood, but I remember how whipped you were. It’s all right.”

I’m across the room and bent over in his face, my hands gripping the arms of the chair, before he gets out the last word. My breaths leave my nose in hard bursts. “This is the only time I’m going to explain it to you,” I grit out. And the lid flies off. I don’t want one more second to pass where I enable the lies between us.

I glare down at him. “So listen, Jake. Listen close. Don’t ever bring Alyssa up again. You built that shit up in your head. Nothing went down the way you want to remember it. Nothing. All right?” I widen my eyes, mirrored fury flashing in his. “I owe you nothing.”

It’s taken me nearly four years to believe those words—I owe him nothing. And truthfully, it wasn’t until Ari that the final piece of conviction nailed into place. I’m not my brother. I didn’t hurt Alyssa; would never have wished that abuse on her no matter what she did to me. And I didn’t sick my brother on her that night.

His eyes squint as he holds my gaze. Then a faint smile touches his lips. “God, you’re still such a *. I should’ve just let those guys continue beating the shit out of you. Maybe it would’ve manned you up some. Instead,” he adds, shaking his head, “you never f*cking grew a pair. You’re still letting everyone boss you around.”

“Not everyone,” I say, backing away from him. I cross my arms over my chest, the adrenaline coursing through my system making me shake.

He laughs. “Bro! Jesus, take it down a notch. I’m just f*cking with you.” He pushes out of the chair and snatches his bag up off the floor. As he roots around in it, he brings out a bottle of liquor. Turning to me, he says, “She really was a little cunt, though. Any girl that’d post a video of you getting your shit kicked in all over the Internet deserved to get a taste of how it felt.”

And I deflate. Too many emotions are at war within me, all rioting with a vengeance to dominate. Anger over Jake’s actions. Hurt and rejection stemming from emotional wounds never quite healed. Humiliation from years of being belittled, bullied. But the one cresting right this second—fear.

Fear that if I don’t face down these demons once and for all, I could become Jake. Hating the world and blaming it and everyone in it for my weaknesses. My shortcomings.

I shake my head, releasing a stilted breath. “It wasn’t Alyssa who posted that video, Jake. It was her friends. I found that out later. And it was some dumb high school shit at that.” I walk toward my closet to change my shirt, getting ready to ditch this room and get us both out of this confining space. “And even if she had been the one to post it, she didn’t deserve to get her face smashed in. You’re sick. I don’t care how f*cked up you were that night, or your claims that you don’t remember—” I pull the shirt over my head, turn toward him “—or the fact that you believe you were defending me. You took it too far. You always do. The team…maybe the team had it coming. But Alyssa? I couldn’t even go to my own graduation. I couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing her. I couldn’t even attempt to apologize for what my crazy-ass brother did to her!”

He makes a disgusted noise. “All those bitches and f*ckers at that school…” He trails off, his face contorting in hard creases. “They’re probably all out there now, living it up off their daddy’s money. Fuck them. Do you think they ever think of us? Or you? The hell they put us through?” He shakes his head. “Maybe that one night taught them something, Ryder. They can’t just stomp on people and treat them like shit beneath their feet.”

God, he’s so delusional. I realized it before, but it’s never been so clear as right now. “I know you wanted to protect me,” I say, grabbing my jacket from my bed and catching his gaze. “For what it’s worth, as your brother, as your blood…I know that you hated seeing me suffer. For that, I’ll always love you. But for dad…” I stalk toward him and stop when I’m inches from his face; we’re now the same height. “I can’t have anything to do with you. I don’t want you coming back here.”