Fade Out (The Morganville Vampires #7)(65)

Then I leave to chase down Ari. And pray that the truth really does set you free.





25





Arian





Bile rises to the back of my throat. An ache builds in the pit of my stomach. I’m not going to make it.

I round a tree in the middle of the courtyard, my feet eating the distance to my dorm, but not quickly enough. Cramps seize my stomach with each step. I cradle one arm to my stomach as I power-walk my way through the light campus traffic.

When the harsh bite of vomit coats my mouth, I drop my pack and sprint for the corner of a building. I lose my stomach in a bush. My body trembles with each wretch, waves of chills crashing over my skin. The cold air is soothingly numbing as I quake past the dry heaves.

There wasn’t much to toss, thankfully. I had a small lunch, followed by a protein shake after my quick workout. And I was thinking of getting dinner with Ryder... That’s why I went to his dorm.

Stupid. I should’ve sent a text first.

No. What? I’m berating myself for going to my boyfriend’s room unannounced? Thoroughly disgusted, I force my back straight, look up at the darkening sky, and suck in a cleansing breath. Dizzy, I lay my forehead against the cool, rough surface of the building. Just for a second, to gain my composure.

I close my eyes.

And see Ryder’s fist connect with his brother’s face. The flash of fury that overtook his features right before. Hear that girl’s name…Alyssa. The one who Ryder obviously loved—maybe still does. The one he wishes was me.

Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven…

I look like her. He was never interested in me. Ryder’s got some sick infatuation with the girl from his past.

Six. Five. Four. Three…

Oh God, but he’s been inside me. Stared into my eyes while he made love to me—no, her eyes. I’m no one. But I already knew that, didn’t I? My sense of self—something so elusive that no amount of dieting or purging could ever fully establish—is just a trembling wisp of smoke, ready to evaporate on an unsteady breath. I thought for one moment that someone finally saw me—that Ryder completed a jagged puzzle that I’ve never been able to figure out how to put together.

Until him.

I’m no one. No one. No one.

Shit. I have to start all over. Gripping my hands in my hair, I clamp my eyes closed. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven.

“Ari!” Ryder’s voice crashes against my awareness. A tidal wave of nausea pulls me under.

Shame and humiliation have me stalking hurriedly toward my pack, away from the sound of his deep voice. I grab it, not slowing my steps, and hike it over my shoulder. I can hear his footfalls getting closer. He’s running now, and all I can think about is how I don’t want an audience.

I turn on him, stopping him just feet away from me. “Not here,” I whisper tersely.

He glances around, his chest heaving. “Where, then? I’m not letting you take another step away from me until I explain—”

“Not. Here,” I repeat.

Then his eyes are hard on mine, trapping me, and I’m lost to a feeling of hurt like I’ve never felt before. It slices fiery hot through my resistance, and I don’t fight him as he links his fingers through mine and leads me away.

It’s bad enough me knowing, I can’t stand the thought of the whole school knowing, too. All those Facebook posts and Twitter hashtags, announcing that the QB all-star is grudge f*cking a prime debutante to give the middle finger to his past. It’s not exactly how his brother worded it, but it’s, oh, so the truth. It all fits together now.

I could never figure out what Ryder saw in me. Why he worked so hard at making me his. In some strange, unsettling way, I feel vindicated. Like finally proving what I suspected all along. Only, the proof doesn’t alleviate any of the hurt; just deepens the wound.

It’s my own doing. I was all too happy to be swept away in the fantasy. I never learn. I deserve this.

As he pushes open a door to the maintenance building off the main courtyard, he keeps his hand clamped around mine. He pulls me inside, then turns and slams the door closed. He faces me, his heavy breaths marking the air between us.

I wriggle free from his iron grip, then run my palm along my jean-clad thigh. My skin prickling from his hot touch. He pushes his back up against the door, as if to block any attempt at retreat. The act is so aggressive, I recoil away from him.

“If I insist to leave at any time—”

“I’ll let you,” he says. “Just give me five minutes, Ari. Please,” he adds, wiping a hand down his face. His clear blue eyes plead with me in the small, dimly lit room. When I don’t say anything, he releases a shaky breath and nods. “You do resemble the girl I had it bad for in high school. I won’t deny it.”

His admission hits me like a punch to the stomach. I reel back, my hands searching for something solid to connect with and keep me steady. I find a lawn chair and settle down unsteadily.

“But,” he says, taking a step away from the door, “that lasted all of a day. It’s not the reason why I asked you out, and it’s not the reason I continued to pursue you despite your rejection.” His face pinches in agony. “I barely knew Alyssa. It was a pathetic crush from an even more pathetic kid who longed for acceptance. I can own that now.”

A heaviness weighs down my shoulders, and I wrap my arms around myself. “You lied to me. I knew there was more to what you told me, and I never forced the whole story, Ryder. I chose to trust you. After everything I divulged…what I told you about me…I trusted you.”