Fade Out (The Morganville Vampires #7)(66)
His face twists as if he’s pained. “I could barely own the truth myself, Ari. I’m sorry. But how in the hell could I explain that to you? What happened back then with her doesn’t have anything to do with us. She’s nothing to me.”
I lift my head. “She’s obviously not nothing. Not if she effected you so deeply.” I release a heavy breath. “She hurt you.”
He sighs and looks at the ground. “No. Not really. She lured me to a party, made me believe she wanted me to be there…with her—” his gaze finds mine “—but it was so her boyfriend and some of the team could teach me a lesson. About how broke-ass losers like me don’t get to partake in their lifestyle.” He shakes his head. “I mean, I rode the bench, but they wanted me to understand…to really get it…that I was beneath them.”
I feel my brow furrow, and he clarifies. “They got me good,” he says. “Old-fashioned swirlies and a wicked beat down that left me limping for a week. Captured it all on a phone, too. The video got thousands of likes and the bullying at school went viral…” He trails off, then, “Until Jake came down one weekend.”
He doesn’t really need to finish this story. And I wish he wouldn’t. I feel like I’m going to lose my stomach all over again. Sick with the need to purge the images from my head.
“He always defended me,” Ryder says, sinking his hands into his pockets. “All through school, *s rarely laid a finger on me until he went off to college. Then I think…I think him making it at ball set something off with those guys. They didn’t like that a poor nobody from their town was the one who made it.” He chuckles uncomfortably at this, lost in the memory. “So they took it out on me. And maybe Jake knew that. Maybe he even blamed himself for the beating I took. But the truth is, he was always just off. Violent, and had a bad substance abuse problem. I think the both went hand in hand.”
“What happened that night, Ryder?” I ask, my voice echoing off the walls, bouncing back to my ears in a hoarse whisper. “Did you think she was the one to humiliate you?”
His face crumples, his broad shoulders fall. “No. Even after everything, I didn’t blame Alyssa. It’s just the way they were, all of them. I was getting out soon, graduating and leaving for college. Jake had the pros, and that meant I could be free to be whatever I wanted.”
Then he says, “But Jake wouldn’t hear any of that. He was pissed off at a lot of things back then. I guess he still is.” He shrugs. “He talked me into going to the big blowout before graduation. Us crashing the party. He wanted to shove his success in their faces. And maybe I knew in the back of my mind he was going to get into a fight. Hell, he always did. And I maybe I wanted him to give a bit of that to those guys.” His gaze sharpens on me. “I was a coward. I never fought my own fights back then. But, Ari. You have to believe me when I say I could’ve never predicted he’d hurt her. Honestly, the look in Jake’s eyes right before… It wasn’t about me at all.”
I stand, my legs shaky. “You saw it. Everything that he did to her.” The shame that fills his face says a million things; all the guilt and fear he’s harbored since then.
“No—I didn’t lie to you about that. He took her off while I was licking my wounds.” His body quakes with a hard shiver. “Jake just lost it. It happened so fast; one second he was talking, and the in the next, she slapped me. That’s what Alyssa did to set him off. Right before, he told her something…I don’t even remember what now…something crude. And then she turned to me and gave me a good slap.”
He pushes out a heavy breath. “I did exactly what he said. I was so angry, so hurt, I had tears in my eyes. I headed right for the door and then everything after that moment was so surreal. I heard the his shouting, her screaming. Then he was too far away. With her. I tried to get to her…through the door.” He voice breaks. “Later, it was like I dreamed it. Like it was just a bad trip.”
“Ryder,” I say, taking a tentative step toward him. “You need to talk to someone about this.”
“I have. I gave the police my statement over and over—”
“No,” I cut in. “You need to talk to a professional.” I swallow past the aching lump in my throat.
The alarm on his face chills me to my bones. “You think I’m capable of what he did. That I have that in me.”
“What? No—” I shake my head. “No. I think you’ve been carrying around this baggage for too long, and the scars it’s left behind… I’m not Alyssa. No matter how much I apparently look like her, even speak like her, I can’t offer you any form of forgiveness. For you or your brother.”
“Fuck. I know. That’s not—”
“And I’m so, so sorry about your brother. He’s awful, but he’s sick, Ryder.” I shake my head, trying to clear my muddled thoughts. Too much is pounding against my brain, and I can’t grasp each individual stream. I need to leave. “But there’s nothing I can offer you in means of purging this guilt from yourself. I’m sorry for how you were treated in high school. And, God, I feel so badly about that. I can’t even imagine what it must have felt like to have your torment splashed all over the Internet. I’m sorry.”