Fade Out (The Morganville Vampires #7)(71)

My mouth opens, but I can’t force any words out. I’m ready to deny the accusation, to assuage his pain. To prove to him that I’m so desperately in love with him that I’m dying right here. That the second he walks out of my life, I’ll lose all will to exist in this painful reality.

But for one minute, I look past this moment. To the possible future. If I take that course, just what will my father do? Could he somehow hurt Ryder’s future? I’ve never known my father to be a vindictive man. A powerful one, yes—but never outright hurt anybody. But then, no one has ever threatened him the way Ryder is right now.

My marriage to Lucas is more than what’s expected of me; it’s a means to rectify my father’s standing. I can say with certainty that my father won’t allow Ryder to hinder this merger.

Everything that Ryder has worked so hard for…I won’t be the reason he may lose any of it. I’m not worth that sacrifice.

I swallow hard, look into his eyes, then, “I told you it couldn’t last.”

His eyes blaze. “Bullshit,” he hisses. “You said that you’d fight for us. And you meant it.” He steps closer and tries to take my hand, but I pull back. His face contorts with his hurt.

Straightening my back, I lift my head. “And who are you fighting for, Ryder?” I ask, hearing the tremble in my voice. “Who am I to you? I’m supposed to walk away from everyone in my life for…what? I don’t even know who you see when you look at me.”

And I hate that I mean those words. They strip me bare, revealing how wrecked I am. In love with a man who saw another woman within me. But it’s the only way. This can’t be allowed to go on one second longer. Ryder and I are at an impossible impasse. One that will tear both of us apart if we try to force our paths to merge.

Ignoring Lucas on the sideline, Ryder steps right before me and looks directly into my eyes. “I see the woman I love,” he says. And I’m through. Leveled. “I know I’ve hurt you. For my past, for who I was, for my weakness…I’m sorry. But I’ve more than suffered my penance.” He runs a hand through his hair and releases a tense breath. “I’ve earned a fighting chance. So have you, Ari. Don’t give in. Trust me enough to prove I only want you. I’ll spend the rest of my life, every single day, proving it to you.”

The tears I’ve been holding back break free. My legs go weak, unable to hold my weight. My knees buckle, and I feel the concrete dig into my knees as I’m taken down. His words slice right through my resolve, tearing at my defenses, and I can’t. I just can’t.

Lucas is by my side. “Arian, he isn’t worth all this.”

I wipe at my tears and turn away from Lucas. “Give me some time, please.” I look into his dark eyes and glimpse a shred of understanding. He nods, then looks up at Ryder.

“I won’t leave her for long,” Lucas says as he stands. Then he glances down at me once more before heading back to the party.

Ryder kneels before me, all of his massive strength pulling me toward him like he’s my own personal gravity. I just want to fall into him. Let him end this torture. It takes every bit of my strength to summon the willpower needed to pull away when he reaches for me.

“No,” I say. I suck back a sob and blink hard. Palming the ground, I push myself up and stand on shaky legs. When I’m able to look at him, and I witness the pain etched on his face, I loathe myself. From this moment on, I’ll never be able to look into a mirror without hating the girl reflected back at me with a vicious passion.

“The Alyssa thing…” I trail off, try to find my voice. “It’s just too much, Ryder.” I don’t mean a damn word. My heart is beating so frantic I swear he can hear it; hear the lie. “I think with everything stacked against us, it’s just too…complicated. It was supposed to be fun. A fling.”

His head jerks back as if he’s been slapped. Fling. Such a simple yet terrible word to appoint to what we have together. But it’s what he needs to hear. It’s the only thing that will make him walk away and leave me in my hell.

“A fling,” he spits.

I nod, and he turns his back on me before I can attempt to say more. “You’ll never be happy with him,” he says. His voice is broken. Defeated. It rips at my chest, slashes at my soul.

“I know,” I say simply.

“There will never be a day that you don’t regret what you gave up.” He turns and looks at me, honesty shining in those clear, icy-blue eyes. “And there will never be a day that I don’t think of you. That I don’t regret this second right here.”

His gaze moves over me with intense purpose, as if he’s imprinting me in his memory. Then, without another word, he walks away.

My eyes follow after him, watching him make his way through the crowd of curious stares, his indignant strides moving him farther and farther away from me. Out of my life. All the while, his words echo in my head, the truth of them aching in my heart. My chest constricted so tight I have to gasp to force air into my lungs. Remember how to breathe.

“Arian.”

Lucas’s voice fills the void surrounding me. As he nears me, he says, “We can do this another night.”

I close my eyes and feel fresh tears track my cheeks. “I’m fine,” I say, affecting false bravado. I can’t do this another night. I cannot do this all over again. The wait, the dread—the doomed countdown of the inescapable. Dragging this out any longer, clinging to a hope that doesn’t exist, will only level me further. It’s time to get it over with.