FADING (A novel)(83)

“I don’t feel like it.”

“You are. And everyone has fears in a new relationship. It doesn’t make you weak; it makes you real. I was scared when Mark and I got back together. Scared that somehow I would screw it up again. That I would fall for him and then he would realize what a dick I was and leave. Scared that his family wouldn’t like me. I was scared of a lot, but I still wanted him more than I wanted to give up.”

“But everything that Mark was telling us. The stuff about all the girls. It’s true.”

“What did he say?”

I don’t tell Jase everything, because what Ryan told me is private, and I want to keep it that way, so I say, “He said it was a rough time in his life, and he used women as a distraction. I asked him how many and he just told me it was a lot. But today when I stopped by his place, one of his friends was there, and he made a comment that’s really been bothering me.”

I pick up my plate and start moving the food aimlessly around as I continue, “So, Ryan and I were walking to his office to talk, and his friend made a remark about us having sex in there and that it wouldn’t be the first time Ryan has done that.”

“God.”

“I know. So, when we were alone, I got upset, but then I felt bad for him. You should have seen the look on his face, Jase. It was horrible. I know he felt embarrassed, so I let it go and didn’t say anything else.”

“That’s probably best. I mean, what is there really to say?”

“I know. It just makes me uncomfortable to think about that stuff happening at his place, and now I’m hanging out there.”

“That sucks, but you can’t think about all that. It’s just going to eat at you.”

I take a big bite of food, tilt my head back, and say, “I know,” so that none of it falls out of my mouth.

Laughing at me, he jokes, “Is that how they taught you to eat at the country club?”

We both laugh and enjoy our dinner, dropping all serious conversation aside.

After dinner we simply hang out like we used to, watching trash TV and relaxing. We decide to call it a night around midnight. We lie down in his bed to sleep. We have been sleeping together for the past four years. I have always found it to be comforting, not sexual at all. Being able to have that closeness with Jase has really bonded us together. I know I can totally be free and open with him, and I need that. I don’t have that with anyone else. He’s seen me at my absolute worst, and has never abandoned me.

?????

I’ve been studying and trying to get ahead in my classes this afternoon. Knowing that my audition is in a couple of weeks, I have been spending most of my free time at the studio. Kimber has been at her parents’ house all weekend, so I have the house to myself.

I’ve been working on a project for one of my classes for the past few hours when Ryan drops by. I welcome the distraction as we hang out in my room and talk. I can tell something is bothering him, and I just assume it has something to do with what Gavin said yesterday at his place.

But before I can say anything, he says, “I need to talk to you about something.”

Sitting on my bed, I cross my legs and say, “Okay,” feeling a little nervous at the seriousness in his tone.

“Look, I get your relationship with Jase, and I haven’t ever had any issues with it, but I don’t like that you guys still sleep together.”

“But, it’s not like that.”

“I know, but I still don’t like it.”

“But . . .”

He turns to face me, placing his hands on my knees, and says, “I know it isn’t like that with you two. I get it. But I don’t like the thought of you in bed with another man holding you. I want to be that guy. I want you to want me to be that guy, not Jase.”

When I hear the crack in his voice, I know that this is really affecting him. Returning the honesty, I tell him, “I want you to be that guy, but I don’t know how. Jase is so unthreatening to me because he’s just my friend.”

“Why do you think I’m threatening?”

My hands begin to fidget when I tell him, “Because you could easily walk away from me.” I have to look away from him because the honesty I just put out there is too much for me.

He scoots right up next to me and says, “You think it would be easy for me to walk away? It wouldn’t be easy, babe. And I doubt there is anything you could say or do that would make me want to walk away. It kills me that you’re so scared of me.”

When I look up at him, I confess, “You’re the only person I’ve ever felt this way about, and I don’t want to lose you.”

He shifts on his knees and leans into me until I am lying on my back. He’s supporting himself above me on his one elbow and wraps his other hand around my head, pulling me in for a slow kiss. I hold his face in my hands as his lips dance across mine. When he pulls back, he takes his time staring at me, and I get lost in his clear-blue eyes for a moment before he says, “You’re not gonna lose me, babe. I love you too much to let you go.”

The pounding of my heart is all I can hear as I try to digest his words, and I know that I love him too. I just can’t bare myself that much to him, so I clench my need to say it back to him. The love I feel for him overtakes me, and I start to blink out the tears that fill my eyes. When I nod my head, he leans down and melds his mouth to mine, gliding his tongue across mine. I pull him down on me as I grab his hair with my other hand. I need to be close to him, to somehow show him that I do love him, even though I can’t say the words yet.