FADING (A novel)(87)

Hesitantly, “Do you love me?”

“I’ve only ever loved you.”

He rolls on top of me, staring down into my eyes. I pull him down, and I kiss him with an intensity I haven’t felt before. Crushing his lips with mine, tasting each other, and feeling each other, I grab his hair, keeping him close to me. He trails his hand down the center of my sternum, between my breasts, over my stomach, and when he reaches the hem of my shirt, I feel the heat of his hand as he slides it up, making my body shudder beneath his. When he cups me in his hand and squeezes, my body bows up to him, and he lets out a deep moan.

“God, I want you,” he whispers.

Sitting back on his heels, he pulls me up to him. He reaches down and slowly begins lifting up my top. Raising my arms up, he peels the cloth off of me and tosses it on the floor. He takes his hands and slides them down my sides. “Babe . . .”

He lays me back down and grazes his lips down my neck and over the thin lace of my bra. I hold tightly onto the sides of his head when he covers my nipple with his mouth and drags his tongue across the fabric. I begin to feel the anxiety build inside my stomach. I can’t do this.

When he hooks his fingers under the waistband of my shorts, I clench my eyes tightly shut, panic coursing through me. I choke back a silent sob, and when I open my eyes to stop him, I see a pained look on his face. He’s sitting back and slowly brushing his thumb over my tattoo, staring at it intently. His touch is jittery on my skin, and when his eyes shift to mine, I can’t take the panic that is still coursing through my body.

I quickly shift up to my knees and throw my arms around his neck, just needing to feel safe in his hold. It takes him a while, but he eventually wraps his arms slowly, almost hesitantly, around me. I grip him tightly, trying hard to not freak out in front of him, and I notice his body trembling under my arms. I don’t say anything because I am still so consumed with anxiety and wondering if he can tell how scared I just got when he touched me like he did.

Silently freaking out, neither one of us moves. We cling to each other and let time pass.

Eventually, I feel my heart slow, and I begin to soften in his arms.

“Candace.”

“Please, don’t say anything.”

And he doesn’t as he lies us down and pulls the covers over us.

?????

When we wake up the next morning, Ryan is really quiet and seems tense. I notice his eyes are a bit bloodshot, and I ask him, “Did you not sleep last night?”

“Not too much,” he says while pouring me a cup of coffee to take with me before he drives me home.

We’ve barely spoken this morning, and he hasn’t been his usual affectionate self with me. In fact, I feel like he’s avoiding me. I’m feeling extremely self-conscious; not only because of what happened last night, but also the way he is acting today. I’m sure he’s getting tired of me always pushing him away. From my run in with Gina last night, I can tell he’s used to getting what he wants without having to wait.

“You ready?” he asks.

“Yeah.” I’m surprised when he takes my hand as he walks me to his jeep.

When he pulls up into my driveway and parks, I turn to him and say, “I’m sorry about last night, and I get that you’re mad, but—”

“What?” he interrupts. “Why would I be mad?”

Suddenly feeling very unsure of the situation, I say, “Because I keep pushing you away. You’ve hardly said two words to me this morning. So, I just figured . . .”

He turns away from me and gets out of the car. I watch him, confused, as he walks around to my side and opens the door. He reaches over me and unclicks my seatbelt, turning me toward him.

“Everything you give me is perfect. You have to stop feeling like this. I’m here with you, and I’m not going anywhere.” He leans in to kiss me, and his words bring me relief. “I’m sorry if I’ve been a dick, I just didn’t get much sleep.”

“It’s okay. I overreacted.”

Helping me out of the car, he kisses me again before leaving.

When I walk inside, Kimber is studying on the couch, and I’ve never felt more awkward around her since she asked me to move out.

“Who was that?” she asks as I walk across the room.

Turning to her, I ask, “Who?”

“That guy you just kissed in the driveway. I wasn’t spying or anything, but you’re right outside the window.”

I look out the large bay window then back at her. She looks sad when I say, “Oh, um, his name’s Ryan.”

“You dating?”

“Yeah,” I say, and I can tell that she is upset. I’m guessing it’s the same sadness I felt when I found out about her and Seth. I want to talk to her, to tell her all about him and how great he is, but I can’t. We aren’t like that anymore, and I know she’s hurting more than me as each day we grow more distant.

“Well, I have to go get ready for school,” I softly say and then walk out of the room.

Seeing her now, after yesterday, is awful. I hate knowing that I’ve hurt her this much. I feel like I’ve lost her, and it’s hard to be in the same house as her when we both feel the way that we do.

When I pick up my phone, with apprehension, I type out my text.

Can I stay with you?

I hold my phone with nervous hands and wait for the reply.