FADING (A novel)(82)

Tears begin to flood my eyes, and I look at him when I ask, “Is that what you want?”

He gently takes my face in his hands, and when I blink, I can feel the heat of my tears rolling down my cheeks.

“No. I was miserable then. None of them ever gave me what you give me.”

“That’s the problem, though. I can’t give you what they could.”

“You give me everything.” Taking his thumbs, he wipes the tears from under my eyes. “You have more of me than any of them ever had. And when you’re ready to move forward, I can promise you that it won’t be like what I had with them. It was just empty with them.”

He leans his forehead against mine and even though I feel upset about the way Ryan was before he met me, I’m also upset for me, that I can’t give him what I want to. I can see the pain and regret in his face.

“I shouldn’t be upset. I didn’t know you then.”

“You have every right to be upset.”

Not wanting to drag this out, I wrap my hand behind his neck, draw his head to mine, and kiss him. I don’t want to think about it anymore; I just want to have peace with Ryan.

“I’ve missed you,” he mumbles over my lips, and when he does, I pull him closer to me and cover his mouth with mine. “Stay with me tonight?”

Parting our lips from each other, I whisper, “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I promised Jase I’d stay with him.”

Ryan lets out a deep sigh, hanging his head down, and I know he’s frustrated, but I don’t ask. I haven’t spent the night with him since last Sunday, and I’m sure it’s bothering him.

“You have to work anyway,” I say.

“I want you in my bed when I get home.”

I release my hands from his neck and look down, feeling guilty, that I’m not giving him the closeness that he wants. I know he’d prefer moving this a lot faster than we are, but I feel like I’m pushing myself as it is.

“Ryan . . .” I whisper.

“I know,” he says as he leans his forehead against mine.

I know he doesn’t really understand my feelings of apprehension, and it hurts me that he’s feeling this way because of me.

I cup his cheeks and pull up on my toes, pressing my lips into his, and when I do, he holds my head in his hands as well. We hold the kiss for a few seconds before pulling away.

“I should go.”

“I’ll walk you out.”

We walk through the house and Gavin looks up and asks, “You heading out already?”

“Yeah, I gotta go.”

“Good seeing you again.”

I smile and turn toward the door with Ryan and say goodbye.

?????

“Ryan’s frustrated with me.”

“What makes you say that?” Jase asks while chopping up the peppers for the stir-fry he’s making.

“I just get the feeling that he is. I mean, we’ve been together for a few months and haven’t done anything more than kiss. He has to be getting annoyed with me.”

“But he hasn’t said anything?”

“No, I don’t think he would though.”

“Do you trust him?”

Taking a sip of my wine and setting down the glass, I say, “Yeah, but I’m scared he’s going to compare me. I mean, how could he not? It’s only natural, right?”

“No, it’s not. It’s not like that. You’re someone new to him, and he clearly loves you. He would be a total ass to compare you.”

I widen my eyes when he says that Ryan loves me, and he catches the look on my face when he sets down the knife and questions me, “What?”

“God, Jase, you think he loves me?”

“Candace, have you seen the way he looks at you? Yes, the guy loves you.” He scoops up the peppers and onions and dumps them into the hot skillet, shaking it around and flipping the vegetables. When he turns back around, he laughs. “Why do you look so surprised?”

“Because, I just . . . I mean . . .”

“Do you love him?”

“Jase!”

“Seriously. Do you?”

“At times when we are together I feel like I do. I mean . . . I think I do. Honestly, I am overwhelmed most of the time. But I’m scared. All I know is that I have never felt this way about anyone else.”

“What are you so scared of?”

“Everything.”

He turns around, picks up the skillet, and pours the stir-fry onto our plates. We walk into the living room and set them down on the coffee table to cool when he continues, “Explain to me what everything is.”

I empty out my thoughts with Jase because I know I can tell him anything and he will never judge me. “I’m scared I might freak out on him, and he’ll think I’m weird and won’t want to waste his time with me. I’m scared I’m not enough for him. I’m worried he will somehow know what happened to me, and he’ll be disgusted by me. And I’m scared of losing him, for whatever reason. What if this thing ends up badly and I’m left hurt?”

“If that does happen, you’ll be okay. You’re strong. I know you don’t see it, but I do. You’re the strongest person I know.”