FADING (A novel)(81)

“Okay, Candace. Are you ready?” she asks as she grabs the remote to the stereo and takes her place at the front of the room.

“Yes.” I walk to the center and place my feet in fifth position, waiting for the music to begin. When the strings begin to echo through the speakers, I slowly relevè on my pointes and begin my series of chainès across the floor. The low hum of the cello vibrates within my chest as I work through the movements. My heart thumps harder with the staccato brushes of the violins, and I’m spot on when I turn into my fouettè sequence. I flow through the progressions and the twinge in my stomach courses through my body as the music slowly fades into nothingness.

The room is quiet except for the breaths flowing in and out of my lungs. When I look over at Ms. Emerson, she’s walking toward me. Standing in front of me, she says without any inflection in her voice, “That’s better.”

She says nothing else, and turns to walk out of the room. When the door closes behind her, I let out a puff of breath and allow myself the relief of a huge smile. Replaying her words, those two simple words, in my head, I spend the next hour dancing and feeling. Even though I am feeling someone else’s pain, I’m still feeling.

When I leave the studio and get into my car, I decide to stop by the loft and surprise Ryan before he has to go into work for the night.

“Hey, babe!” Ryan says when he opens the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you before you left for work.”

Picking me up in his arms, I laugh before he kisses me.

“I’ve missed you this week,” he says as he sets me back down.

“Sorry. Auditions are in a few weeks, and then I won’t be living in the studio.”

“Candace!”

Leaning over to look around Ryan, I see Gavin walking over.

“Hey, Gavin. What are you doing here?”

“Just stopped by to bullshit with Ryan.”

I look back at Ryan and say, “I’m sorry, I should have called before stopping by.”

Gavin grabs my hand and pulls me inside. “Wanna beer?”

“Um, no.”

Walking past me, Ryan says, “I’ll get you a water.”

“Thanks.” I love that he knows exactly what I need without having to ask.

Gavin and I sit down in front of the TV where they have been watching SportsCenter.

Pointing the neck of his beer bottle to my head, he jokes, “What’s with the hair, grandma?”

“Don’t be a dick,” Ryan says as he hands me a bottle of water and sits down next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

I shake my head at their banter and unscrew the lid to my water. “I was in the dance studio all day,” I say and then take a long drink of water.

“How’d that go?” Ryan asks. He knows I’ve been having a lot of bad studios and rehearsals lately.

“It actually went pretty well. My instructor complimented me on my solo.”

“Really? That’s great, babe.”

“Well, actually all she said was ‘that’s better’ but coming from her, that’s huge.”

“You coming out with us tonight?” Gavin asks me.

“Umm,” I say, turning my attention to Ryan, wondering what Gavin’s talking about.

“Gavin’s just coming by the bar tonight with some friends, that’s all.”

“Oh,” I say and turn my attention back to Gavin. “No, I’ve got plans.”

I feel left out of Ryan’s life with his friends. I know it’s my own doing, so I try to not let it affect me. I know it’s just me being over-sensitive, but I can’t help the feeling of being left out.

“What are you doing?” Ryan asks.

“I’m going to Jase’s to hang out. We haven’t had a lot of time to see each other lately.”

“Come with me to my office before you go,” he says as he stands up and takes my hand.

“If you guys are gonna f*ck, I’m out,” Gavin says.

“Dude!” Ryan snaps at him.

Shrugging his shoulders, he says, “What? It wouldn’t be the first time.”

I look at him in disbelief when he says, “Just sayin’,” as he leans back on the couch and turns up the TV.

Ryan starts leading me to his office, and when he closes the door, he turns around, placing his hands on the door, caging me in.

“Sorry about that. The guy has no filter.”

The fact that he isn’t denying what Gavin said is making my stomach turn. I want to run out of here, get some space, but I know he won’t let me do that. I can’t even look at him right now, so I keep my eyes focused on a stack of papers lying on his desk.

“Candace,” he says quietly, and I turn my head and look to the floor.

He drops his head and sighs, “I’m sorry.”

“Did you really do that?”

Our eyes meet when he looks up and by the look written all over his face and his creased forehead, I can tell he’s ashamed to answer me.

He nods his head and says, “Yes.”

I feel sick, and I look back down, not knowing what to say. Even though he didn’t know me back then, it still hurts. It hurts to know that he has shared something so intimate with those girls. An intimacy that we don’t share.