FADING (A novel)(100)

“I wasn’t, but one of our distributors stopped by today and notified me that we are now a COD contract. When I went back, I saw that Michael hadn’t been paying the f*cking invoices. So, I’ve been going through the back logs making sure there aren’t any outstanding.”

“Have you found any?”

“No, but this shit pisses me off. I need a manager who is more organized. This shit’s a mess in his office.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Just been a long day. I’m about to pack up and leave.”

“Have you eaten anything yet?”

“Yeah, I had one of the bar girls run out and pick up some food.”

“Okay, well, I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

When Ryan gets home about a half hour later, we decide to camp out downstairs and watch a movie. We change into our pajamas and Ryan pours me a glass of wine then gets himself a beer. Moving the coffee table out of the way, Ryan lights the fireplace while I throw a pile of blankets and pillows on the floor.

Wrapping up in the blankets together, Ryan puts on one of his old black and white movies, and I can’t help but smile in amusement when he does.

“What? You wanna watch something else?”

“No,” I say and I settle my head on his chest, getting comfortable. “I love watching these with you.”

“I thought you hated them. You’re always making fun of me.”

“I know, but secretly, I’ve always loved it.”

Kissing the top of my head, he wraps his arms around me as we watch ‘Out of the Past.’

About halfway through the movie, I remember that I need to run upstairs and take my sleeping pill. When I return to Ryan, I curl in beside him and he rolls over to face me.

“I need to run into work tomorrow and sign off on a few things Michael is redoing tonight.”

“Okay.”

“I was thinking you could come with me.”

“Ryan . . .” The last time I went there I totally panicked. The last thing I want to do is go back just to be reminded of what happened.

“I know, but I hate that you can’t come up there to see me. I mean . . . it’s where I work, babe.”

“I understand what you’re trying to say, but I just . . . I can’t.”

“I know, I just think if you tried . . . we can go in the morning, before we open. You and me. We’ll park in the front.”

Letting out a deep breath, I close my eyes. I want to be able to go up there and see Ryan. I’d love to hang out with him and his friends and see where he works. And it bothers me that I’ve never seen Mark’s band play. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to push myself that far yet. I know I can’t avoid that place forever since Ryan owns that bar.

He cups my cheeks with his hands and whispers, “If you’re not ready, I get it. It was just a thought.”

I open my eyes and look up at him. “Ryan, it just takes me back farther than I want to go. There have been times I’ve wished that I would’ve just died that night.”

He releases a hard breath and tucks my head under his chin as he holds me.

I know what he’s trying to do, and a part of me loves that he pushes me and doesn’t baby me. The fact that he thinks I’m strong enough to go there shows me that he views me in a way I want to truly be—strong. But another part of me is terrified to stir up those memories again. I love Ryan, and I know that he cares for me. I want to show him that I can push myself.

“Okay,” I whisper softly.

“What, babe?”

Pulling my head up, I say, “Okay, I’ll try,” when he looks at me.

“Are you sure?”

“No, but I’ll try.”

Cradling my face in his hands, he says, “Do you have any idea how amazing you are?”

“Ryan, I’m not saying I will. I’m only saying I’ll try.”

“And that’s all you need to do. The fact that you’re even willing to is one of the reasons I love you so much. You’re so unbelievably strong.”

Before I can deny his words, he captures my mouth with his.

?????

I’m a bundle of nerves as I drink my coffee and wait for Ryan to finish getting ready. I had agreed to make an effort to go with him to the bar this morning. The place doesn’t open for a few hours, and he wants us to go when no one else is there.

When he comes downstairs, he takes my hand and reassures me that all I have to do is say the word and we’ll come back home. But I don’t want to be that person. Ryan sees me in such a strong way. I wear his necklace that he gave me that is engraved with the word ‘fierce.’ He chose that Shakespearean quote for a reason. If he believes that about me, then maybe I should try to believe that about myself as well.

My stomach is in knots as he drives, and I don’t say a word. His hand is laced tightly with mine, and I turn cold when I see us approaching the building. He does as he promises and parks along the curb in front of the bar. I know there is no way I could handle being in the back lot with that dumpster.

I’m lost in my thoughts and don’t even notice that he’s gotten out of the car until I turn to see that my door is open and Ryan is standing there with his hand on my knee.